Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. …

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? …

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. …

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. But you, O God, will cast them down into the pit of destruction; men of blood and treachery shall not live out half their days. But I will trust in you.

And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you.

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, …

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.”

Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

You came near when I called on you; you said, ‘Do not fear!’

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!

Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Pray without ceasing,

The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death.

If iniquity is in your hand, put it far away, and let not injustice dwell in your tents. Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish; you will be secure and will not fear.

And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.

“So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.

A Song of Ascents. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

Of David. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. …

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. …

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.

He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you.

But whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster.”

Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Fear not, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel! I am the one who helps you, declares the Lord; your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. …

“Yet you would not go up, but rebelled against the command of the Lord your God. And you murmured in your tents and said, ‘Because the Lord hated us he has brought us out of the land of Egypt, to give us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us. Where are we going up? Our brothers have made our hearts melt, saying, “The people are greater and taller than we. The cities are great and fortified up to heaven. And besides, we have seen the sons of the Anakim there.”’ Then I said to you, ‘Do not be in dread or afraid of them. The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, …

Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world. He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, having become as much superior to angels as the name he has inherited is more excellent than theirs. For to which of the angels did God ever say, “You are my Son, today I have begotten you”? Or again, “I will be to him a father, and he shall be to me a son”? …

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

In that day this song will be sung in the land of Judah: “We have a strong city; he sets up salvation as walls and bulwarks. Open the gates, that the righteous nation that keeps faith may enter in. You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. For he has humbled the inhabitants of the height, the lofty city. He lays it low, lays it low to the ground, casts it to the dust. …

And the Lord said to Paul one night in a vision, “Do not be afraid, but go on speaking and do not be silent, for I am with you, and no one will attack you to harm you, for I have many in this city who are my people.”

Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. “And I tell you, everyone who acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man also will acknowledge before the angels of God, but the one who denies me before men will be denied before the angels of God.

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

For the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me.

Mightier than the thunders of many waters, mightier than the waves of the sea, the Lord on high is mighty!

From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I,

Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. …

But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.

He said, “Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.” So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

“Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice, for the Lord has done great things!

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

I came from the Father and have come into the world, and now I am leaving the world and going to the Father.”

But when Christ appeared as a high priest of the good things that have come, then through the greater and more perfect tent (not made with hands, that is, not of this creation)

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord‘s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.

Let the evildoer still do evil, and the filthy still be filthy, and the righteous still do right, and the holy still be holy.” “Behold, I am coming soon, bringing my recompense with me, to repay everyone for what he has done.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”

“But watch yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap.

At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison—

So I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’

That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” Nicodemus said to him, “How can these things be?” Jesus answered him, “Are you the teacher of Israel and yet you do not understand these things? …

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed,

The vision of Isaiah the son of Amoz, which he saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem in the days of Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah, kings of Judah. Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth; for the Lord has spoken: “Children have I reared and brought up, but they have rebelled against me. The ox knows its owner, and the donkey its master’s crib, but Israel does not know, my people do not understand.” Ah, sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, offspring of evildoers, children who deal corruptly! They have forsaken the Lord, they have despised the Holy One of Israel, they are utterly estranged. Why will you still be struck down? Why will you continue to rebel? The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint. …

Now the young man Samuel was ministering to the Lord under Eli. And the word of the Lord was rare in those days; there was no frequent vision. At that time Eli, whose eyesight had begun to grow dim so that he could not see, was lying down in his own place. The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the temple of the Lord, where the ark of God was. Then the Lord called Samuel, and he said, “Here I am!” and ran to Eli and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” But he said, “I did not call; lie down again.” So he went and lay down. …

Masters, treat your slaves justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven. Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison— that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak. Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. …

And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, “Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before me.” But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went on board, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the Lord. But the Lord hurled a great wind upon the sea, and there was a mighty tempest on the sea, so that the ship threatened to break up. Then the mariners were afraid, and each cried out to his god. And they hurled the cargo that was in the ship into the sea to lighten it for them. But Jonah had gone down into the inner part of the ship and had lain down and was fast asleep. …

Yesterday I was being nudged to share a part of my life, penning heartfelt words on a subject I wish I didn’t have knowledge on. I wasn’t really interested in opening up and giving the world access. Not even my closest friends have been allowed entrance…my husband is the only one that has seen me at my weakest. Those times when I feel like jumping out of my skin, running to the ends of the earth, disappearing lifeless into the paint on the walls or melting motionless into the hardwood of our floors. And even in these moments, only my God knows the most secretive details of my body, mind and soul. He gets me. My Jehovah-rophe, the God who heals, understands my perplexities, my innermost being, way better than even I do. I didn’t want to reveal this broken area.

So…I said “No.”

This morning at 5 am I woke to kiss my hubby good-bye. But before shutting my eyes for more pleasant sleep, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through Facebook to see what my little world was up to.

Bad…bad idea! Especially after you’ve just said “No” to a divine request. Clearly my wrestling match was not over, yet.

My passion in this area runs hot! So I want to apologize if in my written expression I cause pain or come across as judgmental. Pain and judgment are not my intent. Presenting an observation from a different perspective…providing a set of unfamiliar shoes to walk in for just a brief moment in order to glimpse the battle faced on the front line …that’s my sole intent.

