After dating for 4 years my high school sweetheart and I married at age 20, had our first daughter 6 months later and moved to L.A. away from all our family and friends. I was isolated with a newborn while my husband attended Los Angeles State University, played baseball and worked. My small town girl personality didn’t flourish in the big city environment. Seven months later I was hospitalized for 3 weeks with depression, atypical psychosis, and anxiety…basically they couldn’t explain what was happening. They were merely attempting to treat the symptoms.
My grandfather called me every night in the hospital to pray with me and for me. He sent me a small poster of “Footprints” and encouraged me that God was there, reminded me He was teaching me something and reassured me that I would be okay. At this point in time, I feared I would forget my entire family and dissolve into a state of unknowing, so I surrounded myself with their photos and tried to believe all would be okay like my grandfather said. I also experienced overwhelming feelings of needing to end it all, hearing the lie that everyone would be better off without me. At the end of the spring semester we moved back home so family could help us. The doctors placed me on a variety of medicines for 12+ months and sent me to counseling. However, nothing seemed to remove the darkness that had swallowed me.
While I was taking these heavy medications I found out I was pregnant. Life stopped. The doctors told me I had really only one option. I found myself trapped in the midst of a choice that went against God and all I ever believed. I wrestled with God and the doctor’s advice. I remember laying on the ground writhing in turmoil even the night before saying “I can’t do this.” At this place in my existence I believed doctors knew everything…I had to listen to them. Everyone around me was telling me that this was the right thing. No one was counseling me on trusting God and encouraging me to keep our baby. I hadn’t realized that the deep conflict within me, the entity I was wrestling with so strongly was the spirit within me. Therefore, the world won and my heart was left shattered. How could I ever forgive myself?
In brokenness, I ran back to church. During a service, I, the prodigal daughter, realized I had to return. I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. Tears poured down my cheeks as I cried out to my Father above. I didn’t deserve His forgiveness after what I’d done. I didn’t deserve His grace or mercy. But inside my heart I knew He had never stopped loving me despite my failings. He was not going to leave me, nor forsake me. My fear of walking in front of the entire congregation was consumed and I desired to acknowledge publicly that Jesus was and is my only help…proclaiming Him and His goodness in front of everyone.
Although I had taken my inheritance of eternal life, spent it wildly like the prodigal son in the Bible, this time of difficulty is exactly what a hardheaded, stubborn, rebellious child needed in order to realize my way was vacant of everything I truly was designed for. Within the next few weeks the mysterious dark fog that terrorized me lifted…it left as quickly as it appeared.
I’m so grateful God included stories in the Bible of others who resemble some of the darkest parts of me. Moses brought redemption to God’s people, led them out of captivity, mediated the Old Covenant, and wrote the Pentateuch (the first 5 books of the Bible)…even after choosing to kill the Egyptian who was beating a Hebrew brother God used him. And, David was an adulterer, a liar and a murderer, yet God called him a “man after His heart.” In the midst of being a mighty man for God, he chose to do the unthinkable revealing yet again that he was far from being perfect. Although David sinned, he always loved God and would intentionally seek to turn back from his poor choices. I find comfort knowing that these same men struggled in their faith, yet God chose to put in ink how important their role in history is and His unending love for them.
“Thank you Jesus for paving the way with your perfect sacrifice so that I may receive forgiveness and enjoy a relationship with my Heavenly Father. Amen.”
*Return to Faithfulness of God
