Tag: Faith

Judgment Chisled Away

Posted on by DSilvan

A dear friend, Shelly, asked me if I’d brainstorm with her about the S.H.A.P.E. workshop she was leading. This class is based off the book written by Erik Rees, “S.H.A.P.E.: Finding and Fulfilling Your Unique Purpose for Life.”   I was excited. In February 2015, I took this workshop and God helped me understand so much more about how He wired me. All of sudden I could embrace parts of me that had always baffled and confused me or made me feel inferior to others. He dialed into sharper focus how He’d been shaping me. I began to see with a different perspective why quite possibly I’d been allowed to walk through many difficult times in such rapid succession. In this workshop God redefined in my mind what teaching could look like for an introvert . . . one who is more comfortable behind a monitor screen rather than on a stage in front of many people. Enthusiastically I shared that it would be amazing if Shelly had someone share their testimony in the “Experience” part of the workshop. Illustrating how God had pulled together their Spiritual gifts, Heart/passion, Abilities, Personality, and Experiences to make an impact because that’s exactly what God had begun to do for me — it was life giving. Shelly thought it was a great idea! However, I didn’t realize that I had already been the unnamed friend she shared in the workshop previously. Now my life would become the visual aid through my lips . . . not high on an introvert’s bucket list.

I prayed about this opportunity. I wrestled with my fear about being authentic and open in a public forum. Writing and sharing behind the protection of a computer screen fits more in my wheel house for a shy introvert.  Standing in front of 75 people speaking to them with all their eyes intently focused on me was NOT high on my radar. Then, I encountered a personal attack on my newly established battlefield. I quickly wanted to retreat…I reevaluated whether I should accept this challenge . . . what good could come from me laying my heart bare and opening myself up for wounds. God gently walked in, helped me humble my heart to the offender and encouraged me to be Bold and Courageous, to be True to who He had created me to be, and to seek to please Him and only Him not man. I accepted. Here is what God taught me through my journey in unwrapping my SHAPE:

On the outside, I was a nice, helpful, good person.  I am a recovering perfectionist who looked the part of a “good” Christian: going to church, reading my bible, praying, serving, and teaching my children God’s ways.  However, in the darkest crevices of my heart I was judgmental. Very judgmental.  I didn’t understand people who wrestled with adultery, homosexuality, stealing, drug addiction, pornography, murder and more.  One area I was especially good at was judging parents. It was obvious why their children struggled and faced dire consequences: they didn’t spend time with them, show them love,  be a stay at home parent, and raise them in the church to know and follow Jesus?  If they had done these things, or a majority of them, it would be a different story.  I believed that nurture beat out nature all the time.  I believed that the closer I followed Jesus the smoother my life would be.

Are you angry yet? Are you laughing? I hope you’re praying for me to understand God more fully and love more unconditionally because I haven’t arrived and I still need His help every day. I hope you realize, all that I just spoke about in the previous paragraph are LIES. They were symptoms from viewing everything though imperfect lenses. Frankly, I find it repulsive now. But then, that’s what made me feel I had life figured out. I could judge everyone on everything I had no struggles with while ignoring ALL the areas I fell so profoundly in.

Although sharing my life in this tattered and marred package is difficult, it illustrates how God’s grace and the Holy Spirit’s power have been transforming me into a different person today.  By standing back and recognizing where He’s brought me, I’m given great hope for where He’s taking me.

At Lakeside Church, I began an intense 4-year Bible study journey where I was in 4 different study groups simultaneously year round.  God was going to transform and renew my thinking . . . He was busy replenishing and restoring what the locusts had eaten, changing what the world had warped within me and annihilating my flesh by putting to death the “old me” and creating the “new me.”  In hindsight I see how my abilities, passions, and spiritual gifts were intertwining.  As a child I loved to study.  It energized me.  I LOVED. LEARNING. Combine that with my gifts of knowledge, wisdom, prophecy and teaching and I understood now why I was wired this way.  I couldn’t know enough or learn enough.  I researched endlessly to understand His Word.  Then, I wanted to run out and share all that God had poured into me.

However, after learning so much I was confused why I didn’t love others well because God is Love?  It was around this time when I was prompted to pray a prayer for God to “Break my heart for what breaks His” by Richard Stearns who wrote The Whole in Our Gospel. I don’t recommend this unless you are ready for LIFE-CHANGING experiences. Because God brings it when we pray like this! Many experiences that broke His heart began emerging and they broke my heart, as well.

Looking back through Jesus’ expedited training program, a few studies stood out that had really impacted me and those combined with my experiences produced a wealth of wisdom. Much of what I read in His Word was solidified by what He taught me as I walked each trial out with Him.

Hebrews taught me of faith, but most importantly how God disciplines His children.  We can take comfort from knowing that discipline is proof that we are legitimate children of God.  Even though it’s unpleasant at the time, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace if we’re trained by it.  Then 1 Peter talked of suffering and understanding there will come a time when we face a fiery ordeal that seems strange, but remember to rejoice that we participate in Christ’s sufferings.  Finally the biggest was when the Spirit encouraged me to study Job on my own.  God taught me that sometimes trials come that can’t be explained, but understand that nothing has come to us that hasn’t been filtered through His fingers first.  God wasn’t surprised by what our future held.  In fact He’d allowed it for a divine purpose. All the studying I did created a firm foundation for me to stand on when the storms came. The wealth of wisdom that He gave me through these trials can be shared to strengthen others when they face similar battles.