From the time I was a young girl I had moments I thought I was going crazy. I thought I’d stop breathing or my heart might jump out of my chest. I would run into the family room late at night telling my mom I wanted to sit with her, have her scratch my back or claim I just couldn’t sleep, I needed to lay my head on her lap…but, at that moment, I was sure I was going to die! I just needed to be with someone in case that happened…I just really needed to have a safe, secure touch that conveyed reassurance I’d be okay. I don’t know why I never told her what was going on…other than, darkness likes to stay hidden from light or being different is scary. Or…sharing your weakness SUCKS!

The earliest I remember is around 9 years old. I didn’t understand these episodes until I experienced my first depression in my early twenties. Doctors began to explain to me that I was having anxiety and panic attacks. They gave me medicine to “calm” me down. However, all that did was make things worse! The anxiety meds made my anxiety skyrocket…Ugh! I only would occasionally experience sudden tsunami waves where devastating emotional debris was left behind. Because I wasn’t living continuously in this danger zone, taking medicine on a regular basis just seemed really absurd.

I’ve wrestled with anxiety throughout my life for the last 40 years. Because of this personal painful journey, my heart breaks when I hear people say certain things. First, I feel judged and torn down and then I feel a deep compassion and mercy for those who are in the same boat as me. How must they feel when they hear careless words thrown around.

This morning I was confronted by a quote by George Mueller that was beautifully painted by a woman artist. “The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.”  I’ve had friends that have said “fear is the absence of faith.”  I take offense to these little expressions.  I believe these to be lies…lies from the enemy meant to cause even more pain than already exists in a broken body.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m missing the mark and off base with God…but this is so contrary to everything that I’ve experienced.  Maybe because my pain is so personal I misinterpret what they’re trying to say.  None the less when I hear these flippant sayings I receive yet another injury.

Now do I think this was written with malicious intent or painted to stir up pain and cause wounds…uhm…NO.  Absolutely not!  I believe the intention was to motivate people to trust in God with everything.  My questions are “Did either of these individuals ever experience anxiety and panic attacks for themselves?  Are they referring to the type of anxiety I encounter?  Is the context of this more like a normal ‘worry’ over getting a good grade in class, finding a close parking spot so you won’t be late or will I be able to provide food for my children tonight?”

Yes, they are entitled to their opinion, but I wanted to share how my opinion is so differing to theirs.  To the majority this might just be another rant, but maybe, just maybe, there’s another soul who would benefit from hearing that someone else understands.  To that one starfish stranded on the beach in the midst of 1000’s of others, hearing words of encouragement that gently toss them back into the environment they need to breath might mean everything to that starfish’s existence.  If that were to happen, then my baring of my soul has been worth it.

In these confrontations, when my stomach feels punched, my heart feels shredded and my brokenness seems attacked and judged…I work hard to do like Jesus did when persecuted — “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”

You see, I don’t have “control” over when my anxiety will raise it’s head, searching to devour me.

A smell, a sound, a crowded room, a loud commotion, an exhausted body, a weird turn of my head, a car drive to familiar places are all things that can lead to my unannounced friend showing up. We are no longer acquaintances because we know each other too well.  We’ve spent far too much time together.

This thing I used to view as an enemy…a terrorizer of my soul doesn’t listen when I scream “STOP!”  My heart beats like it will burst from my chest.  Every fiber in my being wants to run fast and hard to as far as the East is from the West.  Sounds in the room seem to intensify and speed up like when fast forwarding a cassette tape.  Every opening in my body wants to expel and to purge all substances from within me.  There is no earthly place to run or hide, no place to flee where I can find relief.  I have to let anxiety and panic run it’s course.  I have to wait until the adrenaline has depleted and my mind stops circling the habitual path of terror.

I KNOW it’s irrational. I KNOW what it is. Yet, none of that matters.  There’s no controlling this bullying, taunting, tyrant beast.

But even in the midst of these attacks…I have FAITH!  I run to God.  I seek His refuge.  I seek His peace.  I seek His comfort.  I submit to Him saying if I die in this moment of attack, I will be in the presence of You, my Lord.  Even in death I will have gained.  And, in the middle of my wide-eyed terror, as sweat engulfs my body, I can rustle up a smile.  Even if it is the tiniest curl of the corners of my mouth that no one else can witness…I can feel my facial muscles fighting to succeed.

I’ve chosen to change my perspective and focus on the positive that comes from my private encounters with uncontrollable fear. This brokenness within me might have been intended to destroy, kill, disappoint, and discourage me, but instead I’ve been driven into the arms of my Savior.  That’s true faith!  My terror delivers me to my God.  With each battle my trust in Him is strengthened. In my weakness, God is my strength!

I’ve found there is true faith existing alongside anxiety.  My God tells me “I am the Lord your God, I will take hold of your right hand. Do not fear! I will help you!” In the depths of my suffering He sits by me, walks with me, holds me until the overwhelming dread passes.  If my enemy (or, so called friend) did not exist, I quite possibly wouldn’t know my Lord my God intimately like this.  I can therefore rejoice in these temporary moments where I’m held in a dark prison cell because I know I’m not alone, my God is with me.  This true faith is what will empower me to travel alone, leaving the security of my faithful husband who is always there to reassure me the moment will pass (yes, for an entire month to visit my grand babies), always providing the reassuring touch that I will not die.  I will be dependent completely and solely on remembering God is with me during these trials…He is the One who truly helps me. He is always with me.  True faith!

