A dear friend, Shelly, asked me if I’d brainstorm with her about the S.H.A.P.E. workshop she was leading. This class is based off the book written by Erik Rees, “S.H.A.P.E.: Finding and Fulfilling Your Unique Purpose for Life.”   I was excited. In February 2015, I took this workshop and God helped me understand so much more about how He wired me. All of sudden I could embrace parts of me that had always baffled and confused me or made me feel inferior to others. He dialed into sharper focus how He’d been shaping me. I began to see with a different perspective why quite possibly I’d been allowed to walk through many difficult times in such rapid succession. In this workshop God redefined in my mind what teaching could look like for an introvert . . . one who is more comfortable behind a monitor screen rather than on a stage in front of many people. Enthusiastically I shared that it would be amazing if Shelly had someone share their testimony in the “Experience” part of the workshop. Illustrating how God had pulled together their Spiritual gifts, Heart/passion, Abilities, Personality, and Experiences to make an impact because that’s exactly what God had begun to do for me — it was life giving. Shelly thought it was a great idea! However, I didn’t realize that I had already been the unnamed friend she shared in the workshop previously. Now my life would become the visual aid through my lips . . . not high on an introvert’s bucket list.

I prayed about this opportunity. I wrestled with my fear about being authentic and open in a public forum. Writing and sharing behind the protection of a computer screen fits more in my wheel house for a shy introvert.  Standing in front of 75 people speaking to them with all their eyes intently focused on me was NOT high on my radar. Then, I encountered a personal attack on my newly established battlefield. I quickly wanted to retreat…I reevaluated whether I should accept this challenge . . . what good could come from me laying my heart bare and opening myself up for wounds. God gently walked in, helped me humble my heart to the offender and encouraged me to be Bold and Courageous, to be True to who He had created me to be, and to seek to please Him and only Him not man. I accepted. Here is what God taught me through my journey in unwrapping my SHAPE:

On the outside, I was a nice, helpful, good person.  I am a recovering perfectionist who looked the part of a “good” Christian: going to church, reading my bible, praying, serving, and teaching my children God’s ways.  However, in the darkest crevices of my heart I was judgmental. Very judgmental.  I didn’t understand people who wrestled with adultery, homosexuality, stealing, drug addiction, pornography, murder and more.  One area I was especially good at was judging parents. It was obvious why their children struggled and faced dire consequences: they didn’t spend time with them, show them love,  be a stay at home parent, and raise them in the church to know and follow Jesus?  If they had done these things, or a majority of them, it would be a different story.  I believed that nurture beat out nature all the time.  I believed that the closer I followed Jesus the smoother my life would be.

Are you angry yet? Are you laughing? I hope you’re praying for me to understand God more fully and love more unconditionally because I haven’t arrived and I still need His help every day. I hope you realize, all that I just spoke about in the previous paragraph are LIES. They were symptoms from viewing everything though imperfect lenses. Frankly, I find it repulsive now. But then, that’s what made me feel I had life figured out. I could judge everyone on everything I had no struggles with while ignoring ALL the areas I fell so profoundly in.

Although sharing my life in this tattered and marred package is difficult, it illustrates how God’s grace and the Holy Spirit’s power have been transforming me into a different person today.  By standing back and recognizing where He’s brought me, I’m given great hope for where He’s taking me.

At Lakeside Church, I began an intense 4-year Bible study journey where I was in 4 different study groups simultaneously year round.  God was going to transform and renew my thinking . . . He was busy replenishing and restoring what the locusts had eaten, changing what the world had warped within me and annihilating my flesh by putting to death the “old me” and creating the “new me.”  In hindsight I see how my abilities, passions, and spiritual gifts were intertwining.  As a child I loved to study.  It energized me.  I LOVED. LEARNING. Combine that with my gifts of knowledge, wisdom, prophecy and teaching and I understood now why I was wired this way.  I couldn’t know enough or learn enough.  I researched endlessly to understand His Word.  Then, I wanted to run out and share all that God had poured into me.

However, after learning so much I was confused why I didn’t love others well because God is Love?  It was around this time when I was prompted to pray a prayer for God to “Break my heart for what breaks His” by Richard Stearns who wrote The Whole in Our Gospel. I don’t recommend this unless you are ready for LIFE-CHANGING experiences. Because God brings it when we pray like this! Many experiences that broke His heart began emerging and they broke my heart, as well.

Looking back through Jesus’ expedited training program, a few studies stood out that had really impacted me and those combined with my experiences produced a wealth of wisdom. Much of what I read in His Word was solidified by what He taught me as I walked each trial out with Him.

Hebrews taught me of faith, but most importantly how God disciplines His children.  We can take comfort from knowing that discipline is proof that we are legitimate children of God.  Even though it’s unpleasant at the time, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace if we’re trained by it.  Then 1 Peter talked of suffering and understanding there will come a time when we face a fiery ordeal that seems strange, but remember to rejoice that we participate in Christ’s sufferings.  Finally the biggest was when the Spirit encouraged me to study Job on my own.  God taught me that sometimes trials come that can’t be explained, but understand that nothing has come to us that hasn’t been filtered through His fingers first.  God wasn’t surprised by what our future held.  In fact He’d allowed it for a divine purpose. All the studying I did created a firm foundation for me to stand on when the storms came. The wealth of wisdom that He gave me through these trials can be shared to strengthen others when they face similar battles.