Our Job experience began shortly after I read all Job penned in the Bible. My husband was a full commission salesman and when the economy plummeted in 2011 so did our finances.  We began making 30% of our normal income.  Eventually our home was foreclosed.  We lost a car.  We lost a business we’d started.  Our children floundered from the drastic changes in our lifestyle.  We entered various trials due to bad choices they resorted to in order to cope.  And we came face to face with some of their fleshly battles that were suddenly revealed.  Then my husband’s and my health came under attack. My husband developed Bells Palsy and his face remains paralyzed and I lost hearing in my right ear for no known reason, lost my sense of smell and developed stomach issues that doctors could not explain.  Eventually our marriage began to suffer.  Everything that had been good seemed to be spiraling out of control.  God reminded me that Satan had challenged my faith.  Was I only going to love God because of all the conveniences, beautiful, and comfortable things He’d given me?  It’s easy to love God when life is good.  I sensed the Spirit reassuring me that we had been given over for a time of sifting, a time of discipline, a time of purifying.  God knew we would stand steadfast and proclaim our love for Him in the midst of the bad.  He was on a mission to prove to Satan and those watching us that our faith is genuine, more precious than gold or any earthly thing.   Waiting for the storm to pass, God surrounded me with multiple books on spiritual warfare and I began studying again.  Learning how to fight the battle that I felt untrained to fight.

Another part of my purpose began to emerge. I was being trained to see our spiritual battle and how to stand against the enemy that we cannot see, but most assuredly lurks around seeking to devour us.

When I wrote this for the SHAPE workshop we had been on our journey of healing and restoration for 3.5 years.  God walked through the fire and raging waters with us and now He’s bringing beauty from the ashes.  Now . . . 7 years past this extremely difficult season in our life, God HAS RESTORED! We have purchased a new home something we struggled to believe we would ever be able to do again. We bought a new car, too (well, “new” to us ~ used is the only way to go.)  Our kids are for the most part on the other side of life-changing choices. God told me in Job that He WOULD restore doubly what was taken. He gave me HOPE to hold on to. I clung to that though many told me I was foolish to believe that as a promise. They would say our replenishment would most likely be in heaven. I chose to ponder on the word I felt God spoke into my heart while taking this journey. He’s been faithful to all He told me. What others miss when I say God told me He’d “restore doubly”, is that I don’t view this as necessarily a monetary promise.

Throughout this journey God has changed our perspective on the “American Dream.” Having a house to live in that doesn’t overwhelm us in debt, enjoying our children overcoming their struggles and blossoming, changing our perspectives on what is truly important, being freed from the captivity of worrying about what others think or say about you or your family is being restored doubly. We have more than money could ever buy. For this I am grateful.

All these life experiences have taught me to love unconditionally better and judgment was brutally chiseled away.  My heart breaks for parents when their children make poor choices because I’ve worn that shame and heard the judgmental whispers despite doing everything right, or at least trying my best at the time.

In truth, these moments taught me how what I do as a child of God does reflect poorly on my Father to those who do not know Him. But my bad choices don’t define who God is, they actually reveal where I am in relation to Him (far or close to Him.)  What breaks my Heavenly Father’s heart is seeing the lies I’m choosing to believe about myself, me getting caught in the lies of the world and getting lost, and not embracing how much He loves me . . . I understand all this now for He let my heart get broken as a parent.

I no longer want to be like Job’s friends anymore, judging and assuming why something is happening when only God knows because I’ve experienced that pain from the murderous whispers spoken in ear shot.

I lean towards the “nature” side. Whether the ugly blemishes are hidden within our heart or worn on the outside for everyone to see, it’s all brokenness. It’s in our nature.

The depressions, anxiety and fear I was allowed to battle and endure gives me deep compassion for those with similar stories.

How I view prisoners or drug addicts has taken a 180-degree turn.  Because of the work God has done in my heart, I find myself loving the outcasts, the lost, the wounded, those that the world has given up on and calls losers or zeros.  This was never part of my character before, but our God works miracles!  He loves a ragamuffin like me and He never gives up!

He’s been molding my heart to fit the purpose he designed me for.  My heart beats to know our amazing God better, to teach others about His unending faithfulness, to help others to be strong in their faith during trials and to equip others to stand firm against the spiritual battles we face.  God’s plan to teach this child His ways was not an easy one, but the beauty God has brought from it makes it all worth while.  We serve a great and mighty God.

I’m hoping after meandering through my story you were able to see how God intertwines our S.H.A.P.E. (our spiritual gifts, our heart and passion, our abilities, our personality and our experiences) to create a purpose for us to bring glory to His name. Our purpose isn’t supposed to look like anyone else because He has created us uniquely and specifically for His purpose

God loves us where we are. He doesn’t call us to clean up our act before we come to Him. He loves us, period. He also loves us enough to not leave us in our brokenness. But we don’t need to be afraid or intimidated by how we are going to clean ourselves up…we don’t change us. He’s the one who is on the mission to purify us from the inside out. He is the one who is working strategically behind the scenes to help our hearts line up with our outward actions. Our helper, our advocate, our trainer is His spirit within us…He walks with us, transforms us, reminds us, encourages us, and empowers us to live a different way.

After years of struggling to BE who God wanted I had learned to look the part on the outside to keep up external appearances, to be a great Pharisee of today. While my tattered heart in all it’s ugliness was hidden away. God was after my heart. The heart is where it starts.

Hairy Reflections

Posted on by DSilvan

December 22, 2011

Some of the hardest areas for me to handle are dealing with people. I watch my husband who has the gift of “GAB”… the gift of “Gabbing About Baloney” it’s like he never meets a stranger. I don’t understand this ability at all for it seems soooo foreign to me.  Ask me to do Algebra, Calculus, Differential Equations, Physics, Chemistry or anything logical with a process to follow and I GET that! But socializing, where it’s not necessarily planned, doesn’t follow a pattern and it’s essential to be free flowing and fluid….uhmmmm not. For the most part, I struggle at making small talk without it instantly becoming uncomfortable…when there are moments of dead silence frantically searching for what should I say now. I don’t know about you, but I go through life trying to make sense out of who I am, why I am, what I am, how I look to others, and where I go now that I know. Many a times, I don’t understand myself that well. This time being one and then, in walks God to faithfully provided a canvas to draw me a picture explaining it detail by detail. He Rocks! Most of the times it hurts, but He’s always there to craddle me in the aftermath. Reassuring me that He knew this about me even before He created me.

