Tag: Character

Judgment Chisled Away

Posted on by DSilvan

A dear friend, Shelly, asked me if I’d brainstorm with her about the S.H.A.P.E. workshop she was leading. This class is based off the book written by Erik Rees, “S.H.A.P.E.: Finding and Fulfilling Your Unique Purpose for Life.”   I was excited. In February 2015, I took this workshop and God helped me understand so much more about how He wired me. All of sudden I could embrace parts of me that had always baffled and confused me or made me feel inferior to others. He dialed into sharper focus how He’d been shaping me. I began to see with a different perspective why quite possibly I’d been allowed to walk through many difficult times in such rapid succession. In this workshop God redefined in my mind what teaching could look like for an introvert . . . one who is more comfortable behind a monitor screen rather than on a stage in front of many people. Enthusiastically I shared that it would be amazing if Shelly had someone share their testimony in the “Experience” part of the workshop. Illustrating how God had pulled together their Spiritual gifts, Heart/passion, Abilities, Personality, and Experiences to make an impact because that’s exactly what God had begun to do for me — it was life giving. Shelly thought it was a great idea! However, I didn’t realize that I had already been the unnamed friend she shared in the workshop previously. Now my life would become the visual aid through my lips . . . not high on an introvert’s bucket list.

I prayed about this opportunity. I wrestled with my fear about being authentic and open in a public forum. Writing and sharing behind the protection of a computer screen fits more in my wheel house for a shy introvert.  Standing in front of 75 people speaking to them with all their eyes intently focused on me was NOT high on my radar. Then, I encountered a personal attack on my newly established battlefield. I quickly wanted to retreat…I reevaluated whether I should accept this challenge . . . what good could come from me laying my heart bare and opening myself up for wounds. God gently walked in, helped me humble my heart to the offender and encouraged me to be Bold and Courageous, to be True to who He had created me to be, and to seek to please Him and only Him not man. I accepted. Here is what God taught me through my journey in unwrapping my SHAPE:

On the outside, I was a nice, helpful, good person.  I am a recovering perfectionist who looked the part of a “good” Christian: going to church, reading my bible, praying, serving, and teaching my children God’s ways.  However, in the darkest crevices of my heart I was judgmental. Very judgmental.  I didn’t understand people who wrestled with adultery, homosexuality, stealing, drug addiction, pornography, murder and more.  One area I was especially good at was judging parents. It was obvious why their children struggled and faced dire consequences: they didn’t spend time with them, show them love,  be a stay at home parent, and raise them in the church to know and follow Jesus?  If they had done these things, or a majority of them, it would be a different story.  I believed that nurture beat out nature all the time.  I believed that the closer I followed Jesus the smoother my life would be.

Are you angry yet? Are you laughing? I hope you’re praying for me to understand God more fully and love more unconditionally because I haven’t arrived and I still need His help every day. I hope you realize, all that I just spoke about in the previous paragraph are LIES. They were symptoms from viewing everything though imperfect lenses. Frankly, I find it repulsive now. But then, that’s what made me feel I had life figured out. I could judge everyone on everything I had no struggles with while ignoring ALL the areas I fell so profoundly in.

Although sharing my life in this tattered and marred package is difficult, it illustrates how God’s grace and the Holy Spirit’s power have been transforming me into a different person today.  By standing back and recognizing where He’s brought me, I’m given great hope for where He’s taking me.

At Lakeside Church, I began an intense 4-year Bible study journey where I was in 4 different study groups simultaneously year round.  God was going to transform and renew my thinking . . . He was busy replenishing and restoring what the locusts had eaten, changing what the world had warped within me and annihilating my flesh by putting to death the “old me” and creating the “new me.”  In hindsight I see how my abilities, passions, and spiritual gifts were intertwining.  As a child I loved to study.  It energized me.  I LOVED. LEARNING. Combine that with my gifts of knowledge, wisdom, prophecy and teaching and I understood now why I was wired this way.  I couldn’t know enough or learn enough.  I researched endlessly to understand His Word.  Then, I wanted to run out and share all that God had poured into me.

However, after learning so much I was confused why I didn’t love others well because God is Love?  It was around this time when I was prompted to pray a prayer for God to “Break my heart for what breaks His” by Richard Stearns who wrote The Whole in Our Gospel. I don’t recommend this unless you are ready for LIFE-CHANGING experiences. Because God brings it when we pray like this! Many experiences that broke His heart began emerging and they broke my heart, as well.

Looking back through Jesus’ expedited training program, a few studies stood out that had really impacted me and those combined with my experiences produced a wealth of wisdom. Much of what I read in His Word was solidified by what He taught me as I walked each trial out with Him.

Hebrews taught me of faith, but most importantly how God disciplines His children.  We can take comfort from knowing that discipline is proof that we are legitimate children of God.  Even though it’s unpleasant at the time, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace if we’re trained by it.  Then 1 Peter talked of suffering and understanding there will come a time when we face a fiery ordeal that seems strange, but remember to rejoice that we participate in Christ’s sufferings.  Finally the biggest was when the Spirit encouraged me to study Job on my own.  God taught me that sometimes trials come that can’t be explained, but understand that nothing has come to us that hasn’t been filtered through His fingers first.  God wasn’t surprised by what our future held.  In fact He’d allowed it for a divine purpose. All the studying I did created a firm foundation for me to stand on when the storms came. The wealth of wisdom that He gave me through these trials can be shared to strengthen others when they face similar battles.

