Tag: Testimony

Awkward Elephant In The Room

Posted on by DSilvan

My heart breaks for this topic. There’s a writing brewing deep inside . . .

Having an almost son-in-love who is black (although, I don’t look at him as a color) I have experienced racism first hand. We’ve gone to eat with his family and our family in Sacramento and the non-verbal looks we received blaringly spoke “Why are these white people with those black people…and why are these black people with those white people.”

As if we are different people.

Extremely uncomfortable.

This was the awkward elephant in the room no one would acknowledge, but clearly it stood there waving his trunk and flapping his ears. The racist undercurrent was so strong you could almost feel it rushing forcefully through the room, violently wrapping around your legs waiting to suck you under. This was 2 years ago.

We’ve also experienced this with our other son-in-love who is Hispanic (struggling for the last 7 years to come to the US.) My eldest daughter is in San Francisco today seeing our 5th lawyer who is going to be “the one.” This “one” loves taking challenging cases and winning. My prayer is that God finally placed a lawyer in our path who can help devour the red tape and daunting paperwork that the government has asked us to maneuver through…all within a cost we as a family can afford.

In reflection, I grew up in a small town that had only 1 black boy at my high school. I didn’t view myself as racist. Yet, I would switch to the other side of the road innately…just as in the story of the good Samaritan. Where did this come from? It’s not like I had a bad experience that tainted my view and shaped my perspective. I would make racist comments, say racial jokes and say stereotypical slurs that if said directly to someone would pierce their hearts. Until my children called me on it.

Where did this come from? Why was it there? Perplexing.

As I read this article (link below) and having pondered on my feelings over these last weeks, I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t say there is still something hidden deep within my soul…I’m able to push it down…I’m able to move beyond it…BUT IT’S THERE. Even if it’s only faintly existing now like the morning mist in the early morning.

This morning I asked, “Why is this still a problem? Why haven’t things changed drastically for the better? Why do these lies remain?”

I realized I’m only 1 generation from a heritage of extreme racism that moved here to the West from the deep South. ONLY ONE. I’ve been a tiny bit removed from the dark lies so it’s faintly and slowly dissipating in me. Although I’m more “accepting” than my forefathers, racist tendencies still raise their ugly head in my heart. It’s like an ingrained fear that’s been etched into my fibers from the repeated lies I was told growing up… “THESE” people are……. “THOSE” people do this……. you fill in the blank you were told.

Do you have any hidden lies that lay secretly dormant but are quietly forming your reactions?

I’m grateful that through the refining of my being, by my girls challenging me to see with a different perspective, the lies that are like deeply grooved carvings in my belief system have been diminishing. They’re gently being sanded down so I can see clearly. I’m able to rationalize that just because one black man/woman does evil DOES NOT therefore mean ALL black people are bad. And, the same for those who are Hispanic.

Not every Hispanic or black man is in a gang, a drug lord, or a dead beat wanting to live off the system. Most of the time they are hard working humans looking to escape an oppressed country/culture and give their family a better life. They are metaphorically prisoners of the place or color they were born into fighting against a system that does not make it easy to jump out of and better themselves.

Our girls have unknowingly been breaking down the racism thread in our family. They are the SECOND GENERATION from the highly racist viewpoints. They had parents that being 1 generation removed didn’t brainwash them as intensely through fear into seeing certain colors as bad people…so they have hardly any segregating grooves to refine. They have put racism in the forefront of the older generations to face and confront. Desensitizing their irrational fears and providing a new point of reference for them to experience people through their heart instead of their color.

This has been amazing. Most of the time it’s in a good way. However other times racist comments are made in jest (and, I cringe), stereotypical sayings are said behind backs (and, my heart breaks), racial jokes are made (and, I remember where I was.) These times merely reveal that the older generation’s hearts have not yet acknowledged the ugliness that still lies beneath the murky waters of their broken soul, just like was the case in mine. More compassion, understanding and willingness to see from a different perspective will continue to help bring to completion the good work God has started within our family to break down barriers.

When you hesitate to introduce a loved one to your elders, I think it’s quite easy to admit RACISM still exists. If you would be mortified if your daughter or son brought home a black/Hispanic fiance, you must admit RACISM still exists. We can ignore it when it’s not in our neighborhood, in our back yard, or right inside our home. But when it touches your life personally and you experience it first hand you must admit racism exists…not admitting it’s existence would be complete foolishness.