The painting consists of the Silvan household where we have been blessed to raise many animals. Over our 24 years together, we’ve owned a horse, Terrier mix, Cocker Spaniel, 2 Labradors, 2 Jack Russells, Chihuahua, Havanese, 5 cats, 4 birds, 3 Guinea Pigs and a tank full of fish…not all at once of course. Currently we have a Jack Russel (Skip), a Chihuahua (Romeo), a Havanese (Bella), 2 cats (Chloe and Tinkerbell) and a Guinea Pig (Lilly). For the most part the painting is normal, but these animals have their own quirks just like we humans do…which I find very intriguing.

In trying to deal with some of these annoying quirks, my youngest daughter and I became fans of Cesaer Milan. One of his favorite sayings is “You don’t always get the dog you want, you get the dog you need.” When faced with a challenge twenty+ years ago, my grandfather would say to me “be patient Denise, God is trying to teach you something.” Cesaer’s quote made me question what God was trying to teach me through my dogs. I know I’m whacked out of my head, right? But listen, I find this truly amazing, funny and eye opening and hopefully you will see how God teaches us through everything and everyone we encounter in our life. He can teach us about ourselves or how to relate to others…He’s so amazing and multifaceted.He can show you ugliness within yourself that He would like evicted, while at the same time showing you how to relate to others that struggle with the same issues you have. I love Him for the ability to teach ALL in multiple areas all at the same time ~ His Omnipotence at work!

Being an insatiable “loveaholic,” it’s important that my dogs be very loving because I NEED love. Yes, it’s true I’m high maintenance. The Jack Russell we had at the time was great, but he was way too bouncy for me, too hyper, too “tiggeresk” if you will. His energy did not calm my spirit, it wound me up tighter than I was at the start.  My youngest of four was going into preschool and after four I wasn’t contemplating having any more kiddos, so I decided another dog would help fill the void I had now that she was in school. On February 14, 2003, our Chihuahua, Romeo was adopted into our family.  Oh was he a cuddle bug! He clung to me, followed me around and just seemed to be a perfect fit.

However as he grew, mingled amongst the moments when Romeo was very loving were times when he was domineering, over protective, aggressive, snappy and very unpredictable. This made it so hard to love him. My heart was broken because this wasn’t the dog I wanted. We tried all Cesaer’s techniques and clearly I’m lacking Cesaer’s gift…I’m apparently a weak pack leader.  Cesaer’s quote “You don’t always get the dog you want, you get the dog you need” rang so loudly in my ears over and over and over.

One day sitting in my family room staring out our patio door windows at my pink flowered plum tree, I was watching our two dogs side by side outside peering in at me.  Skipper was bouncing none stop up and down, up and down, up and down at the windows, while Romeo was timidly standing there with a look of scared longing eyes desiring to come in yet so very unsure what awaited his entrance.  Two opposites existing together desiring the same things, love and attention, but both going about it in two different ways. All of a sudden it was as if God reached down and spoke directly into my soul, not with audible words, but with instant understanding…”they mirror you and Bill.” What?! And I kid you not, it was like instantaneously connections were made to all their characteristics and our human behaviors…it seemed like no time elapsed between this understanding, but rather it just was placed there immediately. Peculiar, yet not so weird because that’s God, right?!

Skipper embodied Bill’s personality. He was the happy go lucky, never met a stranger, wants to love all over you…and…from the time his feet hit the floor in the morning he’s running, chipper, bouncy, hyper and happy. Ugghhh. Is that how you’re supposed to be in the morning? I don’t get it, I don’t resemble that at all. Bill’s high energy and adrenaline addicted soul in business mode can wind me up, agitate me instantly and give me anxiety attack at any moment.

Now Romeo on the other hand wants love so bad, but is so scared of everything. He longs to be played with, loved and given attention, but is a very sensitive soul that doesn’t trust very much, is very insecure and can change his mood instantly. He growls and snips to ward off intrusion in an effort to protect himself. Sadly, all he really wants is to be close, but he just doesn’t understand how to interact. He’s a very sweet dog that’s trapped in a very sensitive, insecure, untrusting body. Bless his little heart…I understand him so well for he mirrors me!

When God revealed this imagery to me, He helped me view myself the way others see me (but yet don’t understand me.) He showed me how others are affected by my behavior and how that makes Him feel when He sees me behave that way. At the same time He helped me understand how to relate to Romeo on a different level and to begin to love him in spite of all his flaws. Because Romeo is like this, he doesn’t have many friends because they don’t know if they can trust him not to bite them…so they keep their distance. Unfortunately, his untrusting nature is reflected back to him. That’s not what he desires, but it’s what his responses have trained others to do.  I don’t know if Romeo will ever change, if he will ever become secure and strong, feeling safe to let others in. But my hope is that he will ~ he turned 9 December 15 and is still blessing us with his little spirited self…so, there’s still hope. And there is still hope for me that having been shown this, God will help transform these areas in my life that I find similar to Romeo’s brokenness and breathe a fresh new existence to live out what He tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7…for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. In His strength I will overcome.

Through hairy reflections God not only taught me about myself, but also showed me how I need to work hard to love the “unlovable.” Not only does my little Romeo resemble me in many areas, but he also represents those that we refer to as “sandpaper” people that seem so unlovable.  Romeo reminds me how important it is to have compassion, mercy and understanding for the unlovables just like God has for me…even they just want to be loved. Oh and I know, just by knowing this doesn’t make it easy…in fact I believe it’s a tough lesson to live out and one that can only be done through prayer, submission and total focus on Jesus. Romeo, family, close friends and many aquaintances are refining tools that I’m repeatedly challenged with on how to love the “unlovable”…as am I for those that encounter me at my most unlovable and unpredictable moments.