Faith is not the absence of fear, but rather the ability to have courage to face your fears and be an overcomer!  I am an overcomer.

There is a part of me that wishes this wasn’t my thorn.  Yet, I’m grateful for all that it has driven me towards. Grateful for the opportunities I’m given to strengthen my faith, practice courage and face my fear.  They are faith workouts.

I’ve heard them all… “if you had more faith, this wouldn’t happen”… “You need to know whose you are because perfect love casts out fear”… “If you really knew God completely, you’d have no fear.”  ARGH!  Jesus gives me pictures in my mind of turning the other cheek when someone comes to slap me.  He gives me pictures of giving them my cloak too when they try to come and steal my joy of knowing Him in the midst of suffering through anxiety.

Look at it as if I had diabetes.  If I knew God the best I could ever know Him, would my diabetes disappear?  That’s an ailment, a broken area that for whatever reason a body has quite possibly chosen to exhibit even if I don’t over indulge in sugar, even if I regulate my food intake…it just is broken…it produces insulin at a different rate then God designed our bodies to function at.  But through medicine and through God’s help I can manage my life, I can find peace in the midst of my struggle. It doesn’t go away…it’s still there.

At first I’m really angry, and then, God gets me to the point of forgiveness… “Father forgive them for they do not walk in the shoes you’ve given me. They do not know what they do to my heart.”

This peculiar juxtaposition of  trust and fear spurred me to know my Identity in Christ.  Getting a deep strong grasp on who I am through Jesus empowered me to cling to these truths in the pits of darkness.  I was determined to scour the Bible and learn all I could about fear and anxiety, and what God says about them.

Today, this is my experience. Only God knows what tomorrow will bring or if His plan includes releasing me from these moments of captivity.  In the meantime, I will fight for and love on the ones trapped in similar journeys for even in these scary spots, we can experience freedom that nothing or no one can take.

I’ve found that many times I find relief in singing praise music.  My afflictions become eclipsed by His glory.  Even in the midst of my troubles my desire is to praise and worship God.  Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice…for loving me in all my brokenness…for healing my wounds…for providing a way of escape.

 

 

How to Prayby R.A. Torrey
Chapter 9: Hindrances  to Prayer

SELFISHNESS hinders prayer:    A selfish purpose/motive in prayer robs prayer of power. The true purpose in prayer is that God may be glorified in the answer.  If we ask any petition merely to receive something to use for our pleasure or gratification, we should not expect to receive what we ask.  James 4:3 says,

“When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures.”


SIN hinders prayer:
    As long as we hold on to sin or have any controversy with God, we cannot expect Him to heed our prayers.  If there is anything that is constantly coming up in your moments of close communion with God, that is the thing that hinders prayer . . . put it away!  Isaiah 59:1-2 says,

“Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear, but your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear.”


IDOLATRY hinders prayer:
   An idol is anything that takes the place of God, anything that is the supreme object of our affection.  God alone has the right to the supreme place in our hearts, not our spouse, children, reputation, business or anything else.  Ezekiel 14:3 says,

“Son of man, these men have set up idols in their hearts and put wicked stumbling blocks before their faces.  Should I let them inquire of me at all?”


STINGINESS hinders prayer:
    Stinginess is the lack of generosity toward the poor and toward God’s work.  Proverbs 21:13 says,

“If you refuse to listen to the cry of the poor, your own cry for help will not be heard.”


AN UNFORGIVING SPIRIT  hinders prayer:
     God cannot deal with us on the basis of forgiveness while we are harboring ill will against those who have wronged us.  Mark 11:25 says,

“And when you stand praying if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”


A WRONG HUSBAND/WIFE RELATIONSHIP hinders prayer: 
    If husbands and wives diligently seek to find the cause of their unanswered prayers, they will often find it in their relationship to one another.
1 Peter 3:7 says,

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you in the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

UNBELIEF hinders prayer:     God demands that we believe His Word absolutely.  To question is to make Him a liar.  James 1:5-7 says,

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

The P.R.A.Y. model is a tool to help guide you into the presence of God during your personal devotional time.

P — Praise/Thanksgiving
:

R — Repent:  Ask God to show you what you need to repent from, then seek His forgiveness.  End this time by asking God to transform you with His power so that you would choose differently the next time you’re tempted in the same way.

A — Ask:  Throughout the Bible we are encouraged to bring our requests to God. This is where you lay your requests before Him.

Y —  Yield:  Take some time to just sit and listen to Jesus. Jot down whatever phrases, pictures, or scriptures come to your mind in this time. It’s probably the Spirit speaking to you.

This is only a tool that is meant to inspire you and encourage you to pray.  Jesus often went off to solitary places to pray in quiet…following His example is a good idea for us, too.

 

PRAISE / THANKSGIVING:

Every prayer should begin with praise.  Praise takes our thoughts and directs them vertically – towards God – worshiping Him for who He is and for what He has done. The “P” of praise reminds us that the beginning of prayer is focused on recognizing and praising God for His attributes…sharing with God what we appreciate about His character and why.  Praise God for who He is and what He has done, offering Him your thanks.

Psalm 100:3 “Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise.” 

Psalms 103:1 “Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. 2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits.”