One of my daughters always says “Acknowledging the problem is the beginning of recovery.” We first have to see it and admit it. Then, we can make intentional choices to change the landscape of the world around us. One relationship at a time.

We must remove the broad brushstroke that was used to teach us about people who are different looking than us and instead choose to look to a person’s heart. We might not be able to cause BIG change on a large scale, but in every person we encounter, we can make a BIG difference in their life by loving them. And if all of us did that, what a great world we would live in.

Love. One. Another. John 13:34

Father, God I pray You will remove the scales from everyone’s eyes and allow them to see one another the way You see them…with unconditional love. May You give us all a healed heart from all the wounds and lies. Father, allow everyone, black, brown, yellow, white, blue to receive Your love. A deep unending love from a Faithful Father Who adores His precious and treasured children. I pray You transform our pattern of thinking from believing the lies and viewing one another as “these people” and “those people” but instead enable us to be one Nation, united as one to do mighty things for You and to glorify You in all that we do. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

We. Have. Hope.

God has shown His power in the past. He can move mountains and part seas that seem unmovable. He can restore and resurrect where division and death have occurred. Trusting in His faithfulness, omnipotence and sovereignty.

Here’s the article I read on FB.  This outpouring was ignited from these words…

Screen Shot 2016-07-12 at 12.10.06 PM

Roaring Lion Within

Posted on by DSilvan

Seriously…these images were ALL AROUND me! EVERYWHERE. The saying on the photos was irrelevant (rarely fitting what I heard from God). So, I edited them and placed wording on them that God spoke to me.

Back on April 27, 2016 God began surrounding me with images of Lions and Tigers.

The searing images are what God used to speak to me…instantly… deep within my soul. I am small, but HE is the Immense, Regal, Powerful, Protective Lion within…embrace what He says about you and allow the shadow of Him, the reflection of Him, touch the lives of all you encounter. “Denise, let Me have all of you. Let Me reign in every area of your life. BELIEVE all that I say about you. Then, your simple human form will reveal the Mighty Ruling King you serve. Let Me reign within you and God’s presence will be known”

Sitting in AWE.

Does He hit you from all directions, too?

I love it when this happens! When He drives home a point. Encountering Him like this is beautiful! I’m always left craving more.

In addition to the images, He surrounded me with music that He used to tie all the photos up beautifully with…like a magnificent wrapped gift tied with a silky red bow waiting for me to unwrap all that He had for me.

God spoke clearly each time that He is the Lion within me . . . How do I see myself? Challenging me,  “Denise, believe what I say about Me and what that means for you.”

How do you see yourself? Choose to believe the truth! 

Claiming what God has made true about me because of Jesus in me will be a life long journey. The reality of it is that the thief, the prince of this world, the serpent from days past, comes to speak lies with his forked tongue… you are unworthy, you are good for nothing, you are useless because of the things you struggle with or the things you’ve done in the past, you are unforgivable, you are poor, you are ugly, you are fat, you are too skinny, you are this, you are that, you are . . . — you fill in the blank with whatever the enemy whispers in your ear to tear you down. Those are lies! Believe in God’s truth about you. That’s what matters.

These lies that torment me come from many places. The world has warped my thinking; the enemy has used bullies, a critical parent and harsh people to tear me to shreds; as well as, my own faulty perceptions twisting me in to knots. Fighting against these lies and replacing them with God’s truths takes diligence to change the voice within my mind and transform the pattern of my thinking. With God’s help this is possible!

This entire year, God has been chiseling into the flesh of my heart His truths about me because of His Son.  I’ve KNOWN them in my mind, I’ve READ them for years . . . but many times I don’t EMBRACE them and then my behavior doesn’t portray them accurately because they haven’t traveled to my heart. I have to repeatedly REMIND myself Who I belong to and what that means about me.

I read a timely devotional on May 1 . . . clearly God had some words for me during these past 5 days. Read below and see what it says to you?

What you are about to read ties in with a past post I wrote when God downloaded my identity a fresh. Check it out here: Identity in Christ.

Sharon speaks of much of what my heart has walked through.

