As I walk through the days planned in my journey, I find encounters that really leave  lasting ripples deep in my soul.  The Healing Prayer classes God led me to begin taking, the Bible studies I’ve recently walked through and pictures or videos that get placed in my midst to view have all brought me to this moment in time.

Though they seem to come from many areas, God Masterfully weaves them all together to make a huge impact. Speaking truth deep within my yearning and hungry heart for more of Him.  I can see how each was meant especially for me…but not intended to stop there. What was planted firmly in my heart is to branch out freely speaking life and hope again and again to my children and husband  reminding them Who our Daddy is. My mind becomes flooded with faces of close friends and family who need to imprint these truths upon their hearts so as to NEVER forget, or quite possibly to understand for the first time.

His ways of surrounding me with what I need to hear at this exact moment is astounding.  Whether it is for healing within myself, or to help others find relief, peace and comfort in times that seem insurmountable, or to pass on as finely etched treasures for others to unwrap so they can REMEMBER who created them and is their Stronghold and Fortress for all times…no matter the reason, I’m left in awe, worshipping a Mighty God Who is for us!

I just saw a video of Priscilla Shirer speaking truth about our Mighty God! There is power in these truths.  Being a visual processor, I wrote it out to etch each truth onto my heart once again with each pen stroke.  My prayer is that as you read each truth, your heart will grab hold and embrace them as yours forever!

Who’s Your Daddy?

When you feel like you can’t handle the task at hand ask yourself . . . “Who’s your Daddy?”

You will feel SECURE, TAKEN CARE OF . . . not because of you, but because of Who you belong to!

TELL YOURSELF —
He is the 1st & the Last, the Beginning & the End.
He is the Keeper of creation & Creator of all.He’s the Architect of the Universe & the Manager of all time.

He always was, always is, always will be Unmoved, Unchanged, Undefeated and Never Undone!

He was bruised BUT brought healing!
He was pierced, BUT eased pain!
He was persecuted, BUT brought freedom!He was dead and brings life!
He is Risen to bring Power!
And, He Reigns to bring Peace!

The world can’t understand Him.
Armies can’t defeat Him.
Schools can’t explain Him.
And leaders they can’t ignore Him.

Herod couldn’t kill Him.
Nero couldn’t crush Him.
The New Age can not replace Him.
And, Oprah can not explain Him away!

REMIND YOURSELF . . .
He is Life.
He is Love.
He is Longevity.
And, He is the Lord!

He is Goodness, Kindness, faithfulness.
And, He is God!

He is Holy and Righteous and Powerful and Pure.

His ways are right.
His word eternal.
His will unchanging.
And, His mind is on us!

He is our Savior, our Guide, our Peace, our Joy, our Comfort, our Lord!
And, He Rules our lives!

I SERVE HIM BECAUSE  . . .
His bond is low.
His yoke is easy.
His burden is light.

His goal for us is abundant life!

I FOLLOW HIM BECAUSE . . .
He is Wisdom of the wise.
He is the Power of the powerful.
He is the Ancient of days.
He is the Ruler of rulers.
He is the Leader of all leaders!

His goal is a relationship with me!

He will NEVER leave you!
NEVER forsake you!
NEVER mislead you!
NEVER forget you!
NEVER overlook you!
And . . .NEVER cancels your appointment in His appointment book!

When you fall, He will Lift you up.
When you fail, He will forgive you.
When you are weak, He is strong.
When you are lost, He is your way.
When you are afraid, He is your courage.
When you stumble, He will steady you.
When you are hurt, He’s going to heal you.
When you are broken, He will mend you.
When you are blind, He will lead you.
When you are hungry, He will feed you.
When you face trials, He’s with you.
When I face persecution, He shields me.
When I face problems, He will comfort me.
When I face loss, He will provide for me.
When we face death, He will carry us all home to meet Him

He is everything . . . for everybody . . . everywhere . . . every time, and in every way!

He is your GOD!!!

And this is Who you belong to!!!

I pray that these truths will grip you like never before and give you peace and comfort that surpasses all human understanding. Be strong and courageous because you KNOW Who you belong to.

I’m including the link to her youtube video because her delivery is beautiful! Close your eyes and listen. Let it permeate every fiber of your being. Enjoy!