Psalm 145

“Dear God, I praise you because you are ___.”

 

REPENT:

After praising God prayer moves into repentance. We must clear out all the old ashes if we desire a new fire.  Although we’ve been forgiven for all our past, present and future sins. We realize that we still fall into sin which disturbs our connection and communication with our Heavenly Father.  During this time, invite the Holy Spirit to reveal your sins.  If you struggle with thinking of where you stumble try to jog your memory by thinking of some of these areas: sins of omission, sins of commission, sins of thought, sins of attitude, sins of relationships, sins of self-centered conduct, or sins of relying on self.

I John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness”

Psalms 51:9-12Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.  Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.  Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.”

Isaiah 30:15 “This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.”

2 Corinthians 7:10 “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”

“God, I am sorry for ___. I receive your forgiveness based on 1 John 1:9.”

 

ASK:

After our hearts are focused on praising God and cleansed through our repentance, our hearts are prepared to ask. This is where we “wait in expectation” as David says (Psalm 5:3).

Hebrews 4:16 “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

 James 4:2 “You do not have, because you do not ask”

Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened”

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

The asking segment can be broken up into two categories. First we intercede and pray for others, then we enter supplication where we lay our personal requests before God.

Intercessory:
Ezekiel 22:30 “And I sought for a man among them, that should make up the hedge, and stand in the gap before me for the land, that I should not destroy it: but I found none.”

Supplication:
Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:  For every one that asks receives; and he that seeks finds; and to him that knocks it shall be opened.”

“God, please ___.”

YES / YIELD:

Here is where we submit our desires to God.  We willing yield our wants and thoughts to God’s sovereign wisdom. Through all of our praying the most important thing we must do is yield to God. Ultimately we desire that God’s will to be done in our lives.  By doing this we are following Jesus’ model that He illustrated for us in His prayer life.  We lay aside our desires and say “Here am I.” Spend time thanking God for His blessings for by meditating on His many blessings we can experience healing for today.

Matthew 26:39 “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

I Samuel 3:16Then Eli called Samuel, and said, Samuel, my son. And he answered, Here am I.”
Additional Prompts:
Psalm 100, 138, 118, 145; Psalm 95:2-3; Psalm 28:7
2 Corinthians 4:15-16; 2 Corinthians 9:11-12;
Ephesians 1:15-16;
1 Timothy 4:4-5;
1 Chronicles 16:34;
Isaiah 12:4;
Colossians 3:17;
1 Thessalonians 5:18

“Thank you God, for ___.”

I love learning. For me learning will be a life long journey.  No matter how long I’ve been a follower of Jesus there are always new things I’m shown, areas I discover I desire to improve and topics I yearn to record and make sure I share with my children and their children.  Prayer is one of these precious areas.

As a child of God prayer is something that brings me much comfort,  healing and cleansing, as well as draws me into the presence of my Father, my Abba, my daddy quicker than any other discipline…well…worship music is neck and neck.  As a mother of 4 children and 2 grandchildren, with other babies in the future, I feel it’s one of my highest callings to be entrenched in the battle of intercessory prayer for them.  Something I have fallen way short in my earliest mothering years, however I am diligently striving to increase in my faithfulness.  Baby steps.

Throughout my prayer life, I’ve really practiced more what’s referred to as “popcorn” prayer.  As I journey through my daily meanderings, I’m praying and chatting with God shooting up prayers as thoughts pop into my head.  Being in continual conversation with God is extremely important.  However, I’ve never really practiced a consistent, time scheduled meeting with Him.  I don’t think this is bad, but I believe by not doing this I have missed out on being more intentional with interceding for others.  My desire is to create a special area, a private time, an intimate setting where I can encounter God, listen for His voice, be less distracted, journal my heartfelt requests and record His specific answers.

I’ve learned to pray from a vast array of many mentors.  I’ve studied many of the disciples important prayers through the books of the Bible and I’ve been collecting them under Prayers in the menu.  I’ve also studied how to pray Scripture back to God by reading books listed under Prayer on my Resources. One of the most influential books I used in the beginning is Praying God’s Word: Breaking Free from Spiritual Strongholds  by Beth Moore.

Many scattered teachings have helped shape my prayer life.  In a women’s study group called Stepping Stones, I was introduced to using the acronyms A.C.T.S. (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication) and P.R.A.Y.  (Praise, Repent, Ask, Yield.)  These have helped me remember the important aspects to include while praying to our Heavenly Father.  In 2011 at a Women’s Retreat in Zephyr Cove, I gained a couple other tools that helped deepen my prayer life.  I was introduced to a book called How to Pray  by R.A. Torrey and shown a list of the Hindrances to Prayer.  Prayer is like a life line artery to God.  Making sure to clean out all the plaque and debris within the artery that blocks the flow of blood is extremely important.  By addressing the hindrances to prayer we clear the pathway for our prayers to reach God and for God to  respond back to us.  I also received an evaluation sheet,  Prayer Life Assessment, which helped assess the health of my prayer life and gave me starting points where I could make effective changes.  Below I’m including links to some of these important teachings so that they can be downloaded to add to your tool belt and help develop a beautiful healthy prayer life.