Our Job experience began shortly after I read all Job penned in the Bible. My husband was a full commission salesman and when the economy plummeted in 2011 so did our finances.  We began making 30% of our normal income.  Eventually our home was foreclosed.  We lost a car.  We lost a business we’d started.  Our children floundered from the drastic changes in our lifestyle.  We entered various trials due to bad choices they resorted to in order to cope.  And we came face to face with some of their fleshly battles that were suddenly revealed.  Then my husband’s and my health came under attack. My husband developed Bells Palsy and his face remains paralyzed and I lost hearing in my right ear for no known reason, lost my sense of smell and developed stomach issues that doctors could not explain.  Eventually our marriage began to suffer.  Everything that had been good seemed to be spiraling out of control.  God reminded me that Satan had challenged my faith.  Was I only going to love God because of all the conveniences, beautiful, and comfortable things He’d given me?  It’s easy to love God when life is good.  I sensed the Spirit reassuring me that we had been given over for a time of sifting, a time of discipline, a time of purifying.  God knew we would stand steadfast and proclaim our love for Him in the midst of the bad.  He was on a mission to prove to Satan and those watching us that our faith is genuine, more precious than gold or any earthly thing.   Waiting for the storm to pass, God surrounded me with multiple books on spiritual warfare and I began studying again.  Learning how to fight the battle that I felt untrained to fight.

Another part of my purpose began to emerge. I was being trained to see our spiritual battle and how to stand against the enemy that we cannot see, but most assuredly lurks around seeking to devour us.

When I wrote this for the SHAPE workshop we had been on our journey of healing and restoration for 3.5 years.  God walked through the fire and raging waters with us and now He’s bringing beauty from the ashes.  Now . . . 7 years past this extremely difficult season in our life, God HAS RESTORED! We have purchased a new home something we struggled to believe we would ever be able to do again. We bought a new car, too (well, “new” to us ~ used is the only way to go.)  Our kids are for the most part on the other side of life-changing choices. God told me in Job that He WOULD restore doubly what was taken. He gave me HOPE to hold on to. I clung to that though many told me I was foolish to believe that as a promise. They would say our replenishment would most likely be in heaven. I chose to ponder on the word I felt God spoke into my heart while taking this journey. He’s been faithful to all He told me. What others miss when I say God told me He’d “restore doubly”, is that I don’t view this as necessarily a monetary promise.

Throughout this journey God has changed our perspective on the “American Dream.” Having a house to live in that doesn’t overwhelm us in debt, enjoying our children overcoming their struggles and blossoming, changing our perspectives on what is truly important, being freed from the captivity of worrying about what others think or say about you or your family is being restored doubly. We have more than money could ever buy. For this I am grateful.

All these life experiences have taught me to love unconditionally better and judgment was brutally chiseled away.  My heart breaks for parents when their children make poor choices because I’ve worn that shame and heard the judgmental whispers despite doing everything right, or at least trying my best at the time.

In truth, these moments taught me how what I do as a child of God does reflect poorly on my Father to those who do not know Him. But my bad choices don’t define who God is, they actually reveal where I am in relation to Him (far or close to Him.)  What breaks my Heavenly Father’s heart is seeing the lies I’m choosing to believe about myself, me getting caught in the lies of the world and getting lost, and not embracing how much He loves me . . . I understand all this now for He let my heart get broken as a parent.

I no longer want to be like Job’s friends anymore, judging and assuming why something is happening when only God knows because I’ve experienced that pain from the murderous whispers spoken in ear shot.

I lean towards the “nature” side. Whether the ugly blemishes are hidden within our heart or worn on the outside for everyone to see, it’s all brokenness. It’s in our nature.

The depressions, anxiety and fear I was allowed to battle and endure gives me deep compassion for those with similar stories.

How I view prisoners or drug addicts has taken a 180-degree turn.  Because of the work God has done in my heart, I find myself loving the outcasts, the lost, the wounded, those that the world has given up on and calls losers or zeros.  This was never part of my character before, but our God works miracles!  He loves a ragamuffin like me and He never gives up!

He’s been molding my heart to fit the purpose he designed me for.  My heart beats to know our amazing God better, to teach others about His unending faithfulness, to help others to be strong in their faith during trials and to equip others to stand firm against the spiritual battles we face.  God’s plan to teach this child His ways was not an easy one, but the beauty God has brought from it makes it all worth while.  We serve a great and mighty God.

I’m hoping after meandering through my story you were able to see how God intertwines our S.H.A.P.E. (our spiritual gifts, our heart and passion, our abilities, our personality and our experiences) to create a purpose for us to bring glory to His name. Our purpose isn’t supposed to look like anyone else because He has created us uniquely and specifically for His purpose

God loves us where we are. He doesn’t call us to clean up our act before we come to Him. He loves us, period. He also loves us enough to not leave us in our brokenness. But we don’t need to be afraid or intimidated by how we are going to clean ourselves up…we don’t change us. He’s the one who is on the mission to purify us from the inside out. He is the one who is working strategically behind the scenes to help our hearts line up with our outward actions. Our helper, our advocate, our trainer is His spirit within us…He walks with us, transforms us, reminds us, encourages us, and empowers us to live a different way.

After years of struggling to BE who God wanted I had learned to look the part on the outside to keep up external appearances, to be a great Pharisee of today. While my tattered heart in all it’s ugliness was hidden away. God was after my heart. The heart is where it starts.