We’re all born with the desire to be loved, we were created to be in relationship with others….some of us just aren’t as good at it as others. I’ve become an avid observer of those that do this well, trying to learn this foreign art. Most frequently I stand in awe and envy those that this comes easy to because it is like rocket science to me…I don’t always get it!

Some of the hardest lessons I’ve learned are when God takes the simple in my life and shows me how it relates to me and my surroundings. I love that He knows I need visual teaching…He so knows His child. After all He created me, right? Don’t forget to look for those “hairy reflections that are hard to swallow” and be open to what God wants to teach you about yourself and others. Be prepared, you can see these mirror images in your pets, spouse, children, neighbors, coworkers, parents, basically anyone.

Where I’ve found Him to reach me best is putting me in a situation that truly irritates and agitates me to where I desire to complain about that situation…trying to remove the “speck” from their eye or “fix” them…and He’s trying to get me to see the “log” that I must deal with first. Who irritates you? Who agitates you? What do you hate the most? Where do you judge others? Do you see any similarities?

Thank you Father for your faithful shepherding, tender loving care, gentle redirections, empowering spirit that transforms us and reveals all things to us, and for never making us do it alone but being our Helper and Advocate along the way. Without you Father we are nothing. I’m grateful for all that You’ve done, all that you do, and all that You will do! May one day I reflect Your Son’s image in a manner that is worthy and honoring to Your Name. Amen.

PS. I didn’t mention Bella our Havanese. Now she represents what I believe God is working towards by putting two opposites like Bill and me together. Taking two extremes and working to get a very healthy, happy, balanced, medium. Bella is playful, bouncy, and loves to have lots of fun, but not overwhelmingly so and will calm down when asked to. She exhibits no fear, timidity, or aggressiveness, but is submissive. She loves at all times and wants to give you all the attention you desire. She has no favorites, loves all equally, and truly has never met a stranger. After praying for her arrival, God delivered. He did provide me with the dog I wanted and the dog I needed, while still utilizing her to teach me His lesson. Thanks, Abba!

Welcome The Wilderness

Posted on by DSilvan

January 20, 2011

Matthew 4:1-4 “Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the WILDERNESS to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was HUNGRY. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”  Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not LIVE on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.

Have you ever wondered why? Have you experienced your own wilderness journey? Have you watched your children, spouse, loved one, or friend experience a wilderness time? Have you desired just to skirt around these difficult times? Or, maybe said, I wish I could take these hard times away from my children.” I know I have thought these thoughts and yearned for the peaceful trek. But are we missing out if we do that?

In reading these 4 verses for a study, I was moved to know more about these three words. They jumped off the page…I needed to know more. So out came my handy Greek word dictionary and my Blue Letter Bible app quickly covered my iphone’s screen.

What do you think of when you read wilderness? Why did it have to be a wilderness?  He was there for 40 days and 40 nights…was he not hungry earlier? What does it mean to be hungry? God said Man shall not live on bread alone…we need food to live…what does live mean? What does God’s Word have to do with our ability to live? These thoughts and questions plus more flooded my mind. And I danced, after studying these 3 words!

Just like Jesus, we will be led into wilderness experiences. This time will be a solitary, lonely, desolate, uninhabited place that will be deserted by others, where we will be deprived of the aid and protection of others, friends, acquaintances, family. It takes this experience, to bring us to our weakest point. A place where we will experience a hunger like never before. We will suffer want, we will be needy and we will crave ardently and begin to seek with eager desire. Right here is when we’re tested and tempted. At our weakest moment, will we turn to God, seek His face, speak His words to defeat the enemy? What will we resort to for our strength? Bread nourishes our flesh for the moment, but we LIVE on every word that comes from the mouth of God. With His word we are able to breathe, no longer are lifeless nor dead, enjoy real life and a true life, have true power, become full of vigour, and are fresh, strong, efficient, active, powerful, and efficacious.

Now this LIFE that you see when you look up live is what I desire for myself, my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my acquaintances and even my enemies. If we skirt around the wildernesses and we avoid and push away the hard times…we miss the most beautiful time of growing closer to God, leaning on His understanding, learning from His teachings, and just spending time in our Daddy’s lap being comforted. EMBRACE these times that tear away our hard exteriors and kneel before our Father to truly experience what it means to LIVE. And remember,  Jesus didn’t enter the wilderness alone…He was led by the Spirit. We too are not left alone, but led there in order to create something more beautiful than was before.

In case your wondering, what does a wilderness time look like? It is different for everyone. A few of my personal wildernesses are 2 depressions, my body revolting against being in the sun at anytime, and developing food allergies to all foods. Without these I would not be who I am today, nor would my relationship with God have grown so much. Some others could be loss of job, loss of home,death of family members, struggles with children, surviving suicide, troubles in marriage, dealing with an illness personally or with a loved one…the list is endless. Think about what your wilderness experiences have been and praise God for loving us enough to take the time to chisel away the rough edges, to love us in all our awkwardness, to be patient with us as we gradually listen to Him.

Thank you Jesus for never giving up on us, for never throwing in the white towel and saying that’s it. But rather, you sought forgiveness for us from God declaring we do not know what we do. Oh to be even a little glimmer of who you are. Thank You for Your faithfulness, trustworthiness, and Your sovereignty. Even in the midst of our trials, You are in control…nothing comes to us that hasn’t been filtered through Your loving fingertips. In Your Son’s precious name Jesus, Amen.

Word Study:

Wilderness – G2048 erēmos: solitary, lonely, desolate, uninhabited place; when referring to persons – deserted by others, deprived of the aid and protection of others, especially of friends, acquaintances, kindred; abandoned –  a flock deserted by the shepherd, a woman neglected by her husband, from whom the husband withholds himself.