A.C.T.S. 
P.R.A.Y. 
Hindrances to Prayer
Prayer Life Assessment 
 Prayer Full of Power & Authority

I’m grateful I have the written Word to study and mimic.  God in His infinite wisdom and pure love for our souls, inspired the Apostles to record beautiful and eloquent prayers for us, their future descendants, to read.  In order to live a life engulfed with powerful and authority filled prayers I only need to flip through the worn pages of my Bible to find words that will help me share my heart with God concerning myself or loved ones.  These prayers are void of asking for worldly, material desires, instead they are packed full of requests to move forward God’s kingdom by using faithful believers.  If you desire your prayers to reflect these influential and power packed prayers you can use each Apostolic Prayer as a model.  First read and reread the Scripture. Spend time meditating on it and marinating your entire mind in the words God used.  Afterwards, begin to pray in your own words what your heart has gleaned from God’s word. You can do this verbally or sit down with pen and paper and journal out your thoughts to say to God.  Below I’m going to include a couple examples…you can pray the Scripture back in a personal fashion for yourself or you can reword it to be prayed for others.

Let’s look at Philippians 1:9-11.  This is a prayer for God’s love to abound in our hearts resulting in discernment and righteousness in our life.

9 And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge (of God) and all discernment, 10 so that you may approve (rejoice in)the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere (no compromise) and blameless until the day of Christ; 11 having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.” — Philippians 1:9-11

To pray it personally, your prayer could look something like this:

“Father God, I ask that you fill me with Your love so that it generously flows out onto others. I pray that I will grow in knowing You more intimately each and every day.  Jesus I ask that you strengthen my discernment so I will be able to make the best choice before me and always able to recognize Your will for my life.  Help me to be authentic in my faith and strong to make no compromises so I can remain blameless and unashamed when You come.  Father fill me with the fruits of Your Spirit that come through Jesus, so that I may bring glory and praise to You in my life as I walk out life daily. I pray all this in Jesus’ precious name, Amen.

Or, if you’d like to pray it for someone else, your prayer could look something like this:

Jesus, I lay before you, (my daughter) and pray that You will fill her with Your love today in over abundance.  Father may she come to know You in a more insightful and intimate way.   Give  (my daughter)  discernment so she can make the right choice for the best pathway in her life…seeking You first and foremost before all other things.  Encourage and help her have an authentic and genuine journey with You so that she can be blameless, pure and unoffending all the days of her life.  Jesus please fill her with Your righteousness always so that the life she lives will reflect You and Your mighty, holy ways.  May she bring glory to You in all she does today.  I pray all this in Jesus’ precious name, Amen.

Now I encourage you to take a look at the other Apostolic Prayers listed under my Prayer page.  Find ones that you could pray for yourself or ones you could use as intercessory prayers for your loved ones.  Begin your journey of impacting the lives of people for God’s kingdom…we’ve been given the examples to follow all we need to do is start. May you be blessed by beginning to pray fervently for one another.

The A.C.T.S. model is a tool to help guide you into the presence of God during your personal devotional time.
A — Adoration:  proclaiming who God is and the attributes of His character
C — Confession:  calling sin by name, declaring desire to repent from it, asking God for His forgiveness
T — Thanksgiving:  offering praise, remembering the works of the Lord, prayers answered, meditation
S — Supplication:  asking God, interceeding for others and petitioning according to His will

ADORATION:

Take time to adore the Lord and to worship and acknowledge the majesty of God.  Do not ask anything.  Focus on the attributes of God and declare who He is.  Praise and adore Him for His attributes, His character, His names.  Consider praising Him alphabetically: All-Knowing, Bread of Life, Comforter, Deliverer, Everlasting Father, Faithful, Gracious, Healer, Immortal, Judge, King, Lord of lords, Merciful, Name Above all Names, Omniscient, Physician, Redeemer, Savior, Truth, Undefiled, Vine, Wonderful Counselor, Yahweh, Zealous for our love,  Give Him your praise and adoration!  Consider also praying through the Scriptures (especially Psalms) to give yourself language for your adoration.

Psalm 9:1-2 “I will praise You, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders.  I will be glad and rejoice in You; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High.”

Psalm 18:2-3a“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise.”

Psalm 46:1 ­— “God is our refuge and strength… ever-present help in times of trouble…”   Praying the Verse:  You are the abundantly available God. You are always there when I need you.

Romans 8:38 “neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers can separate me from your love.”
Praying the Verse:  You are the loving “for me” God. You are constantly by my side in every walk of life. Wherever I go, You are there waiting to show Yourself to me.

*Write a prayer of praise by adapting Psalm 145

CONFESSION:

Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the sins that you have committed . . . both things you have done that have not been pleasing to God and things God wanted you to do that you left undone.  Consider praying Scripture to begin your time of confession . . .

Psalm 139:23-24 — “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

As the Holy Spirit begins to reveal sins you’ve committed, be specific and pray to God confessing each sin by name, then declare your desire to repent (turn from) that sin, and ask for God’s forgiveness, in the Name of Jesus, your Savior.  When you repent of a specific area, ask the Lord to clothe you in the opposite virtue,  For example, confess pride – ask for humility; confess angry words spoken – ask for words that build up; confess gluttony – ask for self-control.

1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

Galatians 2:20 —  “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
Praying the Verse:  Jesus, I deny my sinful nature and ask that you would live in me.  Let my life be a living example of You, teach me to be an ambassador of Your Kingdom.

Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”  Praying the Verse:  O God, would you renew my mind. Transform my desires to match that which you desire.

Philippians 3:8 “I consider everything as loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him…”   Praying the Verse:  Father, I leave behind anything that stands in my way of loving You.  Loving You is the joy of my life, and desire You more than anything. You are the one thing I desire, O God.

*Write a prayer of contrition adapted from Daniel 9 and Psalm 51

THANKSGIVING:

Be a thankful child of God.  Some things to thank God for . . . His promises for your life found in Scripture, circumstances, miracles, experiences and adventures with God that you’ve had or have witnessed others having. You may want to begin your time of thanksgiving with reflection and meditation . . . ask the Holy Spirit to draw to your remembrance the good things God has done in every area of your life (home, work, business, family, church, school, neighborhood, friends.)  Pour out your thanksgiving to God.  Thank Him for answered prayers.  Thank Him for all the ways He has allowed you to see Him working in your midst, in and through your life and in the lives of those around you.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “. . . give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Psalm 9:1“I will give thanks to You, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonderful deeds.”

SUPPLICATION:

Ask the Lord to give you the desires of His heart . . . to align your heart desires with His.  Base your prayer request from Scripture.  By praying His word we align our heart with His.  Lay before the Lord all of your needs . . . big and small.  Ask for His provision according to His perfect will.  Ask Him to open the eyes of your heart to see the answers to each prayer so you can come back and thank Him.  Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the needs of other people that God wants you to pray for . . . sit quietly and listen for His voice.  Pray as the Holy Spirit puts people, circumstances and situations on your mind.  Remember to pause, during your prayers of supplication to listen for the Holy Spirit’s voice.  He will help you to pray in accordance with God’s will.

SPECIAL NOTE: You can use apostolic prayers, or the prayers of Jesus, to give you language for your prayers.  I’m chronicling some of these under Prayers.

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Ephesians 6:18 “. . . and pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests . . .”

Psalm 110:1 “Do not keep silent, O God of my praise!”

Ephesians 4:13 “…till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ…”

Interested in reading more on additional Prayer tools?  Visit Prayer Life Tool Belt.

DISCLAIMER: I have been the victim of this AND I have been the perpetrator, too.  I stand not in judgment, but lay prostrate in humble submission acknowledging my behavior’s ability to be so ugly at times. What a wretched tent of flesh I live in.

Sometimes my heart just breaks.

Sometimes those wounds are caused through friends.

Many times those pleading their case don’t realize they’re wielding the same sword.

One night 4 years ago, we held a party at our home.  We invited our close circle of friends that we study the Bible with and enjoy doing life together. They are our extended treasured family.

We also invited a dear friend Gertrude.  Although I love Gertrude dearly, my buttons of irritation go on high alert around her.  No matter the situation my filter interprets how she treats me, talks to me, reminds me and instructs me in a derogatory way.  I feel I’m treated like I’m 5, yet I’m rounding the corner to 50.  The words I hear in my head are “She thinks you’re stupid!” and it drives me absolutely CRAZY!  I don’t think her intention is to treat me this way, but I can’t get my mind to stop decoding our interactions this way.  Much immediate prayer in the moment is required to help me be loving to her at these times.  And many times, I fail miserably.

Have you ever met anybody that loves what they do yet their words seem to create a different picture?  I listen in perplexity to Gertrude’s story telling.  How the patrons at her volunteer job break all the rules of no food, how volunteer peers just can’t seem to follow the clothing guidelines, how players in her Sports Club are rule breakers and how frustrating it is to “police” all of this.  After attentively listening, my unloving quips begin to flow… “Why don’t you stop volunteering at your job or stop being the Rules Administrator for your Club?”  When excitedly I’m met with her exclamation, “No way! I love what I’m doing!”  I sit and scratch my head trying to understand how someone can love something so much yet focus on only the bad and appear to hate every moment. Interesting.  Peculiar.  The behavior is the exact opposite of what Scripture says in
Philippians 4:8:

“…whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.”

And yes, I realize at this very moment, I’m guilty of doing the exact same thing.  I love my friend Gertrude dearly and yet my focus in these first few paragraphs is on revealing only the blemishes she wears…is it okay if I’m only speaking of it in order to illustrate how God taught me through it?  I’m not sure…because He asks me to focus on the good and give Him everything else. Hhm.

Despite these behaviors, I love her.  I try hard to accept and understand this about Gerty and this remains to be one of my biggest struggles.  I must admit, I did this much better when I was younger.  As I get older I wrestle more and more with overlooking these flaws and loving her well like God instructs me to do.  Eliminating my sarcastic remarks and responses filled with irritation and intentionally loving this dear widow He’s placed in my life.  In an effort to overcome this ugliness in myself, I’ve found it imperative to acknowledge that with these blemishes come many things that are right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.  Gerty goes above and beyond to help you out, is generous when someone is in need, runs all over the mountainside to find what you’ve asked for, functions like a workhorse at the age of 79, adores her grandchildren and great grandchildren, and loves to serve in order to make a difference in your life.  Gerty will cook, clean, wash laundry, take care of animals, you name it she will do it because she LOVES YOU! She’s a servant at heart.  I have no doubt when she stands before Jesus that she will hear “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

Unfortunately, all this good quickly gets overlooked because many people focus on her flaws.  They get drained by her innate ability to focus on and speak of the difficulties.  Some are wounded by her comments and don’t unconditionally love her well.  I get this response because often times I have found myself sitting in this same bed of ruffled feathers.  Like I said, without Jesus and His power I would fail all the time.

