DISCLAIMER: I have been the victim of this AND I have been the perpetrator, too.  I stand not in judgment, but lay prostrate in humble submission acknowledging my behavior’s ability to be so ugly at times. What a wretched tent of flesh I live in.

Sometimes my heart just breaks.

Sometimes those wounds are caused through friends.

Many times those pleading their case don’t realize they’re wielding the same sword.

One night 4 years ago, we held a party at our home.  We invited our close circle of friends that we study the Bible with and enjoy doing life together. They are our extended treasured family.

We also invited a dear friend Gertrude.  Although I love Gertrude dearly, my buttons of irritation go on high alert around her.  No matter the situation my filter interprets how she treats me, talks to me, reminds me and instructs me in a derogatory way.  I feel I’m treated like I’m 5, yet I’m rounding the corner to 50.  The words I hear in my head are “She thinks you’re stupid!” and it drives me absolutely CRAZY!  I don’t think her intention is to treat me this way, but I can’t get my mind to stop decoding our interactions this way.  Much immediate prayer in the moment is required to help me be loving to her at these times.  And many times, I fail miserably.

Have you ever met anybody that loves what they do yet their words seem to create a different picture?  I listen in perplexity to Gertrude’s story telling.  How the patrons at her volunteer job break all the rules of no food, how volunteer peers just can’t seem to follow the clothing guidelines, how players in her Sports Club are rule breakers and how frustrating it is to “police” all of this.  After attentively listening, my unloving quips begin to flow… “Why don’t you stop volunteering at your job or stop being the Rules Administrator for your Club?”  When excitedly I’m met with her exclamation, “No way! I love what I’m doing!”  I sit and scratch my head trying to understand how someone can love something so much yet focus on only the bad and appear to hate every moment. Interesting.  Peculiar.  The behavior is the exact opposite of what Scripture says in
Philippians 4:8:

“…whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.”

And yes, I realize at this very moment, I’m guilty of doing the exact same thing.  I love my friend Gertrude dearly and yet my focus in these first few paragraphs is on revealing only the blemishes she wears…is it okay if I’m only speaking of it in order to illustrate how God taught me through it?  I’m not sure…because He asks me to focus on the good and give Him everything else. Hhm.

Despite these behaviors, I love her.  I try hard to accept and understand this about Gerty and this remains to be one of my biggest struggles.  I must admit, I did this much better when I was younger.  As I get older I wrestle more and more with overlooking these flaws and loving her well like God instructs me to do.  Eliminating my sarcastic remarks and responses filled with irritation and intentionally loving this dear widow He’s placed in my life.  In an effort to overcome this ugliness in myself, I’ve found it imperative to acknowledge that with these blemishes come many things that are right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.  Gerty goes above and beyond to help you out, is generous when someone is in need, runs all over the mountainside to find what you’ve asked for, functions like a workhorse at the age of 79, adores her grandchildren and great grandchildren, and loves to serve in order to make a difference in your life.  Gerty will cook, clean, wash laundry, take care of animals, you name it she will do it because she LOVES YOU! She’s a servant at heart.  I have no doubt when she stands before Jesus that she will hear “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

Unfortunately, all this good quickly gets overlooked because many people focus on her flaws.  They get drained by her innate ability to focus on and speak of the difficulties.  Some are wounded by her comments and don’t unconditionally love her well.  I get this response because often times I have found myself sitting in this same bed of ruffled feathers.  Like I said, without Jesus and His power I would fail all the time.

After our party I was confronted by a friend with a wound that had been inflicted by Gerty.  Late one night Julie called saying she wanted to chat. Ugh…by her voice I knew the topic couldn’t be good.  I realized a few seconds into our conversation that she had been emotionally hurt by my dear friend Gerty and wanted to talk to me about her.

Apparently Gerty had expressed her extreme dislike, probably more like hatred, for our new Worship Arts leader.  Gerty was busy tearing him down and saying how horrible a music leader he was.  Stating they had brought this Rock-n-Roller in to our church and he was terrible.  Basically, Gerty had nothing nice to say.  Gertrude is a traditional Baptist who believes Christian hymns are the only way to worship God. Our new modern and very LOUD music with electric guitars and drums is not worship music.  The absence of piano and organs categorizes it as obnoxious noise that hurts her ears.  In contrast, Julie, as well as I, adore this worship leader.  Julie loves how he brings her into the presence of our Mighty God.  She sees him as very gifted and a blessing to our church. Julie’s heart connects to all the songs he fashions for our service. Consequently, her heart was ripped apart by listening to how Gerty was tearing him down.  Agreed.  I understand completely.