Hungry – G3983 peinaō: to hunger, be hungry, to suffer want, to be needy and metaphorically to crave ardently, to seek with eager desire

Live – G2198 zaō: to live, breathe, be among the living (not lifeless, not dead), to enjoy real life, to have true life and worthy of the name, active, blessed, endless in the kingdom of God, having vital power in itself and exerting the same upon the soul, metaphorically to be in full vigour, to be fresh, strong, efficient,  active, powerful, efficacious

God Break My Heart

Posted on by DSilvan

God ignited a burning fire within me like I had never experienced before. He took me on a wild ride that I’ve come to treasure. Like Paul, once the scales were removed Jesus took him into the desert for 3 years to teach Paul His ways…Jesus did that same thing for me. For 4 years, I took four individual bible studies simultaneously, slowing down only during summer to do one. He poured His word into me voraciously almost like a firehose on full blast and was busily replenishing what the locust had eaten over the years. Eventually, leaders noticed my craziness and they encouraged me to stretch myself to lead small groups: one in Stepping Stones and eventually becoming the leader of the Precept Bible Study ministry at Lakeside. I flourished in ways that I’m still trying to put into words because God continues to show me things from the past, that were to prepare me for the future, which is actually now my present. Like I said many times His weaving continues to amaze me. God used this time in my journey to establish His strong foundation and instill in me the strength to walk through the years that were to come. What He poured into me caught me up to speed, transitioned me from milk to solid food, clarified experiences I had walked through, and infused me with the strength to endure the hard travels ahead.

The next portion of my journey is really where the rubber meets the road. It’s where He’s going to give hands and feet to all the knowledge He’s placed within me. The knowledge will morph into wisdom by “doing” what He’s taught not just “knowing” it and collecting dust. At this time, Richard Stearn who wrote A Hole in the Gospel came to our church. I was inspired to take his challenge to pray a simple prayer, “God break my heart for what breaks Yours.” At this time I naively thought I’d be given the task to help in sex trafficking or maybe become active in World Vision. But rarely ever is the image I create in my mind ever the one God has envisioned for me. He began to break my heart in many areas. One place he broke my heart for was in regards to a certain prisoner. I continue to wrestle with God on what He wants me to do and if I heard Him correctly. This man was an elementary teacher in Folsom who was convicted of unthinkable crimes, but God keeps placing him on my heart. I’m still seeking His guidance on what to do because…Why? What am I to say? How? He’s in for life in a federal prison in Illinois? Although he will remain in a physical prison as a consequence to his choices, he could be freed spiritually and then empowered to guide others to Jesus. This adventure is yet to be completed. So I wait.

God continued to do many amazing things, teaching lesson after lesson, showing off with His mighty power, and yet, I reached a time where I acted like Elijah. After God supported me faithfully in so many different areas, I became exhausted and forgot to trust God. I ran away from leading groups after 8 years to hide as I traversed the worst times of my life so far.

 *Return to Faithfulness of God

His Word Heals

Posted on by DSilvan

When I’ve been taken to these dark places of depression, it’s important to understand that all self-confidence is stripped, all security is squashed, doing things alone becomes even more terrifying. So, thinking of jumping into a bible study with other people to be in His word was excruciating. The weekend right after encountering God encouraging me to read His Word, I entered church not really expecting much. But God had “A WORD” for me…specifically 17 words for me.

“For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7

Two days later on a Tuesday morning, I walked up the entrance stairs to Lakeside Church to attend a corporate woman’s Bible study known as Stepping Stones. The entire walk I recited, “I was not given a spirit of timidity but of power and love and discipline” over and over in my head and under my breath. However, I really wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs because all I felt was fear…fear had become my prison cell! Once inside I sat lonely at a table not knowing any one. I was a little town girl who had gone to church with the same 40 people who raised me in Sunday School. Now I was transitioning to a large church that housed 800-1500 at a time with 5 different services. Knowing people in this size of a church was not an easy feat. So when God sent a sweet, gentle soul in her faded blue overalls to welcome me with her carefree spirit, I felt at ease. She wrapped her arm around me and said you can join our group. She became my dearest friend, Shelly. I praise God for placing her in my life because she has helped me traverse the last 12 years of this journey. She is proof that God does have special angels for each of us that minister to our soul.

At some point after I started digesting His word again that suffocating darkness that attempted to swallow me disappeared as fast as it came. The fog dissipated and a renewing and restoring of my soul began . . . reading His word healed my soul. Over the summer I jumped into Beth Moore’s Believing God. And WOW! God had many words for me in that study. He helped me map out my journey with Him from the time I was little. He showed me the godly people He placed in my life to guide me. He showed me how I was living a cyclic life that resembled the Kings — call me Israel. Next, He proceeded to show me how my depressions were all spiritually related and how I resembled Nebuchadnezzar. I went through a time like Nebuchadnezzar where my reasoning would be taken, I’d be made to live as a wild animal, and my splendor would be gone. Only when I raised my eyes to heaven and acknowledged my God Most High would my sanity be given back, my happiness returned and I’d be restored to even greater than I was before. His ways are truly beautiful!

*Return to Faithfulness of God

#41 Words

Posted on by DSilvan

June 30, 2014

At Lakeside Church, Pastor Brad challenged us to write our story in 41 words like Apostle Paul in Galatians 2:20. I challenge you to prepare your #41words story.

Childhood believer, rebellious teen wanders. Wounded by bad choices. Pursued by darkness. Overwhelmed. Lonely. Anxious. Depressed. Suicidal. Demoralized. Awakened by humbling trials. Weeping prodigal encounters Jesus’ mercy. Rededicated. Long-suffering, Faithful God heals. Rescues. Restores. Redeems. Replenishes. Heart created for Prodigals.