April 27, 2016
You Are Who God Says You Are
Sharon Jaynes

Today’s Truth
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! (1 John 3:1 NIV)

Friend to Friend

I became a Christian when I was a teenager. But even after I made a commitment to follow Christ, feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and inadequacy clung to me like a spider’s sticky web. The dirge of “I’m not good enough” was a song I couldn’t get out of my head. The lies of the enemy created limitations in my life. They were the barbed wire that fenced me in and kept God’s best at bay.

The problem was, I had no idea who I was, what I had, or where I was as a child of God. Oh, I understood that I was going to go to heaven when I left this earth, but what I was supposed to do until I got there had me stumped. I felt that I was always disappointing God, and I was certainly a disappointment to myself.I tried the best I could to be the best I could be, but always fell short.

Eventually I joined the ranks of thousands of Christians before me who settled in the land of in-between: saved from my Egypt—the penalty of sin in the hereafter, but worlds away from my Promised Land—experiencing the abundant life in the here and now. I settled into a stagnant faith, a safe faith, the stuck faith with other defeated believers who falsely saw themselves through a filter of past sins and failures, rather than through the lens of their new identity as a child of God.

After high school I went to college where I met and married an awesome Christian man. About four years later, I became a mom. Life was good, except for this termite-like gnawing in my gut that I just didn’t quite measure up to all the other church moms with their smiling faces. (I wonder if you’ve ever felt that way too.)

I walked around with the fear that one day I would be found out—that one day folks would figure out that I wasn’t all I was cracked up to be. I lived under an undefined self-imposed standard of approval.

Childhood echoes of “you’re so ugly” and “what’s wrong with you” and “you can’t do anything right” left me feeling congenitally flawed. I sat in Bible study groups like someone in a hospital waiting room: hoping for the best but expecting the worst. My greatest fear was that I’d be no closer to being free of the insecurity than I was before the study began.

When I was in my mid-thirties, I sat under the teaching of an older woman in my church, Mary Marshal Young. She opened my eyes to the truths in Scripture about who I was, what I had, and where I was (my position) as a child of God. I had read those verses scattered throughout Scripture before, but when she encouraged me to cluster them together into one list, God began a new work in my heart.

You are a saint.

You are chosen.

You are dearly loved.

You are holy.

These truths were right there on the pages of my Bible in black and white and a few in red.

You are reconciled through Christ’s life.

You are justified by Christ’s blood.

You are free from condemnation through Christ’s death.

You have the mind of Christ.

You can do all things through Christ.

I knew the verses were the infallible Word of God, but I felt rather squeamish hearing them, reading them, believing them.

They didn’t feel right.

They didn’t sound right.

They made me downright uncomfortable.

And all the while I was studying about my true identity, the devil taunted me with accusations. Who do you think you are? A saint? Are you kidding? This stuff might be true for some people, but it certainly is not true about you.

One day God asked me an important question—one that He is asking you right now. Who are you going to believe?

I was at a crossroads, one you might be standing at this very moment. Was I going to believe God and begin seeing myself as God saw me, or was I going to continue believing the lies of the enemy and the echoes of my past? Was I going to remain stuck in a stagnant faith because I was too insecure to take a step toward the abundant life that Jesus had promised, or was I going to march confidently around the walls of my inadequacies until they came tumbling down?

Finally, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. “God, I’m going to believe I am who You say I am,” I prayed. “I don’t feel it. I can barely think it. But I’m going to believe Your Word is true for me and about me.”

And that’s what I’m challenging you to do today. Let go of your insecurities and take hold of your true identity. Will you join me? If so, click over to my Facebook page and say, “I’m taking hold!”

I encourage you to pray with me —
Heavenly Father, I bring myself before You. I thank You for choosing me to be your child, for calling me Your beloved, and loving me just as I am. Today, I ask that You loosen from me all the lies I have believed and ask that they no longer be part of me.  Help me choose to believe that I am who You say that I am—a holy, dearly loved, child of Yours who is equipped by You, empowered by the Holy Spirit, and enveloped in Jesus Christ.  Father, when my faith waivers, and unbelief sneaks in, quickly remind me that I am who You say I am.  Lead me not into the temptation of doubting, but deliver me from my wrong thinking, from the lies the enemy throws at me and replace the deceitful words with Your truth about me. Enable me to be the child You’ve created me to be!  And in the process of changing the patterns of my thinking, may I bring glory to You!