Our Job experience began shortly after I read all Job penned in the Bible. My husband was a full commission salesman and when the economy plummeted in 2011 so did our finances.  We began making 30% of our normal income.  Eventually our home was foreclosed.  We lost a car.  We lost a business we’d started.  Our children floundered from the drastic changes in our lifestyle.  We entered various trials due to bad choices they resorted to in order to cope.  And we came face to face with some of their fleshly battles that were suddenly revealed.  Then my husband’s and my health came under attack. My husband developed Bells Palsy and his face remains paralyzed and I lost hearing in my right ear for no known reason, lost my sense of smell and developed stomach issues that doctors could not explain.  Eventually our marriage began to suffer.  Everything that had been good seemed to be spiraling out of control.  God reminded me that Satan had challenged my faith.  Was I only going to love God because of all the conveniences, beautiful, and comfortable things He’d given me?  It’s easy to love God when life is good.  I sensed the Spirit reassuring me that we had been given over for a time of sifting, a time of discipline, a time of purifying.  God knew we would stand steadfast and proclaim our love for Him in the midst of the bad.  He was on a mission to prove to Satan and those watching us that our faith is genuine, more precious than gold or any earthly thing.   Waiting for the storm to pass, God surrounded me with multiple books on spiritual warfare and I began studying again.  Learning how to fight the battle that I felt untrained to fight.

Another part of my purpose began to emerge. I was being trained to see our spiritual battle and how to stand against the enemy that we cannot see, but most assuredly lurks around seeking to devour us.

When I wrote this for the SHAPE workshop we had been on our journey of healing and restoration for 3.5 years.  God walked through the fire and raging waters with us and now He’s bringing beauty from the ashes.  Now . . . 7 years past this extremely difficult season in our life, God HAS RESTORED! We have purchased a new home something we struggled to believe we would ever be able to do again. We bought a new car, too (well, “new” to us ~ used is the only way to go.)  Our kids are for the most part on the other side of life-changing choices. God told me in Job that He WOULD restore doubly what was taken. He gave me HOPE to hold on to. I clung to that though many told me I was foolish to believe that as a promise. They would say our replenishment would most likely be in heaven. I chose to ponder on the word I felt God spoke into my heart while taking this journey. He’s been faithful to all He told me. What others miss when I say God told me He’d “restore doubly”, is that I don’t view this as necessarily a monetary promise.

Throughout this journey God has changed our perspective on the “American Dream.” Having a house to live in that doesn’t overwhelm us in debt, enjoying our children overcoming their struggles and blossoming, changing our perspectives on what is truly important, being freed from the captivity of worrying about what others think or say about you or your family is being restored doubly. We have more than money could ever buy. For this I am grateful.

All these life experiences have taught me to love unconditionally better and judgment was brutally chiseled away.  My heart breaks for parents when their children make poor choices because I’ve worn that shame and heard the judgmental whispers despite doing everything right, or at least trying my best at the time.

In truth, these moments taught me how what I do as a child of God does reflect poorly on my Father to those who do not know Him. But my bad choices don’t define who God is, they actually reveal where I am in relation to Him (far or close to Him.)  What breaks my Heavenly Father’s heart is seeing the lies I’m choosing to believe about myself, me getting caught in the lies of the world and getting lost, and not embracing how much He loves me . . . I understand all this now for He let my heart get broken as a parent.

I no longer want to be like Job’s friends anymore, judging and assuming why something is happening when only God knows because I’ve experienced that pain from the murderous whispers spoken in ear shot.

I lean towards the “nature” side. Whether the ugly blemishes are hidden within our heart or worn on the outside for everyone to see, it’s all brokenness. It’s in our nature.

The depressions, anxiety and fear I was allowed to battle and endure gives me deep compassion for those with similar stories.

How I view prisoners or drug addicts has taken a 180-degree turn.  Because of the work God has done in my heart, I find myself loving the outcasts, the lost, the wounded, those that the world has given up on and calls losers or zeros.  This was never part of my character before, but our God works miracles!  He loves a ragamuffin like me and He never gives up!

He’s been molding my heart to fit the purpose he designed me for.  My heart beats to know our amazing God better, to teach others about His unending faithfulness, to help others to be strong in their faith during trials and to equip others to stand firm against the spiritual battles we face.  God’s plan to teach this child His ways was not an easy one, but the beauty God has brought from it makes it all worth while.  We serve a great and mighty God.

I’m hoping after meandering through my story you were able to see how God intertwines our S.H.A.P.E. (our spiritual gifts, our heart and passion, our abilities, our personality and our experiences) to create a purpose for us to bring glory to His name. Our purpose isn’t supposed to look like anyone else because He has created us uniquely and specifically for His purpose

God loves us where we are. He doesn’t call us to clean up our act before we come to Him. He loves us, period. He also loves us enough to not leave us in our brokenness. But we don’t need to be afraid or intimidated by how we are going to clean ourselves up…we don’t change us. He’s the one who is on the mission to purify us from the inside out. He is the one who is working strategically behind the scenes to help our hearts line up with our outward actions. Our helper, our advocate, our trainer is His spirit within us…He walks with us, transforms us, reminds us, encourages us, and empowers us to live a different way.

After years of struggling to BE who God wanted I had learned to look the part on the outside to keep up external appearances, to be a great Pharisee of today. While my tattered heart in all it’s ugliness was hidden away. God was after my heart. The heart is where it starts.

Help Me Be Willing

Posted on by DSilvan

 

Whispers from our Father always help heal your soul, hoping this helps someone else make sense of their difficult day(s) . . .

Following and attempting to do what Jesus would do is excruciating at times. When every fiber in your body desires to do the exact opposite… grateful for His Spirit, His prompting, His reminding, His encouragement, His comfort, His words of understanding.