Psalm 91:2
This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.

#Peacefilled #Joyful #UnconditionallyLoved #ForeverGrateful

He Never Leaves Nor Forsakes

Posted on by DSilvan

After dating for 4 years my high school sweetheart and I married at age 20, had our first daughter 6 months later and moved to L.A. away from all our family and friends. I was isolated with a newborn while my husband attended Los Angeles State University, played baseball and worked. My small town girl personality didn’t flourish in the big city environment. Seven months later I was hospitalized for 3 weeks with depression, atypical psychosis, and anxiety…basically they couldn’t explain what was happening. They were merely attempting to treat the symptoms.

My grandfather called me every night in the hospital to pray with me and for me. He sent me a small poster of “Footprints” and encouraged me that God was there, reminded me He was teaching me something and reassured me that I would be okay. At this point in time, I feared I would forget my entire family and dissolve into a state of unknowing, so I surrounded myself with their photos and tried to believe all would be okay like my grandfather said. I also experienced overwhelming feelings of needing to end it all, hearing the lie that everyone would be better off without me. At the end of the spring semester we moved back home so family could help us. The doctors placed me on a variety of medicines for 12+ months and sent me to counseling. However, nothing seemed to remove the darkness that had swallowed me.

While I was taking these heavy medications I found out I was pregnant. Life stopped. The doctors told me I had really only one option. I found myself trapped in the midst of a choice that went against God and all I ever believed. I wrestled with God and the doctor’s advice. I remember laying on the ground writhing in turmoil even the night before saying “I can’t do this.” At this place in my existence I believed doctors knew everything…I had to listen to them. Everyone around me was telling me that this was the right thing. No one was counseling me on trusting God and encouraging me to keep our baby. I hadn’t realized that the deep conflict within me, the entity I was wrestling with so strongly was the spirit within me. Therefore, the world won and my heart was left shattered. How could I ever forgive myself?

In brokenness, I ran back to church. During a service, I, the prodigal daughter, realized I had to return. I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. Tears poured down my cheeks as I cried out to my Father above. I didn’t deserve His forgiveness after what I’d done. I didn’t deserve His grace or mercy.  But inside my heart I knew He had never stopped loving me despite my failings. He was not going to leave me, nor forsake me. My fear of walking in front of the entire congregation was consumed and I desired to acknowledge publicly that Jesus was and is my only help…proclaiming Him and His goodness in front of everyone.

Although I had taken my inheritance of eternal life, spent it wildly like the prodigal son in the Bible, this time of difficulty is exactly what a hardheaded, stubborn, rebellious child needed in order to realize my way was vacant of everything I truly was designed for. Within the next few weeks the mysterious dark fog that terrorized me lifted…it left as quickly as it appeared.

I’m so grateful God included stories in the Bible of others who resemble some of the darkest parts of me.  Moses brought redemption to God’s people, led them out of captivity, mediated the Old Covenant, and wrote the Pentateuch (the first 5 books of the Bible)…even after choosing to kill the Egyptian who was beating a Hebrew brother God used him. And, David was an adulterer, a liar and a murderer, yet God called him a “man after His heart.”  In the midst of being a mighty man for God, he chose to do the unthinkable revealing yet again that he was far from being perfect. Although David sinned, he always loved God and would intentionally seek to turn back from his poor choices. I find comfort knowing that these same men struggled in their faith, yet God chose to put in ink how important their role in history is and His unending love for them.

“Thank you Jesus for paving the way with your perfect sacrifice so that I may receive forgiveness and enjoy a relationship with my Heavenly Father. Amen.”

*Return to Faithfulness of God 

 

Childhood Connections

Posted on by DSilvan

 

As a young girl growing up, my family’s conversations didn’t consist of attributing things to God, being taught how to pray to Him, seeking a relationship with Him, nor did we practice acknowledging when His provisions and protections were supplied. Because my father wasn’t a believer we didn’t go to church as a family. Mom didn’t want to go to church alone so she drove me a couple blocks to my grandparent’s church and dropped me off weekly for Sunday school. My grandparents always invited my 4 siblings and me to Christmas and Easter events. They surrounded me in God’s love and spoke to me of His ways while I gardened together with my grandpa, when I did Christmas crafts with my grandma, and while I visited and spent the night with them. I remember one specific time when I was around 5 or 6 years old lounging across the arm of their old blue tweed comfy chair with my feet dangling off the side near the grand piano. I asked them “What happens to everyone when I die? Is everyone still here? Does the world cease to exist? Where do I go?” I had a huge fear of death. Even though this was 44 years ago, I remember this moment as if it were yesterday. Unfortunately I don’t remember their answer, but I remember no longer being afraid of death and reassured all would be okay.

When I was 9 years old I began to have recurring terrifying nightmares. I would be inside my house while ghoulish amorphic beings on the outside would be taunting me, chasing me, terrorizing me, banging on my windows, racing around the house trying to break in. BUT they were NEVER successful. I struggled for years to understand what these nightmares were about and why I was tormented with them for my first 21 years of life.

In writing down God’s faithfulness, He reminded me of another fingerprint in my life. One blustery winter night all the lights had gone out in Folsom. My dad made a fire to give us light where we all could gather in the family room. During this time in my life, I still was haunted by the dark dreams and consequently the surrounding darkness terrified me. As I sat in the family room trying to push away my anxiousness, I glanced down our small hallway that was only 15 feet long. At the end there was a figure, a being that appeared like a human yet not, dressed in a flowing white robe, holding a staff in his right hand with wavy silvery white hair standing there. I couldn’t make out a face because all that was there was radiance, a brightness. Recalling this vision, my mind interprets the image of normal size because the image restrained itself in the height of our hallway, but the feeling emanating from it produced a sense of overwhelming stature, a feeling of transcendence. Peace flowed from Him and my fear dissipated. I still don’t know to this day what that vision was…did we read a scripture that week in Sunday school describing something like this so I imagined it or did God intercede during my time of fear. I don’t know, but after 40+ years it’s like yesterday. I logged it in my journalings as a time of building my faith. He stitches together so intricately the tapestry of our life to show us His activity, why we experienced the things He allowed, and what He wants to use it all for in our life and in the lives of others.

