The majority of the time, reflection over my life’s daily meanderings becomes a microscope that reveals God’s movement in my life.
For the past 6 months, God has been surrounding me with suggestions in a certain direction — Prayer.
By looking back through the months one can vividly see God guiding me in a laser beam direction: 1) Healing Prayer year long study, 2) War Room movie on prayer — inspired to pull out ALL my books on prayer, to journal specific prayers for each family member again, prompted to color code them to pin on a “Prayer Wall”, 3) Battle Plan for Prayer study, and 4) Power of a Praying Wife.
. . . God had me CHASING after prayer!!!
So here I sit . . .
Arriving late to my scheduled appointment with God on my back patio . . . BUT I’m HERE!
Not knowing where to start . . . BUT just starting!
I’ve prayed for years. Always spontaneously. Frequently for the good. Usually for all the bad in our life. Interceding for others but always feeling they were meager offerings. Always left with a longing . . . a deep desiring for more!
I want to leave a legacy of prayer.
I want to be a Power House of prayer.
I want to demonstrate for our children and their children, and their children’s children how FAITHFUL God is!!!
I want them to see me faithfully, diligently, persistently fighting for them in prayer!
All of this brings me to this morning . . . the first morning of the rest of my journey!
I’m a process oriented person. Scheduling everything out makes me feel completely in alignment. Yet, when it comes to my prayer life I’ve ALWAYS defended my free-spirited, pray whenever you want, don’t set a scheduled time to pray as a thing to check off my list attitude. I was adamant to not let it just be a “thing” to do, but rather shoot prayers up randomly when prompted.
Yet now, after some more learning, my first goal is to begin initiating a “scheduled” time to meet God. If King David set aside time in the evening, morning and afternoon . . . and . . . Daniel met with God 3 times a day . . . and . . . Jesus disciplined Himself to kneel with God early in the morning . . . SHOULDN’T I?
Why did I resist so vehemently to enact a scheduled time to sit with my Father when God repeatedly illustrated how important this is for us throughout Scripture?
Why did I cling to merely the spontaneous form of prayer?
Why did I settle for such a little taste of Him?
Don’t get me wrong. God LOVES my spontaneous prayer! BUT . . . I wanted MORE and He is showing me how to get there.
As I struggled at 0’dark to crawl out of bed, I hit my snooze every 9 minutes for one hour. I had missed sunrise, but I’m here!
God was faithful to paint a picture across the blank canvas of my mind while I wrestled with my desire to meet with Jesus bright and early. And, what I anticipated . . . the encounter I had hoped to receive . . . arrived in a different package than expected.
What I love about God is how He can speak VOLUMES into my soul within a matter of seconds. It’s like He immediately, concisely, and completely downloads His conversation into my consciousness with His gentle whisper. Then He let’s me unwrap His instructions, view His perspective and digest how my current situation relates. WOW! A•H•Mazing!
He’s always patient in letting His teaching meander and wander in my mind until my heart catches up and grabs hold. And if I’m being honest, the transferring of the information in the nerve endings of my brain can’t be done by myself. God must transport His truth into the fibers of my heart.
DISCLAIMER: I am FAR from perfect. I have way more areas for God to work on then are beautiful for others to imitate.
I don’t know what I was expecting God to talk to me about . . . but it wasn’t this.
I’ve been struggling with an area of being a godly wife…putting conditions on following God’s instructions to me as a wife as long as my husband does what God instructs him do in Scripture. In the midst of my pain, I’ve felt “justified” into allowing my hurt areas to usher me into times of disobedience.
Just for the record…this is NEVER wise to do.
Now, let’s move on to the metaphorical journey God took me on this quiet and cool morning.
My husband, Bill, and I took our grandkids to the Sacramento Zoo. We were having a GREAT time! A wonderfully fun time! Unfortunately, we informed our vibrant and animated granddaughter that we would not be able to go to Fairy Tale Town because WE, the older grandparents, were exhausted after our 5 hour Safari Adventure! And, we knew the kiddos were exhausted too as they were sprawled out in our wagon. We announced we would be back to visit Fairytale Town another day.
Well . . . needless to say. That did not go very well. According to her all the fun we just had . . . was now. . . HORRIBLE!!!
She cried. Screamed. Shook her hands in rebellion against our words. Acted out a grandiose 4 year old tantrum masterfully.
Immediately upon delivery of our words, she no longer remembered how she ran to see the salmon pink flamingos with bubbling excitement, how she giggled when the hedgehog jumped as she touched him, how captivated she was to feed the ENORMOUS giraffe, how she laughed at the Orangutan picking things off his girlfriend’s fur, or how she raced to see the screaming and screeching chimpanzees fight as she pushed her way to a front row seat with wide-eyes!!!
Instead, she laser beam focused on the ONE bad thing that happened and allowed the rest of the FANTASTIC adventure to be killed, destroyed and stolen from her fun chamber.
I was so frustrated! We just had an outrageous time at the zoo with animal watching, junk food eating, tons of ooo’s and ahhh’s, train rides and carousel rides. Why would she look at a tiny moment and allow it to deplete all that was good? Why would she let that one negative to steal the abundance of GOOD she had experienced?