In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.

Here is the song that just pierced my heart! Enjoy!

God’s Not Dead ~ Newsboys

 

 

 

Invisible Foe

Posted on by DSilvan

As I was floating through this quiet period, I didn’t realize the storm that was brewing. We were heading directly into a battle for our lives and our children’s lives…this time I call our Job experience. Our finances were cut down to 30% of our normal income; we lost our cars; we lost our home after 20+ years of owning; we struggled to hold onto a business which eventually we lost; metaphorically we lost our kids as they went through intense trials and warfare of their own: suicide attempt, homosexuality, drug using, stealing, arresting, NAB (Neighborhood Accountability Board) interventions, court appearances; we encountered  marital conflicts over how to deal with issues. There was division in every relationship possible and simultaneously our health was attacked. I was exhausted! I wanted out! This is not what I signed up for! I loved God, read His word, fed His sheep, tried my best to follow Jesus’ ways and yet my life was filled with chaos…wasn’t life supposed to be smooth?

You see God had encouraged me earlier to read Job on my own. So I did. I studied it diligently. Picked it apart. Immersed myself in it. Not knowing what lay ahead in our future. So when I found myself here, I was determined to Praise God through the bad like Job did. It was if God said,

“Denise this is in your future, I’m preparing you, remember to praise me. You can do this. Understand that Satan has requested a time to sift you and I have approved it and I know you will rise to the challenge. Remember, I’ve only given him permission to go so far.”

During this time I worked hard to stay positive, sometimes I soared on eagles wings, while other times I was pulled through the quagmire of mud just trying to hold on to the edge of Jesus’ robe. I wrestled with trust issues with God and searched for His fingerprints in every episode. I continue to mourn over the many losses and grapple with understanding why He felt I could walk His children through these times graciously with unconditional love in the midst of all the judgment and stares. I don’t get His ways, I don’t like that it isn’t wrapped in a perfect beautiful box with a gorgeous bow…you know the elegant box that all are envious of. But I know in my heart that His way is better than the painting I have created…I just need to trust Him more. He has shown me that I am a prodigal. I understand prodigals and He knows exactly what He is doing by giving my children me as a mother. I am a prodigal raising prodigals. I understand them and I will love them despite of all their broken areas. It’s taken a while to get here, but He’s grown my faith immensely during these last 7 years.

After two years of hiding and many attempts to bring me back, I finally accepted a dear friend’s invitation to a Daniel study. The first 3 weeks of the study, He fanned into flame a renewed energy. He once again immersed me into doing two studies. He divinely placed two books out of nowhere to read simultaneously—all 4 intertwined with some aspect of warfare. In His ways, He’s awakened me to the spiritual warfare that has been always present in my life from the time I was little. He’s busy making connections, showing me ways to fight, and surrounding and bombarding me in all directions on this topic of warfare. He’s been placing one verse on my heart repeatedly. Matthew 7:5 “…first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” But what He says to me is “first Denise learn how to fight My way successfully, and then you can help others do the same.” I don’t know what He has planned, but He has physically opened my eyes and everywhere I look I see brokenness, I see spiritual warfare, and I see wounded people unaware of how to fight this invisible foe that is very much present and what steps to take.

I’m so grateful that He’s allowed me to see His activity in my life. Although it’s not usually at that moment, He eventually weaves a thread throughout that helps pull everything into perspective. I’ve realized that He uses a lot of “dual referencing” in my life. Most times it’s not something I’m aware of as a “foreseeing as to what’s down the road” but rather I notice it in an after the fact “oh, that’s why He had me do that study in order to prepare me for this stretch of my journey.” In past experiences, He uses these references to explain through a biblical story why something happened in my life, connecting the dots and bringing everything full circle. Through my life experience He brings those 2 dimensional Bible characters into a real life 3D play with current day participants… my loved ones, enemies and me. I’ve come to understand and accept that I won’t just learn the principles behind the bible stories by merely reading them. God knows I learn best when He allows me to walk them out through a personal experience so that His lessons will be permanently tattooed onto my heart. Amazingly that’s what allows God’s glory to shine brightest because by doing this I can fully understand, gain compassion, drop all judgments, and become a high priest to a wounded soul during their journey that resembles mine. That’s how He brings beauty from our ashes, brings good from our pain, heals the wounds of the afflicted and helps release the captive from their prison.