We humans can be so perplexing! I find it interesting how we are the same today as 2000+ years ago. I’ve been reminded throughout the previous days and awakened at night with thoughts of Judas Iscariot. What an interesting bird. He walked with Jesus. He was taught by Jesus. He was a close friend with Jesus. Jesus built Judas up and encouraged him as He discipled him. Jesus loved Judas. Jesus washed his feet. Jesus fed him bread on His last night alive…and…then Jesus told Judas “What you are about to do, do quickly.” He encouraged Him to do what was going to hurt Him…kill Him. Then, Judas ran to betray Jesus.

Jesus understands betrayal after doing everything possible…After going above and beyond…After providing His best for others, He was still KISSED and BETRAYED. There was no wrestle with loyalty because Judas’ enemy (Satan) had entered into Judas’ area of weakness, tempted him to fall to his lust for money (believing the lie for better things) and after all was said and done Judas was left with living with his choices and dealing with the consequences.

However, Jesus chose to LOVE him. He knew Judas’ heart was set and focused on betrayal and He chose to act in LOVE, anyways. He treated Judas the same as His loyal disciples…He loved His enemy. Wait…what?! Jesus accepted God’s will and welcomed it. Uhm… WOW. Right?! That’s why Jesus climbed on the cross for us…that’s why He is AWE-mazing, jaw dropping, knee weakening and worship worthy!

I’m reminded of how far I fall short…for in my flesh every ounce of me struggles with being willing to love in the midst of being hurt and of watching a loved one being betrayed. Lord help me be willing, help me chose to love, reveal yourself more within me so everyone will see less of me and see more of Your radiant image. For the good you see is not of me…it’s all of Him. Thank you Jesus for your overwhelming example, for your gentle encouragement to hand the pain over and lean into the power You provide to live like You…second by second, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, year by year.

You see Satan intended to steal, kill and destroy Jesus by using Judas to betray Him thereby setting Him up to be killed. However, this was God’s chosen vehicle to use. He knew by allowing this to happen that what Satan intended for harm would be transformed into the saving and healing of people, and the unleashing of great power upon an entire world. The thief might have appeared to have won in that brief moment on the cross, but he lost horrifically for all eternity the moment Jesus gasped His last breath.

Trusting God to bring abundant good and blessings from what Satan intends to use for harm.

Faithfully His!

Practice What You Preach

Posted on by DSilvan

September 25, 2014

Yesterday God stirred my heart to encourage a dear friend. At times, He will grab my heart and in empathy I feel the pain a person is experiencing. Then, He will place a timely devotional or scripture and immediately stir my heart to pour out His Word of encouragement.  In an act of obedience, I responded with a heartfelt exhortation to my dear friend whom I met only briefly for a time in a Precept Bible study I was leading 7+ years ago. I reached out to her to share the devotion along with the words God placed in my heart. Awkwardly I posted it for all to see on FB. Yes, I do this all the time. Not on purpose. I still don’t always get how to do things privately before I push a button. But afterwards when I realize what I’ve done, I figure God’s words are powerful and nothing ever happens without a reason, so I’m counting on it helping others when they see such a beautiful side of a Faithful God we serve. Hoping my friend won’t be saying “Denise what on earth are you doing making this public?” (Before this was completed, another friend commented on that posting stating that she needed to hear everything that was said and let it SOAK in! Even in our awkward mistakes God uses it for His glory! Loving His Ways Always.)

After posting the note, I didn’t think much about it…except “Please God let those words be Your Words and may they do the work You intended.” Held within my ramblings, I mentioned I find it so much easier to believe God’s power, promises, and mighty work for others and that I struggle with claiming it at moments for myself. This morning in reflection, I should have known what my morning would look like after standing in the gap for a friend…fighting for them against the darkness. I’ve walked 26 years with God, sometimes wandering slightly further away then I should and extremely close at other times. This intimate time with Him is long enough to understand how He works in my life…however, occasionally I need a little reminding.

God, being amazing and ever so concerned with our character, is working hard on me to “Practice what I Preach.” This isn’t new. I’ve been here before. This is one of the reasons I work so hard not to judge others (anymore) because inevitably what I judge others on ends up in my lap for me to understand what it’s like to walk in that person’s shoes. I’ve been allowed to experience what breaks God’s heart by many “hands on” lessons. I don’t get to read about it. It’s not from a story in the Bible. I don’t get to watch someone else learn it…He desires me to FEEL IT. I get to live it out in front of the world while God lovingly connects the dots to various Bible stories quietly in my head…I get to trudge through the muck and yuck so I can then understand fully the pain, anguish, turmoil, and judgmental stares that a person encounters. I get to listen to the silent whispers loud enough to hear, experience crying out to a mighty God behind closed doors in the dark of the night, and seek friends to intercede on our behalf because we are at a loss with no strength to stand. However, faithfully in these times, He has been forging an unshakeable faith…I haven’t “arrived” by any means. But, I’m so much further along then I was before all of the trials I’ve traversed with Him by my side. He has been creating opportunities for me to “Practice what I Preach” to others during their times of struggle. And He gently reminds me to read and REREAD the words I’ve written for someone else and BELIEVE them for myself. WOW He is an amazing Father. Patient. Kind. Gentle. But, ever teaching!