Like I began with earlier, God plastered this image of my granddaughter having a tantrum as I wrestled to roll out of bed for my “newly” scheduled quiet time.
Why was this in my thoughts?
Is this what God had scheduled for our conversation today?
I decided to camp here for the next 20 minutes and then unpack it for the next few hours as I sat with God writing.
I remembered my feelings of frustrations, disappointment, anger, loss for words, confusion, yearning for her to not focus on the one bad thing BUT to embrace all the glorious encounters she was allowed to have. Clinging to the memories and fun laughs that were had. Remembering the beautiful and majestic animals we were allowed to see, smell, hear and touch.
And our dialogue began . . .
GOD:
In a gently, loving, nurturing and teaching whisper, God said “Exactly! Denise, stop shaking your fists at Me in a 4 year old’s dissatisfaction. Embrace the good! There is an abundance of “GOOD” in your life. In stomping around in this tantrum, pouting about what you don’t have, you are missing what else there is for you. You are alienating yourself from other fun-filled times.”
“Remember to place a magnifying glass on these good moments and allow them to flood your mind. Don’t let this one area of dissatisfaction kill, destroy and steal the 33 years of love and fun you’ve been given with your husband.”
“My timing is not ‘NOW’ for what you desire to take place.”
ME:
“That’s not fair. What about me? When is it my turn?” As the tears flooded my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I wanted to continue in argument, plead my case and shake my fists while screaming “I want what I want and I want it now!” A picture of Veronica from Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory popped into my head. I was behaving self-centered, spoiled rotten and ugly just like Veronica. UGH!!! Okay it wasn’t that bad, but it sure felt like it.
GOD:
“Do you see how Bill experiences frustration, disappointment, anger, loss of words, confusion, a yearning for you to not focus on the one bad area that needs work, but instead embrace all the magnificent areas he gets right? That you both get right!?”
ME:
Silent. . .
GOD:
“As you plan to take your granddaughter back to Fairytale Town for more fun and adventures at a time that is better for all involved . . . I, your Heavenly Father, am planning this for you. Please be patient and TRUST me. I have good adventures planned for you, too.”
“Understand the patience I have with you as you learn to accept this time of waiting like you did beautifully with your granddaughter. No longer shake your hands in rebellion, but quietly wait for My timing and trust Me.”
“Understand Bill’s experience of pain, bewilderment and confusion. Honor Me by loving him well.”
“Understand what I’m asking of you. Be obedient in this time of waiting. Love without conditions. Respect at all times. Be his helper always. Show My love as God’s child because you are Mine, not because someone has satisfied your conditions.”
“Most importantly, in order to do this, come to me BEFORE so I can fill you up, come to me DURING so I can guide you and come to me AFTER so I can replenish your strength.”
Okay. So that was pretty jaw dropping for my first scheduled prayer time!
It probably goes without saying . . . but this almost 50 year old, experiencing a 4 year old spiritual fit, is obviously going to be meeting with God often to make it through this time of waiting.
I LOVE God! I love His tender care of me. I love how He grabs my heart and teaches me through things I understand. I love how He’s willing to endure my 4 year old tantrums even after walking with him for almost 30 years. Always patiently waiting until I surrender and submit to Him . . . REPEATEDLY. I also love that He paired me with a humble, patient husband who is willing to stand on the battlefield as I figure this all out . . . all the while loving me unconditionally.
As my granddaughter shed tears for having to wait . . . I too experience the same.
I know God is faithful and true to His word for He has shown me time and time again. I’m choosing to TRUST Him in this area of waiting . . . until He says “Precious child, the time is NOW!”
Wherever you are, whatever you struggle with . . . seek your Heavenly Father. Hearing His words is a reassuring and soothing balm to your hurting soul . . . even when it’s for correction and redirection.
Father,
You are good, good, oh.
I need help. Heal my wounds and forgive my tantrumous ways.
My husband, my granddaughter, my family and friends need help.
Thank You for all You have done, all You are doing, and all You will do.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
I know I can’t be the only one out there who wrestles with things like this…but perhaps you have different areas. More difficult areas could be a fixation on drugs, alcohol, work, hobbies, pornography, affairs, really anything that steals time from you spending time with your loved one and leaves you feeling less than and not as important.
Through my longing to spend time with Bill, through desiring Bill to want to spend more time with me on his own not based on my demands, God teaches me how He feels in regards to my devotion and time with Him. And this last epiphany is probably the most important lesson learned.
Because of this, I merely decided to reveal the ugliness of my heart and it’s needed correction in loving Bill better . . . and . . . God better. I chose to share my encounter with God in this journal so future generations of ours will know difficult times come, but God is always there. Always Faithful! Always breathing life into your circumstances. Always showing you how what you’re wrestling with relates to your relationship with your Heavenly Father.