After our party I was confronted by a friend with a wound that had been inflicted by Gerty.  Late one night Julie called saying she wanted to chat. Ugh…by her voice I knew the topic couldn’t be good.  I realized a few seconds into our conversation that she had been emotionally hurt by my dear friend Gerty and wanted to talk to me about her.

Apparently Gerty had expressed her extreme dislike, probably more like hatred, for our new Worship Arts leader.  Gerty was busy tearing him down and saying how horrible a music leader he was.  Stating they had brought this Rock-n-Roller in to our church and he was terrible.  Basically, Gerty had nothing nice to say.  Gertrude is a traditional Baptist who believes Christian hymns are the only way to worship God. Our new modern and very LOUD music with electric guitars and drums is not worship music.  The absence of piano and organs categorizes it as obnoxious noise that hurts her ears.  In contrast, Julie, as well as I, adore this worship leader.  Julie loves how he brings her into the presence of our Mighty God.  She sees him as very gifted and a blessing to our church. Julie’s heart connects to all the songs he fashions for our service. Consequently, her heart was ripped apart by listening to how Gerty was tearing him down.  Agreed.  I understand completely.

Julie proceeded to tell me that what Gerty did was extremely hurtful by tearing down a person she deeply loved.  A person Julie admired.  A person Julie had grown to view as family.  And, Julie was left feeling at a loss and didn’t know quite what to do.

Not knowing what Julie desired to accomplish through our conversation, I apologized for Gerty.  I said I understood how she felt, I’ve felt the same many times before, but what I’ve found over time is I must focus on the goodness of her heart and understand Gerty doesn’t mean to cause harm.  Understanding that this learned communication style to speak about the difficulties is something Gerty has done her entire life.  She’s set in her ways.  Oh don’t think for a minute I’ve mastered this…my husband is the first one to gently remind me GRACE, Denise extend Grace and Mercy.

I apologized again for the pain it caused Julie.  I think Julie just needed to process her encounter with someone safe in order to obtain understanding.  But I was at a loss for how to proceed.  I didn’t know if Julie had any specific desired outcome or if she just needed to be heard and share her burden.  I encouraged her to speak with Gerty and share how this encounter had hurt Julie’s feelings. But Julie did not want to do that.  I stated that I can’t really “dis-invite” Gerty to my gatherings, but that Julie and her family could choose to not come in the future if it would be too uncomfortable…but I hoped that she would try to understand Gerty, have compassion for Gerty despite her behavior, and see her with God’s eyes.

There was so much else I wanted to say, but I felt it was merely going to inflict more pain…

Like maybe practice what Jesus says in Matthew 18:15-17:

15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.

I know if Gerty was approached in love, in private and heard how she’d hurt Julie’s feelings, Gerty’s heart would have been broken and she would have apologized.  Devastation would have occurred.  Gerty means no harm, she just has no internal monologue filter anymore.  I’ve determined as we age beyond our 60’s, we begin reverting to toddler ages and start doing and saying whatever we want without a thought or care in the world.  Remember when your kids or nieces/nephews would blurt out embarrassing comments at 3-5 years old and you were MORTIFIED…yeah, just like that!  I’ve already begun apologizing to my kids…saying I’m fairly certain I’m going to do these absurd things and I’M SORRY!!!

And, the lesson begins.  Unfortunately instead of privately sharing with  Gerty how what she said was hurtful, Julie chose to complain to me about what happened…in essence, gossip to a dear friend of the perpetrator.  And the pain was perpetuated. Ugh.  As humans we get it so wrong majority of the time.  Father forgive me when I have done this…I’m sure I’ve done it without realizing.

Once I hung up the phone, tears gently slid down my face.  Speaking to my husband as I lay in bed, I shared what just transpired on the phone.  I wept because although I get frustrated with Gerty, I want others to love her.  I want them to understand her. I want them to have compassion for her.  I want them to overlook her flaws and deeply treasure her.

What Julie was so angry and hurt about, the issue that had prompted her to call me…Gerty tearing down our highly esteemed worship arts leader who she loved…was exactly what Julie was now guilty of doing to me in regards to Gerty.  In a moment, in a turn of a dime, in a flash of lightening, and in a blink of an eye Julies’ complaint morphed into what she was complaining about.  One of my dearest friends was complaining about a woman deeply loved by me, admired by our family, treasured beyond all treasures and truly family to us.  Julie was speaking ill of my Gerty, saying what a horrible Christian she was, tearing her down and judging Gerty on her poor behavior.  Julie became guilty of the same behavior she called to complain about.  How’s that for irony.

Why is it my heart is so ripe for teaching when I encounter pain?  This moment taught me to be very careful not to wield the same sword.  Many times we judge others in areas that we fall so vastly short.  Sometimes we encounter painful situations or sandpaper people because God is placing a mirror up in front of us so we can see ourselves and how our interactions touch others.  Be mindful of your ways, be compassionate, show mercy and above all else LOVE.  Love covers a multitude of sins.