So, here’s the fun! When you stand in the gap for another when under attack, understand that the prince of this earth will be coming to distract, divide, discourage, and destroy you next. We were struggling to make ends meet this month…questioning how will we make it to the next check. When amazingly, God had the State place some unexpected funds they owe us in our account in the amount we would need to slide by. Relaxed. Relieved. Elated God answered. We woke up the next morning only to find that there was merely $2 in our account. Someone had just STOLEN the funds the State placed in our account. After a morning of dealing with the fraud department we were comforted to know we would receive the money back IN 5-7 DAYS! Well, I giggled. God hadn’t placed that in our account for us. He intended it always to go to the thief because He knew he was coming. The reason I giggled is because I was reminded in my head silently that I should willingly give the thief my coat too…and it was raining outside. How fortuitous. Normally, you wouldn’t be so “joyful” or “giggly” at this time, but I believe God was helping me trust Him. He could put more money in there…don’t worry. In another hour another warrior for God flew in to float us for the week until our money was given back. However, our morning didn’t stop there. In 40 minutes, Bill called and the first words were “we are okay.” What?! He said, “we’ve just been rear ended but nothing happened to the car and we are both fine.” I thought…really? I didn’t say it…I just thought it! The rest of the day went uneventfully. Thank you Jesus! As Bill and Cherise were leaving for travel ball practice, I stopped them and said “Please Be Safe!”… “Satan is on the prowl.” I had already begun to have feelings we were under attack because I had stood in the gap and fought for a friend. I had feelings he was actively seeking to discourage me from speaking life into her, to destroy my faith in a mighty God, to teach me to mind my own business and leave his alone! And…10 minutes later, Cherise called me and I knew something was wrong. She handed the phone to her dad and he said, “We Are OK!”…”However, I will need you to come pick Cherise up and drive her to practice. Our front right wheel just fell off the car and we are stuck in the middle of an intersection.” Three major circumstances in a matter of 24 hours after interceding for a sister in Christ…I don’t believe in “coincidences” our life was/is under attack. I turned off dinner, grabbed my purse and hurried to the scene. Cherise was a little shaken and it was extremely odd to look at your car with the wheel just OFF the car. BUT, God protected them and I’m ever so grateful!

I’ve been given the opportunity to “Practice What I Preach.” I pulled up those words of encouragement that God poured into my heart and out through my fingers for my dear friend and I REREAD them MULTIPLE TIMES today. God is challenging me to remember them for myself, too. And He’s been encouraging me by constantly reminding me…HE IS STILL IN CHARGE!

PLEASE…don’t forget…

“His BELIEF IN YOU is mighty, He selected you for the challenge you face, He allowed this to be placed in your journey because He KNOWS YOUR SPIRIT intimately! He knows that You are His faithful servant and that no matter what Satan throws at you, you will be TRIUMPHANT! He knows that you will be VICTORIOUS! You are His VALIANT WARRIOR!…Stay strong my friend. Rest in Him. Practice trusting Him even more than you have before. And know I will be crying out to our Lord for you. I will be standing at the gates of heaven pleading for God’s quick intercession.

Thank you Jesus for being our Advocate in Heaven, for interceding for us at all times, for praying for us before we even know we need it. How people traverse through this life without You as a companion is befuddling to me. I can only stand because I know You are at my right hand and are my ROCK…sometimes I can only do it because You carry me like a Shepherd carries His wounded lamb around His neck. Thank you for always always always being there for me. May our children learn through these hard times how to lean on You, how to trust You, how to let worry fall away and believe in Your truths, promises, love, and power for themselves. In our Savior’s precious name Jesus, Amen.

Hairy Reflections

Posted on by DSilvan

December 22, 2011

Some of the hardest areas for me to handle are dealing with people. I watch my husband who has the gift of “GAB”… the gift of “Gabbing About Baloney” it’s like he never meets a stranger. I don’t understand this ability at all for it seems soooo foreign to me.  Ask me to do Algebra, Calculus, Differential Equations, Physics, Chemistry or anything logical with a process to follow and I GET that! But socializing, where it’s not necessarily planned, doesn’t follow a pattern and it’s essential to be free flowing and fluid….uhmmmm not. For the most part, I struggle at making small talk without it instantly becoming uncomfortable…when there are moments of dead silence frantically searching for what should I say now. I don’t know about you, but I go through life trying to make sense out of who I am, why I am, what I am, how I look to others, and where I go now that I know. Many a times, I don’t understand myself that well. This time being one and then, in walks God to faithfully provided a canvas to draw me a picture explaining it detail by detail. He Rocks! Most of the times it hurts, but He’s always there to craddle me in the aftermath. Reassuring me that He knew this about me even before He created me.

The painting consists of the Silvan household where we have been blessed to raise many animals. Over our 24 years together, we’ve owned a horse, Terrier mix, Cocker Spaniel, 2 Labradors, 2 Jack Russells, Chihuahua, Havanese, 5 cats, 4 birds, 3 Guinea Pigs and a tank full of fish…not all at once of course. Currently we have a Jack Russel (Skip), a Chihuahua (Romeo), a Havanese (Bella), 2 cats (Chloe and Tinkerbell) and a Guinea Pig (Lilly). For the most part the painting is normal, but these animals have their own quirks just like we humans do…which I find very intriguing.

In trying to deal with some of these annoying quirks, my youngest daughter and I became fans of Cesaer Milan. One of his favorite sayings is “You don’t always get the dog you want, you get the dog you need.” When faced with a challenge twenty+ years ago, my grandfather would say to me “be patient Denise, God is trying to teach you something.” Cesaer’s quote made me question what God was trying to teach me through my dogs. I know I’m whacked out of my head, right? But listen, I find this truly amazing, funny and eye opening and hopefully you will see how God teaches us through everything and everyone we encounter in our life. He can teach us about ourselves or how to relate to others…He’s so amazing and multifaceted.He can show you ugliness within yourself that He would like evicted, while at the same time showing you how to relate to others that struggle with the same issues you have. I love Him for the ability to teach ALL in multiple areas all at the same time ~ His Omnipotence at work!