 

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. …

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? …

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. …

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. But you, O God, will cast them down into the pit of destruction; men of blood and treachery shall not live out half their days. But I will trust in you.

And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you.

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, …

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.”

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

You came near when I called on you; you said, ‘Do not fear!’

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!

Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Pray without ceasing,

The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death.

If iniquity is in your hand, put it far away, and let not injustice dwell in your tents. Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish; you will be secure and will not fear.

And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.

“So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.

A Song of Ascents. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

Of David. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. …

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. …

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.

He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you.

But whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster.”

Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Fear not, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel! I am the one who helps you, declares the Lord; your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. …

“Yet you would not go up, but rebelled against the command of the Lord your God. And you murmured in your tents and said, ‘Because the Lord hated us he has brought us out of the land of Egypt, to give us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us. Where are we going up? Our brothers have made our hearts melt, saying, “The people are greater and taller than we. The cities are great and fortified up to heaven. And besides, we have seen the sons of the Anakim there.”’ Then I said to you, ‘Do not be in dread or afraid of them. The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, …

Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world. He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, having become as much superior to angels as the name he has inherited is more excellent than theirs. For to which of the angels did God ever say, “You are my Son, today I have begotten you”? Or again, “I will be to him a father, and he shall be to me a son”? …

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

In that day this song will be sung in the land of Judah: “We have a strong city; he sets up salvation as walls and bulwarks. Open the gates, that the righteous nation that keeps faith may enter in. You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. For he has humbled the inhabitants of the height, the lofty city. He lays it low, lays it low to the ground, casts it to the dust. …

And the Lord said to Paul one night in a vision, “Do not be afraid, but go on speaking and do not be silent, for I am with you, and no one will attack you to harm you, for I have many in this city who are my people.”

Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. “And I tell you, everyone who acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man also will acknowledge before the angels of God, but the one who denies me before men will be denied before the angels of God.

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

For the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me.

Mightier than the thunders of many waters, mightier than the waves of the sea, the Lord on high is mighty!

From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I,

Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. …

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.

He said, “Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.” So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

“Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice, for the Lord has done great things!

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

I came from the Father and have come into the world, and now I am leaving the world and going to the Father.”

But when Christ appeared as a high priest of the good things that have come, then through the greater and more perfect tent (not made with hands, that is, not of this creation)

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord‘s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

Let the evildoer still do evil, and the filthy still be filthy, and the righteous still do right, and the holy still be holy.” “Behold, I am coming soon, bringing my recompense with me, to repay everyone for what he has done.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”

“But watch yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap.

At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison—

So I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’

That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” Nicodemus said to him, “How can these things be?” Jesus answered him, “Are you the teacher of Israel and yet you do not understand these things? …

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed,

The vision of Isaiah the son of Amoz, which he saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem in the days of Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah, kings of Judah. Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth; for the Lord has spoken: “Children have I reared and brought up, but they have rebelled against me. The ox knows its owner, and the donkey its master’s crib, but Israel does not know, my people do not understand.” Ah, sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, offspring of evildoers, children who deal corruptly! They have forsaken the Lord, they have despised the Holy One of Israel, they are utterly estranged. Why will you still be struck down? Why will you continue to rebel? The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint. …

Now the young man Samuel was ministering to the Lord under Eli. And the word of the Lord was rare in those days; there was no frequent vision. At that time Eli, whose eyesight had begun to grow dim so that he could not see, was lying down in his own place. The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the Lord, where the ark of God was. Then the Lord called Samuel, and he said, “Here I am!” and ran to Eli and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” But he said, “I did not call; lie down again.” So he went and lay down. …

Masters, treat your slaves justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven. Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison— that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak. Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. …

And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, “Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before me.” But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went on board, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the Lord. But the Lord hurled a great wind upon the sea, and there was a mighty tempest on the sea, so that the ship threatened to break up. Then the mariners were afraid, and each cried out to his god. And they hurled the cargo that was in the ship into the sea to lighten it for them. But Jonah had gone down into the inner part of the ship and had lain down and was fast asleep. …

Yesterday I was being nudged to share a part of my life, penning heartfelt words on a subject I wish I didn’t have knowledge on. I wasn’t really interested in opening up and giving the world access. Not even my closest friends have been allowed entrance…my husband is the only one that has seen me at my weakest. Those times when I feel like jumping out of my skin, running to the ends of the earth, disappearing lifeless into the paint on the walls or melting motionless into the hardwood of our floors. And even in these moments, only my God knows the most secretive details of my body, mind and soul. He gets me. My Jehovah-rophe, the God who heals, understands my perplexities, my innermost being, way better than even I do. I didn’t want to reveal this broken area.