Julie proceeded to tell me that what Gerty did was extremely hurtful by tearing down a person she deeply loved.  A person Julie admired.  A person Julie had grown to view as family.  And, Julie was left feeling at a loss and didn’t know quite what to do.

Not knowing what Julie desired to accomplish through our conversation, I apologized for Gerty.  I said I understood how she felt, I’ve felt the same many times before, but what I’ve found over time is I must focus on the goodness of her heart and understand Gerty doesn’t mean to cause harm.  Understanding that this learned communication style to speak about the difficulties is something Gerty has done her entire life.  She’s set in her ways.  Oh don’t think for a minute I’ve mastered this…my husband is the first one to gently remind me GRACE, Denise extend Grace and Mercy.

I apologized again for the pain it caused Julie.  I think Julie just needed to process her encounter with someone safe in order to obtain understanding.  But I was at a loss for how to proceed.  I didn’t know if Julie had any specific desired outcome or if she just needed to be heard and share her burden.  I encouraged her to speak with Gerty and share how this encounter had hurt Julie’s feelings. But Julie did not want to do that.  I stated that I can’t really “dis-invite” Gerty to my gatherings, but that Julie and her family could choose to not come in the future if it would be too uncomfortable…but I hoped that she would try to understand Gerty, have compassion for Gerty despite her behavior, and see her with God’s eyes.

There was so much else I wanted to say, but I felt it was merely going to inflict more pain…

Like maybe practice what Jesus says in Matthew 18:15-17:

¹⁵ “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. ¹⁶ But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.

I know if Gerty was approached in love, in private and heard how she’d hurt Julie’s feelings, Gerty’s heart would have been broken and she would have apologized.  Devastation would have occurred.  Gerty means no harm, she just has no internal monologue filter anymore.  I’ve determined as we age beyond our 60’s, we begin reverting to toddler ages and start doing and saying whatever we want without a thought or care in the world.  Remember when your kids or nieces/nephews would blurt out embarrassing comments at 3-5 years old and you were MORTIFIED…yeah, just like that!  I’ve already begun apologizing to my kids…saying I’m fairly certain I’m going to do these absurd things and I’M SORRY!!!

And, the lesson begins.  Unfortunately instead of privately sharing with  Gerty how what she said was hurtful, Julie chose to complain to me about what happened…in essence, gossip to a dear friend of the perpetrator.  And the pain was perpetuated. Ugh.  As humans we get it so wrong majority of the time.  Father forgive me when I have done this…I’m sure I’ve done it without realizing.

Once I hung up the phone, tears gently slid down my face.  Speaking to my husband as I lay in bed, I shared what just transpired on the phone.  I wept because although I get frustrated with Gerty, I want others to love her.  I want them to understand her. I want them to have compassion for her.  I want them to overlook her flaws and deeply treasure her.

What Julie was so angry and hurt about, the issue that had prompted her to call me…Gerty tearing down our highly esteemed worship arts leader who she loved…was exactly what Julie was now guilty of doing to me in regards to Gerty.  In a moment, in a turn of a dime, in a flash of lightening, and in a blink of an eye Julies’ complaint morphed into what she was complaining about.  One of my dearest friends was complaining about a woman deeply loved by me, admired by our family, treasured beyond all treasures and truly family to us.  Julie was speaking ill of my Gerty, saying what a horrible Christian she was, tearing her down and judging Gerty on her poor behavior.  Julie became guilty of the same behavior she called to complain about.  How’s that for irony.

Why is it my heart is so ripe for teaching when I encounter pain?  This moment taught me to be very careful not to wield the same sword.  Many times we judge others in areas that we fall so vastly short.  Sometimes we encounter painful situations or sandpaper people because God is placing a mirror up in front of us so we can see ourselves and how our interactions touch others.  Be mindful of your ways, be compassionate, show mercy and above all else LOVE.  Love covers a multitude of sins.

In hindsight, one thing I will do differently next time is offer to pray with the hurt individual.  Why did I neglect this opportunity?  Seeking God’s healing during a painful encounter is the only way to find peace.  He is the only One who can reveal why things happen the way they do and provide sustaining relief, redeem the situation and restore relationships back to wholeness.  Always a work in progress!

Remember, that when we think or say harsh things about ourselves, our loved ones, our neighbors, and even our enemies…God’s heart is broken in a similar fashion.  He adores each and everyone of us! He created us in His image.  Despite our blemishes and flaws He adores us!  He looks beyond our brokenness.  He is long-suffering, gracious, merciful and faithful and chooses to focus on and help us to become the beautiful Masterpiece He created us to be.