In hindsight, one thing I will do differently next time is offer to pray with the hurt individual.  Why did I neglect this opportunity?  Seeking God’s healing during a painful encounter is the only way to find peace.  He is the only One who can reveal why things happen the way they do and provide sustaining relief, redeem the situation and restore relationships back to wholeness.  Always a work in progress!

Remember, that when we think or say harsh things about ourselves, our loved ones, our neighbors, and even our enemies…God’s heart is broken in a similar fashion.  He adores each and everyone of us! He created us in His image.  Despite our blemishes and flaws He adores us!  He looks beyond our brokenness.  He is long-suffering, gracious, merciful and faithful and chooses to focus on and help us to become the beautiful Masterpiece He created us to be.

As I was floating through this quiet period, I didn’t realize the storm that was brewing. We were heading directly into a battle for our lives and our children’s lives…this time I call our Job experience. Our finances were cut down to 30% of our normal income; we lost our cars; we lost our home after 20+ years of owning; we struggled to hold onto a business which eventually we lost; metaphorically we lost our kids as they went through intense trials and warfare of their own: suicide attempt, homosexuality, drug using, stealing, arresting, NAB (Neighborhood Accountability Board) interventions, court appearances; we encountered  marital conflicts over how to deal with issues. There was division in every relationship possible and simultaneously our health was attacked. I was exhausted! I wanted out! This is not what I signed up for! I loved God, read His word, fed His sheep, tried my best to follow Jesus’ ways and yet my life was filled with chaos…wasn’t life supposed to be smooth?

You see God had encouraged me earlier to read Job on my own. So I did. I studied it diligently. Picked it apart. Immersed myself in it. Not knowing what lay ahead in our future. So when I found myself here, I was determined to Praise God through the bad like Job did. It was if God said,

“Denise this is in your future, I’m preparing you, remember to praise me. You can do this. Understand that Satan has requested a time to sift you and I have approved it and I know you will rise to the challenge. Remember, I’ve only given him permission to go so far.”

During this time I worked hard to stay positive, sometimes I soared on eagles wings, while other times I was pulled through the quagmire of mud just trying to hold on to the edge of Jesus’ robe. I wrestled with trust issues with God and searched for His fingerprints in every episode. I continue to mourn over the many losses and grapple with understanding why He felt I could walk His children through these times graciously with unconditional love in the midst of all the judgment and stares. I don’t get His ways, I don’t like that it isn’t wrapped in a perfect beautiful box with a gorgeous bow…you know the elegant box that all are envious of. But I know in my heart that His way is better than the painting I have created…I just need to trust Him more. He has shown me that I am a prodigal. I understand prodigals and He knows exactly what He is doing by giving my children me as a mother. I am a prodigal raising prodigals. I understand them and I will love them despite of all their broken areas. It’s taken a while to get here, but He’s grown my faith immensely during these last 7 years.

After two years of hiding and many attempts to bring me back, I finally accepted a dear friend’s invitation to a Daniel study. The first 3 weeks of the study, He fanned into flame a renewed energy. He once again immersed me into doing two studies. He divinely placed two books out of nowhere to read simultaneously—all 4 intertwined with some aspect of warfare. In His ways, He’s awakened me to the spiritual warfare that has been always present in my life from the time I was little. He’s busy making connections, showing me ways to fight, and surrounding and bombarding me in all directions on this topic of warfare. He’s been placing one verse on my heart repeatedly. Matthew 7:5 “…first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” But what He says to me is “first Denise learn how to fight My way successfully, and then you can help others do the same.” I don’t know what He has planned, but He has physically opened my eyes and everywhere I look I see brokenness, I see spiritual warfare, and I see wounded people unaware of how to fight this invisible foe that is very much present and what steps to take.

I’m so grateful that He’s allowed me to see His activity in my life. Although it’s not usually at that moment, He eventually weaves a thread throughout that helps pull everything into perspective. I’ve realized that He uses a lot of “dual referencing” in my life. Most times it’s not something I’m aware of as a “foreseeing as to what’s down the road” but rather I notice it in an after the fact “oh, that’s why He had me do that study in order to prepare me for this stretch of my journey.” In past experiences, He uses these references to explain through a biblical story why something happened in my life, connecting the dots and bringing everything full circle. Through my life experience He brings those 2 dimensional Bible characters into a real life 3D play with current day participants… my loved ones, enemies and me. I’ve come to understand and accept that I won’t just learn the principles behind the bible stories by merely reading them. God knows I learn best when He allows me to walk them out through a personal experience so that His lessons will be permanently tattooed onto my heart. Amazingly that’s what allows God’s glory to shine brightest because by doing this I can fully understand, gain compassion, drop all judgments, and become a high priest to a wounded soul during their journey that resembles mine. That’s how He brings beauty from our ashes, brings good from our pain, heals the wounds of the afflicted and helps release the captive from their prison.

This brief segment in our journey has not been easy at all. But when someone is training to run a successful race there must be a ton of conditioning and strenuous workouts to build stamina, endurance, and strong muscles. Trust is like a muscle… as God gives me opportunities to exercise my trust in Him, my faith get’s stronger and I’m able to persevere. I’m so grateful for all that He has done, all that He is doing, and eagerly anticipating all that He will do in my life.  Look for His fingerprints in your life because He encourages you through them!

*Return to Faithfulness of God