So…I said “No.”

This morning at 5 am I woke to kiss my hubby good-bye. But before shutting my eyes for more pleasant sleep, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through Facebook to see what my little world was up to.

Bad…bad idea! Especially after you’ve just said “No” to a divine request. Clearly my wrestling match was not over, yet.

My passion in this area runs hot! So I want to apologize if in my written expression I cause pain or come across as judgmental. Pain and judgment are not my intent. Presenting an observation from a different perspective…providing a set of unfamiliar shoes to walk in for just a brief moment in order to glimpse the battle faced on the front line …that’s my sole intent.

From the time I was a young girl I had moments I thought I was going crazy. I thought I’d stop breathing or my heart might jump out of my chest. I would run into the family room late at night telling my mom I wanted to sit with her, have her scratch my back or claim I just couldn’t sleep, I needed to lay my head on her lap…but, at that moment, I was sure I was going to die! I just needed to be with someone in case that happened…I just really needed to have a safe, secure touch that conveyed reassurance I’d be okay. I don’t know why I never told her what was going on…other than, darkness likes to stay hidden from light or being different is scary. Or…sharing your weakness SUCKS!

The earliest I remember is around 9 years old. I didn’t understand these episodes until I experienced my first depression in my early twenties. Doctors began to explain to me that I was having anxiety and panic attacks. They gave me medicine to “calm” me down. However, all that did was make things worse! The anxiety meds made my anxiety skyrocket…Ugh! I only would occasionally experience sudden tsunami waves where devastating emotional debris was left behind. Because I wasn’t living continuously in this danger zone, taking medicine on a regular basis just seemed really absurd.

I’ve wrestled with anxiety throughout my life for the last 40 years. Because of this personal painful journey, my heart breaks when I hear people say certain things. First, I feel judged and torn down and then I feel a deep compassion and mercy for those who are in the same boat as me. How must they feel when they hear careless words thrown around.

This morning I was confronted by a quote by George Mueller that was beautifully painted by a woman artist. “The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.”  I’ve had friends that have said “fear is the absence of faith.”  I take offense to these little expressions.  I believe these to be lies…lies from the enemy meant to cause even more pain than already exists in a broken body.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m missing the mark and off base with God…but this is so contrary to everything that I’ve experienced.  Maybe because my pain is so personal I misinterpret what they’re trying to say.  None the less when I hear these flippant sayings I receive yet another injury.

Now do I think this was written with malicious intent or painted to stir up pain and cause wounds…uhm…NO.  Absolutely not!  I believe the intention was to motivate people to trust in God with everything.  My questions are “Did either of these individuals ever experience anxiety and panic attacks for themselves?  Are they referring to the type of anxiety I encounter?  Is the context of this more like a normal ‘worry’ over getting a good grade in class, finding a close parking spot so you won’t be late or will I be able to provide food for my children tonight?”

Yes, they are entitled to their opinion, but I wanted to share how my opinion is so differing to theirs.  To the majority this might just be another rant, but maybe, just maybe, there’s another soul who would benefit from hearing that someone else understands.  To that one starfish stranded on the beach in the midst of 1000’s of others, hearing words of encouragement that gently toss them back into the environment they need to breath might mean everything to that starfish’s existence.  If that were to happen, then my baring of my soul has been worth it.

In these confrontations, when my stomach feels punched, my heart feels shredded and my brokenness seems attacked and judged…I work hard to do like Jesus did when persecuted — “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”

You see, I don’t have “control” over when my anxiety will raise it’s head, searching to devour me.