When I attended a Women’s Retreat in 2009 God allowed me to experience evilness again. At this time God revealed and gave me understanding about what happened throughout my earlier years. We traveled up to Zephyr Point Conference Center in Lake Tahoe. In the middle of the second night we were awakened by screaming. We flooded the hallways, called the nurses and began to pray around our beds. A woman had a seizure and her roommate was traumatized. All seemed normal as everyone filtered back to their rooms. Yet my stomach would not stop turning. It was like nothing I’d experienced before. I know what anxiety is. I know what panic is. I prayed for God to calm my soul…no relief. I opened the door to see what was in the hallway and the woman’s roommates were standing in the hallway terrified. I asked if I could pray with them and we did. They were calmed and left with lifted spirits. However, my stomach was not relieved.

I lay down in bed trying to find relief, but as soon as I shut my eyes those same ghoulish amorphic faces from my child hood flew forcefully at me…one right after the other. I was terrified. I was unsure of what was happening. I couldn’t shut my eyes because it wouldn’t stop. I was tossing and turning…I couldn’t sit in my room. My stomach was killing me and I was bothering my roommate. I resorted to walking the hallways when I stumbled across a pastor’s wife who prayed for me. She’d never experienced anything like what I shared. She kept thinking I was experiencing anxiety and just looked at me as if I were crazy…eventually offering to pray for peace since only God knew what was going on. After grabbing my Bible from my room I headed to the cafeteria to intentionally seek God in His word while watching the sun rise over Lake Tahoe.

I met with my small group for breakfast, the ladies I prayed around the bed with last night during the craziness. I shared the after effects I was experiencing and how I’d been awake since the ordeal. My small group leader’s jaw dropped, her eyes opened widely as she shared the nightmare she had involving me. When our other dear friend interjected, saying she had a dream that involved the two of us waging war in battle. We all were a little shaken by what we’d experienced. Suddenly we realized that we were interconnected in a way that we’d never encountered before. We spoke nothing more of it after breakfast.

That day I drove home and I couldn’t shake the intensity of what happened. When I arrived, I quickly darted to the safety of my peaceful and secure room, curling up on the bed. Weeping. Seeking understanding. Bewildered. I shared with my husband what had happened, but words didn’t seem to express nor convey the daunting terror that was left deep in my soul. I resorted to my comfort zone of researching. I bought books on spiritual warfare and began learning about this area I knew little about.

Although I couldn’t explain effectively what occurred, I knew I experienced the presence of darkness. God revealed that I had seen this from my earlier years and I came to understand that my dreams were showing me I’d been sealed with the Holy Spirit. Nothing could break into my home, yet these entities, this dark unseen world would encircle me, torment me, try to terrify me and destroy me, but I would be safe…it or they could never have me. My home, my person, my soul was secure because of my Savior. I understood more clearly than ever before what Paul spoke of in Ephesians 6:12 — 

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Spiritual Warfare came to life to me this weekend, my childhood experiences were brought into crisp focus and the journey to equip myself for battle began. Jesus already defeated our foe, therefore Satan has no power over us. However, we need to know our adversary so we are familiarized with his tactics and can counterattack when challenged. In the name of Jesus, we have the power to overcome the Prince of the air and his army each and every time. We need not fear him.

 Ephesians 1:13-14— And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,  who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

Romans 8:34-39— Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

1 Peter 5:8-9— Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith . . .

 Joel 2:28— And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.

*Return to Faithfulness of God 

Character • Not • Comfort

Posted on by DSilvan

January 18, 2011

I’ve experienced various trials in my few years. Many times I wrestle with evaluating whether they are important in relation to others whose are far worse. But whether my struggles appeared tiny or grand in comparison to others, they were personal to me, involved pain and left scars behind . . . they all are important. Don’t ever discount moments in your journey. On January 18, 2011, a few Scriptures were placed in my path that helped me regain my balance as I traveled down a dark road. They encouraged me to hold on . . . and they are one’s that have stuck with me for years. There are MANY more, but I’m starting here for these I’m reminded of often.
Malachi 3:3 “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver” (NIV).

God will direct my steps. Isaiah 48:10 “See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction” (NIV).

God will never leave me. Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze” (NIV).

God will always make a way for me. 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (NIV).

During one of these trying times I read a devotional written by Mary Southerland. It’s a Beautiful Picture of God’s Love . . .

The story is told of a group of women who met each week to study the Bible, hoping to learn more about the nature and character of God and how He works in our life. The women were puzzled and even a little troubled by the description of God they found in Malachi 3:3, “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.” One of the women offered to do a little research on the subject and report back to the group at their next meeting. The woman found a local silversmith and made an appointment to observe him at work, explaining that she was particularly interested in the process of refining silver. She watched as the craftsman carefully selected a piece of silver for his demonstration. She thought the piece of silver was already beautiful but evidently the silversmith saw something that she could not see. As he held the silver over the furnace, the craftsman explained that in refining silver, the silver had to be placed in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so all of the impurities would be burned away.

The woman was silent for a moment as her thoughts drifted to the fiery trials she was facing in her own life. Honestly, she did not get it. Why would a loving God allow His children to suffer when He could so easily deliver them? In fact, why does God even allow bad things to happen to people who are seeking Him and really trying to live for Him?