This brief segment in our journey has not been easy at all. But when someone is training to run a successful race there must be a ton of conditioning and strenuous workouts to build stamina, endurance, and strong muscles. Trust is like a muscle… as God gives me opportunities to exercise my trust in Him, my faith get’s stronger and I’m able to persevere. I’m so grateful for all that He has done, all that He is doing, and eagerly anticipating all that He will do in my life.  Look for His fingerprints in your life because He encourages you through them!

*Return to Faithfulness of God

Judgment Chisled Away

Posted on by DSilvan

A dear friend, Shelly, asked me if I’d brainstorm with her about the S.H.A.P.E. workshop she was leading. This class is based off the book written by Erik Rees, “S.H.A.P.E.: Finding and Fulfilling Your Unique Purpose for Life.”   I was excited. In February 2015, I took this workshop and God helped me understand so much more about how He wired me. All of sudden I could embrace parts of me that had always baffled and confused me or made me feel inferior to others. He dialed into sharper focus how He’d been shaping me. I began to see with a different perspective why quite possibly I’d been allowed to walk through many difficult times in such rapid succession. In this workshop God redefined in my mind what teaching could look like for an introvert . . . one who is more comfortable behind a monitor screen rather than on a stage in front of many people. Enthusiastically I shared that it would be amazing if Shelly had someone share their testimony in the “Experience” part of the workshop. Illustrating how God had pulled together their Spiritual gifts, Heart/passion, Abilities, Personality, and Experiences to make an impact because that’s exactly what God had begun to do for me — it was life giving. Shelly thought it was a great idea! However, I didn’t realize that I had already been the unnamed friend she shared in the workshop previously. Now my life would become the visual aid through my lips . . . not high on an introvert’s bucket list.

I prayed about this opportunity. I wrestled with my fear about being authentic and open in a public forum. Writing and sharing behind the protection of a computer screen fits more in my wheel house for a shy introvert.  Standing in front of 75 people speaking to them with all their eyes intently focused on me was NOT high on my radar. Then, I encountered a personal attack on my newly established battlefield. I quickly wanted to retreat…I reevaluated whether I should accept this challenge . . . what good could come from me laying my heart bare and opening myself up for wounds. God gently walked in, helped me humble my heart to the offender and encouraged me to be Bold and Courageous, to be True to who He had created me to be, and to seek to please Him and only Him not man. I accepted. Here is what God taught me through my journey in unwrapping my SHAPE:

On the outside, I was a nice, helpful, good person.  I am a recovering perfectionist who looked the part of a “good” Christian: going to church, reading my bible, praying, serving, and teaching my children God’s ways.  However, in the darkest crevices of my heart I was judgmental. Very judgmental.  I didn’t understand people who wrestled with adultery, homosexuality, stealing, drug addiction, pornography, murder and more.  One area I was especially good at was judging parents. It was obvious why their children struggled and faced dire consequences: they didn’t spend time with them, show them love,  be a stay at home parent, and raise them in the church to know and follow Jesus?  If they had done these things, or a majority of them, it would be a different story.  I believed that nurture beat out nature all the time.  I believed that the closer I followed Jesus the smoother my life would be.

Are you angry yet? Are you laughing? I hope you’re praying for me to understand God more fully and love more unconditionally because I haven’t arrived and I still need His help every day. I hope you realize, all that I just spoke about in the previous paragraph are LIES. They were symptoms from viewing everything though imperfect lenses. Frankly, I find it repulsive now. But then, that’s what made me feel I had life figured out. I could judge everyone on everything I had no struggles with while ignoring ALL the areas I fell so profoundly in.

Although sharing my life in this tattered and marred package is difficult, it illustrates how God’s grace and the Holy Spirit’s power have been transforming me into a different person today.  By standing back and recognizing where He’s brought me, I’m given great hope for where He’s taking me.