A smell, a sound, a crowded room, a loud commotion, an exhausted body, a weird turn of my head, a car drive to familiar places are all things that can lead to my unannounced friend showing up. We are no longer acquaintances because we know each other too well.  We’ve spent far too much time together.

This thing I used to view as an enemy…a terrorizer of my soul doesn’t listen when I scream “STOP!”  My heart beats like it will burst from my chest.  Every fiber in my being wants to run fast and hard to as far as the East is from the West.  Sounds in the room seem to intensify and speed up like when fast forwarding a cassette tape.  Every opening in my body wants to expel and to purge all substances from within me.  There is no earthly place to run or hide, no place to flee where I can find relief.  I have to let anxiety and panic run it’s course.  I have to wait until the adrenaline has depleted and my mind stops circling the habitual path of terror.

I KNOW it’s irrational. I KNOW what it is. Yet, none of that matters.  There’s no controlling this bullying, taunting, tyrant beast.

But even in the midst of these attacks…I have FAITH!  I run to God.  I seek His refuge.  I seek His peace.  I seek His comfort.  I submit to Him saying if I die in this moment of attack, I will be in the presence of You, my Lord.  Even in death I will have gained.  And, in the middle of my wide-eyed terror, as sweat engulfs my body, I can rustle up a smile.  Even if it is the tiniest curl of the corners of my mouth that no one else can witness…I can feel my facial muscles fighting to succeed.

I’ve chosen to change my perspective and focus on the positive that comes from my private encounters with uncontrollable fear. This brokenness within me might have been intended to destroy, kill, disappoint, and discourage me, but instead I’ve been driven into the arms of my Savior.  That’s true faith!  My terror delivers me to my God.  With each battle my trust in Him is strengthened. In my weakness, God is my strength!

I’ve found there is true faith existing alongside anxiety.  My God tells me “I am the Lord your God, I will take hold of your right hand. Do not fear! I will help you!” In the depths of my suffering He sits by me, walks with me, holds me until the overwhelming dread passes.  If my enemy (or, so called friend) did not exist, I quite possibly wouldn’t know my Lord my God intimately like this.  I can therefore rejoice in these temporary moments where I’m held in a dark prison cell because I know I’m not alone, my God is with me.  This true faith is what will empower me to travel alone, leaving the security of my faithful husband who is always there to reassure me the moment will pass (yes, for an entire month to visit my grand babies), always providing the reassuring touch that I will not die.  I will be dependent completely and solely on remembering God is with me during these trials…He is the One who truly helps me. He is always with me.  True faith!

Faith is not the absence of fear, but rather the ability to have courage to face your fears and be an overcomer!  I am an overcomer.

There is a part of me that wishes this wasn’t my thorn.  Yet, I’m grateful for all that it has driven me towards. Grateful for the opportunities I’m given to strengthen my faith, practice courage and face my fear.  They are faith workouts.

I’ve heard them all… “if you had more faith, this wouldn’t happen”… “You need to know whose you are because perfect love casts out fear”… “If you really knew God completely, you’d have no fear.”  ARGH!  Jesus gives me pictures in my mind of turning the other cheek when someone comes to slap me.  He gives me pictures of giving them my cloak too when they try to come and steal my joy of knowing Him in the midst of suffering through anxiety.

Look at it as if I had diabetes.  If I knew God the best I could ever know Him, would my diabetes disappear?  That’s an ailment, a broken area that for whatever reason a body has quite possibly chosen to exhibit even if I don’t over indulge in sugar, even if I regulate my food intake…it just is broken…it produces insulin at a different rate then God designed our bodies to function at.  But through medicine and through God’s help I can manage my life, I can find peace in the midst of my struggle. It doesn’t go away…it’s still there.

At first I’m really angry, and then, God gets me to the point of forgiveness… “Father forgive them for they do not walk in the shoes you’ve given me. They do not know what they do to my heart.”

This peculiar juxtaposition of  trust and fear spurred me to know my Identity in Christ.  Getting a deep strong grasp on who I am through Jesus empowered me to cling to these truths in the pits of darkness.  I was determined to scour the Bible and learn all I could about fear and anxiety, and what God says about them.

Today, this is my experience. Only God knows what tomorrow will bring or if His plan includes releasing me from these moments of captivity.  In the meantime, I will fight for and love on the ones trapped in similar journeys for even in these scary spots, we can experience freedom that nothing or no one can take.