Praise you Father for your sovereignty in all circumstances!
his morning I was confronted by a quote by George Mueller that was beautifully painted by a woman artist. “The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.” I’ve had friends that have said “fear is the absence of faith.” I take offense to these little expressions. I believe these to be lies…lies from the enemy meant to cause even more pain than already exists in a broken body.
positive that comes from my private encounters with uncontrollable fear. This brokenness within me might have been intended to destroy, kill, disappoint, and discourage me, but instead I’ve been driven into the arms of my Savior. That’s true faith! My terror delivers me to my God. With each battle my trust in Him is strengthened. In my weakness, God is my strength!
my faith, practice courage and face my fear. They are faith workouts.
Why is it my heart is so ripe for teaching when I encounter pain? This moment taught me to be very careful not to wield the same sword. Many times we judge others in areas that we fall so vastly short. Sometimes we encounter painful situations or sandpaper people because God is placing a mirror up in front of us so we can see ourselves and how our interactions touch others. Be mindful of your ways, be compassionate, show mercy and above all else LOVE. Love covers a multitude of sins.
we lost our kids as they went through intense trials and warfare of their own: suicide attempt, homosexuality, drug using, stealing, arresting, NAB (Neighborhood Accountability Board) interventions, court appearances; we encountered marital conflicts over how to deal with issues. There was division in every relationship possible and simultaneously our health was attacked. I was exhausted! I wanted out! This is not what I signed up for! I loved God, read His word, fed His sheep, tried my best to follow Jesus’ ways and yet my life was filled with chaos…wasn’t life supposed to be smooth?
mourn over the many losses and grapple with understanding why He felt I could walk His children through these times graciously with unconditional love in the midst of all the judgment and stares. I don’t get His ways, I don’t like that it isn’t wrapped in a perfect beautiful box with a gorgeous bow…you know the elegant box that all are envious of. But I know in my heart that His way is better than the painting I have created…I just need to trust Him more. He has shown me that I am a prodigal. I understand prodigals and He knows exactly what He is doing by giving my children me as a mother. I am a prodigal raising prodigals. I understand them and I will love them despite of all their broken areas. It’s taken a while to get here, but He’s grown my faith immensely during these last 7 years.
making connections, showing me ways to fight, and surrounding and bombarding me in all directions on this topic of warfare. He’s been placing one verse on my heart repeatedly. Matthew 7:5 “…first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” But what He says to me is “first Denise learn how to fight My way successfully, and then you can help others do the same.” I don’t know what He has planned, but He has physically opened my eyes and everywhere I look I see brokenness, I see spiritual warfare, and I see wounded people unaware of how to fight this invisible foe that is very much present and what steps to take.
through a personal experience so that His lessons will be permanently tattooed onto my heart. Amazingly that’s what allows God’s glory to shine brightest because by doing this I can fully understand, gain compassion, drop all judgments, and become a high priest to a wounded soul during their journey that resembles mine. That’s how He brings beauty from our ashes, brings good from our pain, heals the wounds of the afflicted and helps release the captive from their prison.
believed that the closer I followed Jesus the smoother my life would be.
marriage began to suffer. Everything that had been good seemed to be spiraling out of control. God reminded me that Satan had challenged my faith. Was I only going to love God because of all the conveniences, beautiful, and comfortable things He’d given me? It’s easy to love God when life is good. I sensed the Spirit reassuring me that we had been given over for a time of sifting, a time of discipline, a time of purifying. God knew we would stand steadfast and proclaim our love for Him in the midst of the bad. He was on a mission to prove to Satan and those watching us that our faith is genuine, more precious than gold or any earthly thing. Waiting for the storm to pass, God surrounded me with multiple books on spiritual warfare and I began studying again. Learning how to fight the battle that I felt untrained to fight.
God loves us where we are. He doesn’t call us to clean up our act before we come to Him. He loves us, period. He also loves us enough to not leave us in our brokenness. But we don’t need to be afraid or intimidated by how we are going to clean ourselves up…we don’t change us. He’s the one who is on the mission to purify us from the inside out. He is the one who is working strategically behind the scenes to help our hearts line up with our outward actions. Our helper, our advocate, our trainer is His spirit within us…He walks with us, transforms us, reminds us, encourages us, and empowers us to live a different way.
Following and attempting to do what Jesus would do is excruciating at times. When every fiber in your body desires to do the exact opposite… grateful for His Spirit, His prompting, His reminding, His encouragement, His comfort, His words of understanding.
my flesh every ounce of me struggles with being willing to love in the midst of being hurt and of watching a loved one being betrayed. Lord help me be willing, help me chose to love, reveal yourself more within me so everyone will see less of me and see more of Your radiant image. For the good you see is not of me…it’s all of Him. Thank you Jesus for your overwhelming example, for your gentle encouragement to hand the pain over and lean into the power You provide to live like You…second by second, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, year by year.
In brokenness, I ran back to church. During a service, I, the prodigal daughter, realized I had to return. I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. Tears poured down my cheeks as I cried out to my Father above. I didn’t deserve His forgiveness after what I’d done. I didn’t deserve His grace or mercy. But inside my heart I knew He had never stopped loving me despite my failings. He was not going to leave me, nor forsake me. My fear of walking in front of the entire congregation was consumed and I desired to acknowledge publicly that Jesus was and is my only help…proclaiming Him and His goodness in front of everyone.