Being an insatiable “loveaholic,” it’s important that my dogs be very loving because I NEED love. Yes, it’s true I’m high maintenance. The Jack Russell we had at the time was great, but he was way too bouncy for me, too hyper, too “tiggeresk” if you will. His energy did not calm my spirit, it wound me up tighter than I was at the start.  My youngest of four was going into preschool and after four I wasn’t contemplating having any more kiddos, so I decided another dog would help fill the void I had now that she was in school. On February 14, 2003, our Chihuahua, Romeo was adopted into our family.  Oh was he a cuddle bug! He clung to me, followed me around and just seemed to be a perfect fit.

However as he grew, mingled amongst the moments when Romeo was very loving were times when he was domineering, over protective, aggressive, snappy and very unpredictable. This made it so hard to love him. My heart was broken because this wasn’t the dog I wanted. We tried all Cesaer’s techniques and clearly I’m lacking Cesaer’s gift…I’m apparently a weak pack leader.  Cesaer’s quote “You don’t always get the dog you want, you get the dog you need” rang so loudly in my ears over and over and over.

One day sitting in my family room staring out our patio door windows at my pink flowered plum tree, I was watching our two dogs side by side outside peering in at me.  Skipper was bouncing none stop up and down, up and down, up and down at the windows, while Romeo was timidly standing there with a look of scared longing eyes desiring to come in yet so very unsure what awaited his entrance.  Two opposites existing together desiring the same things, love and attention, but both going about it in two different ways. All of a sudden it was as if God reached down and spoke directly into my soul, not with audible words, but with instant understanding…”they mirror you and Bill.” What?! And I kid you not, it was like instantaneously connections were made to all their characteristics and our human behaviors…it seemed like no time elapsed between this understanding, but rather it just was placed there immediately. Peculiar, yet not so weird because that’s God, right?!

Skipper embodied Bill’s personality. He was the happy go lucky, never met a stranger, wants to love all over you…and…from the time his feet hit the floor in the morning he’s running, chipper, bouncy, hyper and happy. Ugghhh. Is that how you’re supposed to be in the morning? I don’t get it, I don’t resemble that at all. Bill’s high energy and adrenaline addicted soul in business mode can wind me up, agitate me instantly and give me anxiety attack at any moment.

Now Romeo on the other hand wants love so bad, but is so scared of everything. He longs to be played with, loved and given attention, but is a very sensitive soul that doesn’t trust very much, is very insecure and can change his mood instantly. He growls and snips to ward off intrusion in an effort to protect himself. Sadly, all he really wants is to be close, but he just doesn’t understand how to interact. He’s a very sweet dog that’s trapped in a very sensitive, insecure, untrusting body. Bless his little heart…I understand him so well for he mirrors me!

When God revealed this imagery to me, He helped me view myself the way others see me (but yet don’t understand me.) He showed me how others are affected by my behavior and how that makes Him feel when He sees me behave that way. At the same time He helped me understand how to relate to Romeo on a different level and to begin to love him in spite of all his flaws. Because Romeo is like this, he doesn’t have many friends because they don’t know if they can trust him not to bite them…so they keep their distance. Unfortunately, his untrusting nature is reflected back to him. That’s not what he desires, but it’s what his responses have trained others to do.  I don’t know if Romeo will ever change, if he will ever become secure and strong, feeling safe to let others in. But my hope is that he will ~ he turned 9 December 15 and is still blessing us with his little spirited self…so, there’s still hope. And there is still hope for me that having been shown this, God will help transform these areas in my life that I find similar to Romeo’s brokenness and breathe a fresh new existence to live out what He tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7…for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. In His strength I will overcome.

Through hairy reflections God not only taught me about myself, but also showed me how I need to work hard to love the “unlovable.” Not only does my little Romeo resemble me in many areas, but he also represents those that we refer to as “sandpaper” people that seem so unlovable.  Romeo reminds me how important it is to have compassion, mercy and understanding for the unlovables just like God has for me…even they just want to be loved. Oh and I know, just by knowing this doesn’t make it easy…in fact I believe it’s a tough lesson to live out and one that can only be done through prayer, submission and total focus on Jesus. Romeo, family, close friends and many aquaintances are refining tools that I’m repeatedly challenged with on how to love the “unlovable”…as am I for those that encounter me at my most unlovable and unpredictable moments.

We’re all born with the desire to be loved, we were created to be in relationship with others….some of us just aren’t as good at it as others. I’ve become an avid observer of those that do this well, trying to learn this foreign art. Most frequently I stand in awe and envy those that this comes easy to because it is like rocket science to me…I don’t always get it!

Some of the hardest lessons I’ve learned are when God takes the simple in my life and shows me how it relates to me and my surroundings. I love that He knows I need visual teaching…He so knows His child. After all He created me, right? Don’t forget to look for those “hairy reflections that are hard to swallow” and be open to what God wants to teach you about yourself and others. Be prepared, you can see these mirror images in your pets, spouse, children, neighbors, coworkers, parents, basically anyone.

Where I’ve found Him to reach me best is putting me in a situation that truly irritates and agitates me to where I desire to complain about that situation…trying to remove the “speck” from their eye or “fix” them…and He’s trying to get me to see the “log” that I must deal with first. Who irritates you? Who agitates you? What do you hate the most? Where do you judge others? Do you see any similarities?

Thank you Father for your faithful shepherding, tender loving care, gentle redirections, empowering spirit that transforms us and reveals all things to us, and for never making us do it alone but being our Helper and Advocate along the way. Without you Father we are nothing. I’m grateful for all that You’ve done, all that you do, and all that You will do! May one day I reflect Your Son’s image in a manner that is worthy and honoring to Your Name. Amen.

PS. I didn’t mention Bella our Havanese. Now she represents what I believe God is working towards by putting two opposites like Bill and me together. Taking two extremes and working to get a very healthy, happy, balanced, medium. Bella is playful, bouncy, and loves to have lots of fun, but not overwhelmingly so and will calm down when asked to. She exhibits no fear, timidity, or aggressiveness, but is submissive. She loves at all times and wants to give you all the attention you desire. She has no favorites, loves all equally, and truly has never met a stranger. After praying for her arrival, God delivered. He did provide me with the dog I wanted and the dog I needed, while still utilizing her to teach me His lesson. Thanks, Abba!