I’ve found that many times I find relief in singing praise music.  My afflictions become eclipsed by His glory.  Even in the midst of my troubles my desire is to praise and worship God.  Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice…for loving me in all my brokenness…for healing my wounds…for providing a way of escape.

 

 

December 22, 2011

Some of the hardest areas for me to handle are dealing with people. I watch my husband who has the gift of “GAB”… the gift of “Gabbing About Baloney” it’s like he never meets a stranger. I don’t understand this ability at all for it seems soooo foreign to me.  Ask me to do Algebra, Calculus, Differential Equations, Physics, Chemistry or anything logical with a process to follow and I GET that! But socializing, where it’s not necessarily planned, doesn’t follow a pattern and it’s essential to be free flowing and fluid….uhmmmm not. For the most part, I struggle at making small talk without it instantly becoming uncomfortable…when there are moments of dead silence frantically searching for what should I say now. I don’t know about you, but I go through life trying to make sense out of who I am, why I am, what I am, how I look to others, and where I go now that I know. Many a times, I don’t understand myself that well. This time being one and then, in walks God to faithfully provided a canvas to draw me a picture explaining it detail by detail. He Rocks! Most of the times it hurts, but He’s always there to craddle me in the aftermath. Reassuring me that He knew this about me even before He created me.

The painting consists of the Silvan household where we have been blessed to raise many animals. Over our 24 years together, we’ve owned a horse, Terrier mix, Cocker Spaniel, 2 Labradors, 2 Jack Russells, Chihuahua, Havanese, 5 cats, 4 birds, 3 Guinea Pigs and a tank full of fish…not all at once of course. Currently we have a Jack Russel (Skip), a Chihuahua (Romeo), a Havanese (Bella), 2 cats (Chloe and Tinkerbell) and a Guinea Pig (Lilly). For the most part the painting is normal, but these animals have their own quirks just like we humans do…which I find very intriguing.

In trying to deal with some of these annoying quirks, my youngest daughter and I became fans of Cesaer Milan. One of his favorite sayings is “You don’t always get the dog you want, you get the dog you need.” When faced with a challenge twenty+ years ago, my grandfather would say to me “be patient Denise, God is trying to teach you something.” Cesaer’s quote made me question what God was trying to teach me through my dogs. I know I’m whacked out of my head, right? But listen, I find this truly amazing, funny and eye opening and hopefully you will see how God teaches us through everything and everyone we encounter in our life. He can teach us about ourselves or how to relate to others…He’s so amazing and multifaceted.He can show you ugliness within yourself that He would like evicted, while at the same time showing you how to relate to others that struggle with the same issues you have. I love Him for the ability to teach ALL in multiple areas all at the same time ~ His Omnipotence at work!

Being an insatiable “loveaholic,” it’s important that my dogs be very loving because I NEED love. Yes, it’s true I’m high maintenance. The Jack Russell we had at the time was great, but he was way too bouncy for me, too hyper, too “tiggeresk” if you will. His energy did not calm my spirit, it wound me up tighter than I was at the start.  My youngest of four was going into preschool and after four I wasn’t contemplating having any more kiddos, so I decided another dog would help fill the void I had now that she was in school. On February 14, 2003, our Chihuahua, Romeo was adopted into our family.  Oh was he a cuddle bug! He clung to me, followed me around and just seemed to be a perfect fit.

However as he grew, mingled amongst the moments when Romeo was very loving were times when he was domineering, over protective, aggressive, snappy and very unpredictable. This made it so hard to love him. My heart was broken because this wasn’t the dog I wanted. We tried all Cesaer’s techniques and clearly I’m lacking Cesaer’s gift…I’m apparently a weak pack leader.  Cesaer’s quote “You don’t always get the dog you want, you get the dog you need” rang so loudly in my ears over and over and over.