The woman asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. “Oh, yes!” he replied. “I cannot take my eyes off the silver. If it is left in the furnace even a moment too long, it will be destroyed.” The woman suddenly understood the beauty and comfort of Malachi 3:3, “He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”Yes, there are times when it seems as if we will be swallowed whole by the fires of Hell itself. The pain seems too hard to bear. The fear is paralyzing. The doubt is overwhelming and questions flood our heart and mind.

Is God really who He says He is?

Will He really do what He says He will do?

Will He really keep His promises?

Our trials are not random persecutions. Heaven is not in a panic and where we are and what we are going through is no surprise to God. We may be knocked down and kicked around by life, but if we have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, we will not be destroyed.

Our lives are filled with excess baggage and waste – a cherished sin we refuse to relinquish or an addiction to which we are enslaved. What about the emotional garbage that weighs us down or our unforgiving spirit that holds us prisoner? Fiery trials come to burn away the guilt of sin and then purify our heart. From those ashes of freedom, the Father then creates a work of beauty.

I believe the words I just wrote. I know and accept the truth that trials and hard times make me stronger and strengthen my faith, but there are times when I want it all to stop. I find myself asking, “How much is enough, Lord? How many trials do I have to endure? When will the pain and trouble end?”

“How do you know when the silver is fully refined?” the woman asked. The silversmith smiled and answered, “Oh, that’s easy. The refining process is complete when I can see my image reflected in the silver.”

God is not committed to our comfort. He is committed to our character. Only God can exchange the ashes of our sin for the beauty of His forgiveness and grace. God alone can replace our despair with His peace that passes all understanding. Hope can only be found in Him. Our purpose in life is to know and become more like Jesus … and act just like our Father. 

Let’s Pray
Father, I want to be more like You. Give me the strength to withstand the trials in my life. Help me love the people who are hard to love and forgive the people who have hurt and even abused me. Burn away the sin in my life and empower me to live for You. Create a clean heart in me, Lord, and teach me how to live for You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Now It’s Your Turn
Journaling is a powerful spiritual discipline and habit that I encourage you to cultivate this year. A journal can be a spiral notebook or leather bound book. You may write in your journal every day or once a week. Your entry can fill an entire page or one line. How you journal is not nearly as important as the fact that you journal.

Record new truths and insights God gives you as you read and study the Bible. Write your prayers and thoughts. Create a section in your journal where you can record the promises God gives you.

I encourage you to purchase a special journal that you can begin to write in. Record your prayers, thoughts, struggles, answers, lessons, revelations and “coincidences” (which I don’t believe in by the way…I choose to look at them as God Stops!) These writings can be stepping stones for your children, grandchildren, friends…they help build your faith and their faith as you all see God’s activity in your daily lives.

Repeated Echoes

Posted on by DSilvan

For 25 years I’ve searched and questioned my purpose here on earth.  Yes, I’m the wife to Bill for the past 28 years (32 if you count the 4 years we dated…high school sweet hearts.)  I embrace and love this role with all of my being and I can’t imagine my life without him.  Absolutely, I’m a mother of 4 amazing children who are young adults now…I’ve survived so far, hallelujah!  I’m grateful for the privilege to be a part of each of their lives and experience the abundant joy and fun they provide.  Amazingly, I’m a grandma, commonly referred to as GiGi.  Oh what a world of blessings this has been and continues to be…I can do cool things with them and send them back to their parents for discipline!  I’m also a decorator (which I love when there’s money); a chef (when inspired); a baker (which my kids & friends encourage me to open a Bakery and where my waistline suffers from my love of sweets, too); a painter/drawer of many of our wall hangings; and an avid student of the Bible along with other Christian writers.  My creativity and love for learning feeds my spirit.  BUT…something has always felt absent.  After all these great things in my life, I was left with an unanswered and lingering feeling of “wanting.”

This past year I began praying about my purpose again.  What was I designed to do?  Why after being so abundantly blessed did I feel a lacking.  I asked God to reveal what He created me for.  I asked Him to show me clearly so I wouldn’t be confused.  I didn’t want to fit in any other box than what He fashioned specifically for me.  I went to a S.H.A.P.E. workshop in February 2015 and began to understand how I was wired.  Secretly I flippantly tossed the idea around that maybe I was supposed to combine my love for creating, with my love for God’s word, along with the teachings I receive through life’s meanderings.  Obviously, to me, not up in front of a large crowd, but in a nonthreatening, behind the computer screen type of format.

In all my insecurity, I still wasn’t sure.  Then 2 months later, out of the blue without revealing to anyone my inward thoughts or having current conversations prompting anyone, strange happenings occurred.  People began to come up to me and say “Denise have you ever thought of writing books?”  “Denise have you ever thought of writing inspirational snapshots for a devotional book?”  “Denise with your gifts and talents I think you should try writing because when you write your emails they are inspiring, thought provoking and well put together.”  One night in reflecting after hearing all these repeated echoes, I looked towards the sky and said “God do you really want me to write?”  Peacefully, He laid down the 2×4 and I imagine there was a gentle giggle…”She heard Me.”

Three months later here I am beginning this journey.  Unsure of what to do because…yes, I’ve never done anything like this before.  However, I’m going to stick the tip of my quivering toe in before figuring it all out and give it a try.  Face my fears of being critiqued while I lay my soul, thoughts and wanderings bare to all.  That doesn’t sound intimidating at all, right?  It’s at this moment I wished I was wrapped in duck feathers so harsh words would roll right off my back like water.  Is it possible for me to slip inside a tortoise shell so any hurtful critiques will bounce right off.  So…I will begin to live out what we preach to our children “It doesn’t matter where you start, it matters where you finish!”  I might start off tattered, rugged, unpolished and inexperienced, but I hope somewhere around the middle and definitely by the end that at least one person will find and meet God in the midst of my words. I hope that they will encounter His gentle teachings and unconditional love for us that is everlasting!