Welcome The Wilderness

Posted on by DSilvan

January 20, 2011

Matthew 4:1-4 “Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the WILDERNESS to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was HUNGRY. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”  Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not LIVE on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.

Have you ever wondered why? Have you experienced your own wilderness journey? Have you watched your children, spouse, loved one, or friend experience a wilderness time? Have you desired just to skirt around these difficult times? Or, maybe said, I wish I could take these hard times away from my children.” I know I have thought these thoughts and yearned for the peaceful trek. But are we missing out if we do that?

In reading these 4 verses for a study, I was moved to know more about these three words. They jumped off the page…I needed to know more. So out came my handy Greek word dictionary and my Blue Letter Bible app quickly covered my iphone’s screen.

What do you think of when you read wilderness? Why did it have to be a wilderness?  He was there for 40 days and 40 nights…was he not hungry earlier? What does it mean to be hungry? God said Man shall not live on bread alone…we need food to live…what does live mean? What does God’s Word have to do with our ability to live? These thoughts and questions plus more flooded my mind. And I danced, after studying these 3 words!

Just like Jesus, we will be led into wilderness experiences. This time will be a solitary, lonely, desolate, uninhabited place that will be deserted by others, where we will be deprived of the aid and protection of others, friends, acquaintances, family. It takes this experience, to bring us to our weakest point. A place where we will experience a hunger like never before. We will suffer want, we will be needy and we will crave ardently and begin to seek with eager desire. Right here is when we’re tested and tempted. At our weakest moment, will we turn to God, seek His face, speak His words to defeat the enemy? What will we resort to for our strength? Bread nourishes our flesh for the moment, but we LIVE on every word that comes from the mouth of God. With His word we are able to breathe, no longer are lifeless nor dead, enjoy real life and a true life, have true power, become full of vigour, and are fresh, strong, efficient, active, powerful, and efficacious.

Now this LIFE that you see when you look up live is what I desire for myself, my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my acquaintances and even my enemies. If we skirt around the wildernesses and we avoid and push away the hard times…we miss the most beautiful time of growing closer to God, leaning on His understanding, learning from His teachings, and just spending time in our Daddy’s lap being comforted. EMBRACE these times that tear away our hard exteriors and kneel before our Father to truly experience what it means to LIVE. And remember,  Jesus didn’t enter the wilderness alone…He was led by the Spirit. We too are not left alone, but led there in order to create something more beautiful than was before.

In case your wondering, what does a wilderness time look like? It is different for everyone. A few of my personal wildernesses are 2 depressions, my body revolting against being in the sun at anytime, and developing food allergies to all foods. Without these I would not be who I am today, nor would my relationship with God have grown so much. Some others could be loss of job, loss of home,death of family members, struggles with children, surviving suicide, troubles in marriage, dealing with an illness personally or with a loved one…the list is endless. Think about what your wilderness experiences have been and praise God for loving us enough to take the time to chisel away the rough edges, to love us in all our awkwardness, to be patient with us as we gradually listen to Him.

Thank you Jesus for never giving up on us, for never throwing in the white towel and saying that’s it. But rather, you sought forgiveness for us from God declaring we do not know what we do. Oh to be even a little glimmer of who you are. Thank You for Your faithfulness, trustworthiness, and Your sovereignty. Even in the midst of our trials, You are in control…nothing comes to us that hasn’t been filtered through Your loving fingertips. In Your Son’s precious name Jesus, Amen.

Word Study:

Wilderness – G2048 erēmos: solitary, lonely, desolate, uninhabited place; when referring to persons – deserted by others, deprived of the aid and protection of others, especially of friends, acquaintances, kindred; abandoned –  a flock deserted by the shepherd, a woman neglected by her husband, from whom the husband withholds himself.

Hungry – G3983 peinaō: to hunger, be hungry, to suffer want, to be needy and metaphorically to crave ardently, to seek with eager desire

Live – G2198 zaō: to live, breathe, be among the living (not lifeless, not dead), to enjoy real life, to have true life and worthy of the name, active, blessed, endless in the kingdom of God, having vital power in itself and exerting the same upon the soul, metaphorically to be in full vigour, to be fresh, strong, efficient,  active, powerful, efficacious

God Break My Heart

Posted on by DSilvan

God ignited a burning fire within me like I had never experienced before. He took me on a wild ride that I’ve come to treasure. Like Paul, once the scales were removed Jesus took him into the desert for 3 years to teach Paul His ways…Jesus did that same thing for me. For 4 years, I took four individual bible studies simultaneously, slowing down only during summer to do one. He poured His word into me voraciously almost like a firehose on full blast and was busily replenishing what the locust had eaten over the years. Eventually, leaders noticed my craziness and they encouraged me to stretch myself to lead small groups: one in Stepping Stones and eventually becoming the leader of the Precept Bible Study ministry at Lakeside. I flourished in ways that I’m still trying to put into words because God continues to show me things from the past, that were to prepare me for the future, which is actually now my present. Like I said many times His weaving continues to amaze me. God used this time in my journey to establish His strong foundation and instill in me the strength to walk through the years that were to come. What He poured into me caught me up to speed, transitioned me from milk to solid food, clarified experiences I had walked through, and infused me with the strength to endure the hard travels ahead.