One day sitting in my family room staring out our patio door windows at my pink flowered plum tree, I was watching our two dogs side by side outside peering in at me.  Skipper was bouncing none stop up and down, up and down, up and down at the windows, while Romeo was timidly standing there with a look of scared longing eyes desiring to come in yet so very unsure what awaited his entrance.  Two opposites existing together desiring the same things, love and attention, but both going about it in two different ways. All of a sudden it was as if God reached down and spoke directly into my soul, not with audible words, but with instant understanding…”they mirror you and Bill.” What?! And I kid you not, it was like instantaneously connections were made to all their characteristics and our human behaviors…it seemed like no time elapsed between this understanding, but rather it just was placed there immediately. Peculiar, yet not so weird because that’s God, right?!

Skipper embodied Bill’s personality. He was the happy go lucky, never met a stranger, wants to love all over you…and…from the time his feet hit the floor in the morning he’s running, chipper, bouncy, hyper and happy. Ugghhh. Is that how you’re supposed to be in the morning? I don’t get it, I don’t resemble that at all. Bill’s high energy and adrenaline addicted soul in business mode can wind me up, agitate me instantly and give me anxiety attack at any moment.

Now Romeo on the other hand wants love so bad, but is so scared of everything. He longs to be played with, loved and given attention, but is a very sensitive soul that doesn’t trust very much, is very insecure and can change his mood instantly. He growls and snips to ward off intrusion in an effort to protect himself. Sadly, all he really wants is to be close, but he just doesn’t understand how to interact. He’s a very sweet dog that’s trapped in a very sensitive, insecure, untrusting body. Bless his little heart…I understand him so well for he mirrors me!

When God revealed this imagery to me, He helped me view myself the way others see me (but yet don’t understand me.) He showed me how others are affected by my behavior and how that makes Him feel when He sees me behave that way. At the same time He helped me understand how to relate to Romeo on a different level and to begin to love him in spite of all his flaws. Because Romeo is like this, he doesn’t have many friends because they don’t know if they can trust him not to bite them…so they keep their distance. Unfortunately, his untrusting nature is reflected back to him. That’s not what he desires, but it’s what his responses have trained others to do.  I don’t know if Romeo will ever change, if he will ever become secure and strong, feeling safe to let others in. But my hope is that he will ~ he turned 9 December 15 and is still blessing us with his little spirited self…so, there’s still hope. And there is still hope for me that having been shown this, God will help transform these areas in my life that I find similar to Romeo’s brokenness and breathe a fresh new existence to live out what He tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7…for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. In His strength I will overcome.

Through hairy reflections God not only taught me about myself, but also showed me how I need to work hard to love the “unlovable.” Not only does my little Romeo resemble me in many areas, but he also represents those that we refer to as “sandpaper” people that seem so unlovable.  Romeo reminds me how important it is to have compassion, mercy and understanding for the unlovables just like God has for me…even they just want to be loved. Oh and I know, just by knowing this doesn’t make it easy…in fact I believe it’s a tough lesson to live out and one that can only be done through prayer, submission and total focus on Jesus. Romeo, family, close friends and many aquaintances are refining tools that I’m repeatedly challenged with on how to love the “unlovable”…as am I for those that encounter me at my most unlovable and unpredictable moments.

We’re all born with the desire to be loved, we were created to be in relationship with others….some of us just aren’t as good at it as others. I’ve become an avid observer of those that do this well, trying to learn this foreign art. Most frequently I stand in awe and envy those that this comes easy to because it is like rocket science to me…I don’t always get it!

Some of the hardest lessons I’ve learned are when God takes the simple in my life and shows me how it relates to me and my surroundings. I love that He knows I need visual teaching…He so knows His child. After all He created me, right? Don’t forget to look for those “hairy reflections that are hard to swallow” and be open to what God wants to teach you about yourself and others. Be prepared, you can see these mirror images in your pets, spouse, children, neighbors, coworkers, parents, basically anyone.

Where I’ve found Him to reach me best is putting me in a situation that truly irritates and agitates me to where I desire to complain about that situation…trying to remove the “speck” from their eye or “fix” them…and He’s trying to get me to see the “log” that I must deal with first. Who irritates you? Who agitates you? What do you hate the most? Where do you judge others? Do you see any similarities?

Thank you Father for your faithful shepherding, tender loving care, gentle redirections, empowering spirit that transforms us and reveals all things to us, and for never making us do it alone but being our Helper and Advocate along the way. Without you Father we are nothing. I’m grateful for all that You’ve done, all that you do, and all that You will do! May one day I reflect Your Son’s image in a manner that is worthy and honoring to Your Name. Amen.