The next portion of my journey is really where the rubber meets the road. It’s where He’s going to give hands and feet to all the knowledge He’s placed within me. The knowledge will morph into wisdom by “doing” what He’s taught not just “knowing” it and collecting dust. At this time, Richard Stearn who wrote A Hole in the Gospel came to our church. I was inspired to take his challenge to pray a simple prayer, “God break my heart for what breaks Yours.” At this time I naively thought I’d be given the task to help in sex trafficking or maybe become active in World Vision. But rarely ever is the image I create in my mind ever the one God has envisioned for me. He began to break my heart in many areas. One place he broke my heart for was in regards to a certain prisoner. I continue to wrestle with God on what He wants me to do and if I heard Him correctly. This man was an elementary teacher in Folsom who was convicted of unthinkable crimes, but God keeps placing him on my heart. I’m still seeking His guidance on what to do because…Why? What am I to say? How? He’s in for life in a federal prison in Illinois? Although he will remain in a physical prison as a consequence to his choices, he could be freed spiritually and then empowered to guide others to Jesus. This adventure is yet to be completed. So I wait.

God continued to do many amazing things, teaching lesson after lesson, showing off with His mighty power, and yet, I reached a time where I acted like Elijah. After God supported me faithfully in so many different areas, I became exhausted and forgot to trust God. I ran away from leading groups after 8 years to hide as I traversed the worst times of my life so far.

 *Return to Faithfulness of God

His Word Heals

Posted on by DSilvan

When I’ve been taken to these dark places of depression, it’s important to understand that all self-confidence is stripped, all security is squashed, doing things alone becomes even more terrifying. So, thinking of jumping into a bible study with other people to be in His word was excruciating. The weekend right after encountering God encouraging me to read His Word, I entered church not really expecting much. But God had “A WORD” for me…specifically 17 words for me.

“For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7

Two days later on a Tuesday morning, I walked up the entrance stairs to Lakeside Church to attend a corporate woman’s Bible study known as Stepping Stones. The entire walk I recited, “I was not given a spirit of timidity but of power and love and discipline” over and over in my head and under my breath. However, I really wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs because all I felt was fear…fear had become my prison cell! Once inside I sat lonely at a table not knowing any one. I was a little town girl who had gone to church with the same 40 people who raised me in Sunday School. Now I was transitioning to a large church that housed 800-1500 at a time with 5 different services. Knowing people in this size of a church was not an easy feat. So when God sent a sweet, gentle soul in her faded blue overalls to welcome me with her carefree spirit, I felt at ease. She wrapped her arm around me and said you can join our group. She became my dearest friend, Shelly. I praise God for placing her in my life because she has helped me traverse the last 12 years of this journey. She is proof that God does have special angels for each of us that minister to our soul.

At some point after I started digesting His word again that suffocating darkness that attempted to swallow me disappeared as fast as it came. The fog dissipated and a renewing and restoring of my soul began . . . reading His word healed my soul. Over the summer I jumped into Beth Moore’s Believing God. And WOW! God had many words for me in that study. He helped me map out my journey with Him from the time I was little. He showed me the godly people He placed in my life to guide me. He showed me how I was living a cyclic life that resembled the Kings — call me Israel. Next, He proceeded to show me how my depressions were all spiritually related and how I resembled Nebuchadnezzar. I went through a time like Nebuchadnezzar where my reasoning would be taken, I’d be made to live as a wild animal, and my splendor would be gone. Only when I raised my eyes to heaven and acknowledged my God Most High would my sanity be given back, my happiness returned and I’d be restored to even greater than I was before. His ways are truly beautiful!

*Return to Faithfulness of God

He Never Leaves Nor Forsakes

Posted on by DSilvan

After dating for 4 years my high school sweetheart and I married at age 20, had our first daughter 6 months later and moved to L.A. away from all our family and friends. I was isolated with a newborn while my husband attended Los Angeles State University, played baseball and worked. My small town girl personality didn’t flourish in the big city environment. Seven months later I was hospitalized for 3 weeks with depression, atypical psychosis, and anxiety…basically they couldn’t explain what was happening. They were merely attempting to treat the symptoms.

My grandfather called me every night in the hospital to pray with me and for me. He sent me a small poster of “Footprints” and encouraged me that God was there, reminded me He was teaching me something and reassured me that I would be okay. At this point in time, I feared I would forget my entire family and dissolve into a state of unknowing, so I surrounded myself with their photos and tried to believe all would be okay like my grandfather said. I also experienced overwhelming feelings of needing to end it all, hearing the lie that everyone would be better off without me. At the end of the spring semester we moved back home so family could help us. The doctors placed me on a variety of medicines for 12+ months and sent me to counseling. However, nothing seemed to remove the darkness that had swallowed me.

While I was taking these heavy medications I found out I was pregnant. Life stopped. The doctors told me I had really only one option. I found myself trapped in the midst of a choice that went against God and all I ever believed. I wrestled with God and the doctor’s advice. I remember laying on the ground writhing in turmoil even the night before saying “I can’t do this.” At this place in my existence I believed doctors knew everything…I had to listen to them. Everyone around me was telling me that this was the right thing. No one was counseling me on trusting God and encouraging me to keep our baby. I hadn’t realized that the deep conflict within me, the entity I was wrestling with so strongly was the spirit within me. Therefore, the world won and my heart was left shattered. How could I ever forgive myself?

In brokenness, I ran back to church. During a service, I, the prodigal daughter, realized I had to return. I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. Tears poured down my cheeks as I cried out to my Father above. I didn’t deserve His forgiveness after what I’d done. I didn’t deserve His grace or mercy.  But inside my heart I knew He had never stopped loving me despite my failings. He was not going to leave me, nor forsake me. My fear of walking in front of the entire congregation was consumed and I desired to acknowledge publicly that Jesus was and is my only help…proclaiming Him and His goodness in front of everyone.