PS. I didn’t mention Bella our Havanese. Now she represents what I believe God is working towards by putting two opposites like Bill and me together. Taking two extremes and working to get a very healthy, happy, balanced, medium. Bella is playful, bouncy, and loves to have lots of fun, but not overwhelmingly so and will calm down when asked to. She exhibits no fear, timidity, or aggressiveness, but is submissive. She loves at all times and wants to give you all the attention you desire. She has no favorites, loves all equally, and truly has never met a stranger. After praying for her arrival, God delivered. He did provide me with the dog I wanted and the dog I needed, while still utilizing her to teach me His lesson. Thanks, Abba!

After dating for 4 years my high school sweetheart and I married at age 20, had our first daughter 6 months later and moved to L.A. away from all our family and friends. I was isolated with a newborn while my husband attended Los Angeles State University, played baseball and worked. My small town girl personality didn’t flourish in the big city environment. Seven months later I was hospitalized for 3 weeks with depression, atypical psychosis, and anxiety…basically they couldn’t explain what was happening. They were merely attempting to treat the symptoms.

My grandfather called me every night in the hospital to pray with me and for me. He sent me a small poster of “Footprints” and encouraged me that God was there, reminded me He was teaching me something and reassured me that I would be okay. At this point in time, I feared I would forget my entire family and dissolve into a state of unknowing, so I surrounded myself with their photos and tried to believe all would be okay like my grandfather said. I also experienced overwhelming feelings of needing to end it all, hearing the lie that everyone would be better off without me. At the end of the spring semester we moved back home so family could help us. The doctors placed me on a variety of medicines for 12+ months and sent me to counseling. However, nothing seemed to remove the darkness that had swallowed me.

While I was taking these heavy medications I found out I was pregnant. Life stopped. The doctors told me I had really only one option. I found myself trapped in the midst of a choice that went against God and all I ever believed. I wrestled with God and the doctor’s advice. I remember laying on the ground writhing in turmoil even the night before saying “I can’t do this.” At this place in my existence I believed doctors knew everything…I had to listen to them. Everyone around me was telling me that this was the right thing. No one was counseling me on trusting God and encouraging me to keep our baby. I hadn’t realized that the deep conflict within me, the entity I was wrestling with so strongly was the spirit within me. Therefore, the world won and my heart was left shattered. How could I ever forgive myself?

In brokenness, I ran back to church. During a service, I, the prodigal daughter, realized I had to return. I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. Tears poured down my cheeks as I cried out to my Father above. I didn’t deserve His forgiveness after what I’d done. I didn’t deserve His grace or mercy.  But inside my heart I knew He had never stopped loving me despite my failings. He was not going to leave me, nor forsake me. My fear of walking in front of the entire congregation was consumed and I desired to acknowledge publicly that Jesus was and is my only help…proclaiming Him and His goodness in front of everyone.

Although I had taken my inheritance of eternal life, spent it wildly like the prodigal son in the Bible, this time of difficulty is exactly what a hardheaded, stubborn, rebellious child needed in order to realize my way was vacant of everything I truly was designed for. Within the next few weeks the mysterious dark fog that terrorized me lifted…it left as quickly as it appeared.

I’m so grateful God included stories in the Bible of others who resemble some of the darkest parts of me.  Moses brought redemption to God’s people, led them out of captivity, mediated the Old Covenant, and wrote the Pentateuch (the first 5 books of the Bible)…even after choosing to kill the Egyptian who was beating a Hebrew brother God used him. And, David was an adulterer, a liar and a murderer, yet God called him a “man after His heart.”  In the midst of being a mighty man for God, he chose to do the unthinkable revealing yet again that he was far from being perfect. Although David sinned, he always loved God and would intentionally seek to turn back from his poor choices. I find comfort knowing that these same men struggled in their faith, yet God chose to put in ink how important their role in history is and His unending love for them.

“Thank you Jesus for paving the way with your perfect sacrifice so that I may receive forgiveness and enjoy a relationship with my Heavenly Father. Amen.”

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