Although I had taken my inheritance of eternal life, spent it wildly like the prodigal son in the Bible, this time of difficulty is exactly what a hardheaded, stubborn, rebellious child needed in order to realize my way was vacant of everything I truly was designed for. Within the next few weeks the mysterious dark fog that terrorized me lifted…it left as quickly as it appeared.

I’m so grateful God included stories in the Bible of others who resemble some of the darkest parts of me.  Moses brought redemption to God’s people, led them out of captivity, mediated the Old Covenant, and wrote the Pentateuch (the first 5 books of the Bible)…even after choosing to kill the Egyptian who was beating a Hebrew brother God used him. And, David was an adulterer, a liar and a murderer, yet God called him a “man after His heart.”  In the midst of being a mighty man for God, he chose to do the unthinkable revealing yet again that he was far from being perfect. Although David sinned, he always loved God and would intentionally seek to turn back from his poor choices. I find comfort knowing that these same men struggled in their faith, yet God chose to put in ink how important their role in history is and His unending love for them.

“Thank you Jesus for paving the way with your perfect sacrifice so that I may receive forgiveness and enjoy a relationship with my Heavenly Father. Amen.”

*Return to Faithfulness of God 

 

Character • Not • Comfort

Posted on by DSilvan

January 18, 2011

I’ve experienced various trials in my few years. Many times I wrestle with evaluating whether they are important in relation to others whose are far worse. But whether my struggles appeared tiny or grand in comparison to others, they were personal to me, involved pain and left scars behind . . . they all are important. Don’t ever discount moments in your journey. On January 18, 2011, a few Scriptures were placed in my path that helped me regain my balance as I traveled down a dark road. They encouraged me to hold on . . . and they are one’s that have stuck with me for years. There are MANY more, but I’m starting here for these I’m reminded of often.
Malachi 3:3 “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver” (NIV).

God will direct my steps. Isaiah 48:10 “See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction” (NIV).

God will never leave me. Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze” (NIV).

God will always make a way for me. 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (NIV).

During one of these trying times I read a devotional written by Mary Southerland. It’s a Beautiful Picture of God’s Love . . .

The story is told of a group of women who met each week to study the Bible, hoping to learn more about the nature and character of God and how He works in our life. The women were puzzled and even a little troubled by the description of God they found in Malachi 3:3, “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.” One of the women offered to do a little research on the subject and report back to the group at their next meeting. The woman found a local silversmith and made an appointment to observe him at work, explaining that she was particularly interested in the process of refining silver. She watched as the craftsman carefully selected a piece of silver for his demonstration. She thought the piece of silver was already beautiful but evidently the silversmith saw something that she could not see. As he held the silver over the furnace, the craftsman explained that in refining silver, the silver had to be placed in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so all of the impurities would be burned away.

The woman was silent for a moment as her thoughts drifted to the fiery trials she was facing in her own life. Honestly, she did not get it. Why would a loving God allow His children to suffer when He could so easily deliver them? In fact, why does God even allow bad things to happen to people who are seeking Him and really trying to live for Him?

The woman asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. “Oh, yes!” he replied. “I cannot take my eyes off the silver. If it is left in the furnace even a moment too long, it will be destroyed.” The woman suddenly understood the beauty and comfort of Malachi 3:3, “He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”Yes, there are times when it seems as if we will be swallowed whole by the fires of Hell itself. The pain seems too hard to bear. The fear is paralyzing. The doubt is overwhelming and questions flood our heart and mind.

Is God really who He says He is?

Will He really do what He says He will do?

Will He really keep His promises?

Our trials are not random persecutions. Heaven is not in a panic and where we are and what we are going through is no surprise to God. We may be knocked down and kicked around by life, but if we have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, we will not be destroyed.

Our lives are filled with excess baggage and waste – a cherished sin we refuse to relinquish or an addiction to which we are enslaved. What about the emotional garbage that weighs us down or our unforgiving spirit that holds us prisoner? Fiery trials come to burn away the guilt of sin and then purify our heart. From those ashes of freedom, the Father then creates a work of beauty.

I believe the words I just wrote. I know and accept the truth that trials and hard times make me stronger and strengthen my faith, but there are times when I want it all to stop. I find myself asking, “How much is enough, Lord? How many trials do I have to endure? When will the pain and trouble end?”

“How do you know when the silver is fully refined?” the woman asked. The silversmith smiled and answered, “Oh, that’s easy. The refining process is complete when I can see my image reflected in the silver.”

God is not committed to our comfort. He is committed to our character. Only God can exchange the ashes of our sin for the beauty of His forgiveness and grace. God alone can replace our despair with His peace that passes all understanding. Hope can only be found in Him. Our purpose in life is to know and become more like Jesus … and act just like our Father. 

Let’s Pray
Father, I want to be more like You. Give me the strength to withstand the trials in my life. Help me love the people who are hard to love and forgive the people who have hurt and even abused me. Burn away the sin in my life and empower me to live for You. Create a clean heart in me, Lord, and teach me how to live for You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Now It’s Your Turn
Journaling is a powerful spiritual discipline and habit that I encourage you to cultivate this year. A journal can be a spiral notebook or leather bound book. You may write in your journal every day or once a week. Your entry can fill an entire page or one line. How you journal is not nearly as important as the fact that you journal.

Record new truths and insights God gives you as you read and study the Bible. Write your prayers and thoughts. Create a section in your journal where you can record the promises God gives you.

I encourage you to purchase a special journal that you can begin to write in. Record your prayers, thoughts, struggles, answers, lessons, revelations and “coincidences” (which I don’t believe in by the way…I choose to look at them as God Stops!) These writings can be stepping stones for your children, grandchildren, friends…they help build your faith and their faith as you all see God’s activity in your daily lives.