At Lakeside Church, I began an intense 4-year Bible study journey where I was in 4 different study groups simultaneously year round.  God was going to transform and renew my thinking . . . He was busy replenishing and restoring what the locusts had eaten, changing what the world had warped within me and annihilating my flesh by putting to death the “old me” and creating the “new me.”  In hindsight I see how my abilities, passions, and spiritual gifts were intertwining.  As a child I loved to study.  It energized me.  I LOVED. LEARNING. Combine that with my gifts of knowledge, wisdom, prophecy and teaching and I understood now why I was wired this way.  I couldn’t know enough or learn enough.  I researched endlessly to understand His Word.  Then, I wanted to run out and share all that God had poured into me.

However, after learning so much I was confused why I didn’t love others well because God is Love?  It was around this time when I was prompted to pray a prayer for God to “Break my heart for what breaks His” by Richard Stearns who wrote The Whole in Our Gospel. I don’t recommend this unless you are ready for LIFE-CHANGING experiences. Because God brings it when we pray like this! Many experiences that broke His heart began emerging and they broke my heart, as well.

Looking back through Jesus’ expedited training program, a few studies stood out that had really impacted me and those combined with my experiences produced a wealth of wisdom. Much of what I read in His Word was solidified by what He taught me as I walked each trial out with Him.

Hebrews taught me of faith, but most importantly how God disciplines His children.  We can take comfort from knowing that discipline is proof that we are legitimate children of God.  Even though it’s unpleasant at the time, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace if we’re trained by it.  Then 1 Peter talked of suffering and understanding there will come a time when we face a fiery ordeal that seems strange, but remember to rejoice that we participate in Christ’s sufferings.  Finally the biggest was when the Spirit encouraged me to study Job on my own.  God taught me that sometimes trials come that can’t be explained, but understand that nothing has come to us that hasn’t been filtered through His fingers first.  God wasn’t surprised by what our future held.  In fact He’d allowed it for a divine purpose. All the studying I did created a firm foundation for me to stand on when the storms came. The wealth of wisdom that He gave me through these trials can be shared to strengthen others when they face similar battles.

Our Job experience began shortly after I read all Job penned in the Bible. My husband was a full commission salesman and when the economy plummeted in 2011 so did our finances.  We began making 30% of our normal income.  Eventually our home was foreclosed.  We lost a car.  We lost a business we’d started.  Our children floundered from the drastic changes in our lifestyle.  We entered various trials due to bad choices they resorted to in order to cope.  And we came face to face with some of their fleshly battles that were suddenly revealed.  Then my husband’s and my health came under attack. My husband developed Bells Palsy and his face remains paralyzed and I lost hearing in my right ear for no known reason, lost my sense of smell and developed stomach issues that doctors could not explain.  Eventually our marriage began to suffer.  Everything that had been good seemed to be spiraling out of control.  God reminded me that Satan had challenged my faith.  Was I only going to love God because of all the conveniences, beautiful, and comfortable things He’d given me?  It’s easy to love God when life is good.  I sensed the Spirit reassuring me that we had been given over for a time of sifting, a time of discipline, a time of purifying.  God knew we would stand steadfast and proclaim our love for Him in the midst of the bad.  He was on a mission to prove to Satan and those watching us that our faith is genuine, more precious than gold or any earthly thing.   Waiting for the storm to pass, God surrounded me with multiple books on spiritual warfare and I began studying again.  Learning how to fight the battle that I felt untrained to fight.

Another part of my purpose began to emerge. I was being trained to see our spiritual battle and how to stand against the enemy that we cannot see, but most assuredly lurks around seeking to devour us.

When I wrote this for the SHAPE workshop we had been on our journey of healing and restoration for 3.5 years.  God walked through the fire and raging waters with us and now He’s bringing beauty from the ashes.  Now . . . 7 years past this extremely difficult season in our life, God HAS RESTORED! We have purchased a new home something we struggled to believe we would ever be able to do again. We bought a new car, too (well, “new” to us ~ used is the only way to go.)  Our kids are for the most part on the other side of life-changing choices. God told me in Job that He WOULD restore doubly what was taken. He gave me HOPE to hold on to. I clung to that though many told me I was foolish to believe that as a promise. They would say our replenishment would most likely be in heaven. I chose to ponder on the word I felt God spoke into my heart while taking this journey. He’s been faithful to all He told me. What others miss when I say God told me He’d “restore doubly”, is that I don’t view this as necessarily a monetary promise.

Throughout this journey God has changed our perspective on the “American Dream.” Having a house to live in that doesn’t overwhelm us in debt, enjoying our children overcoming their struggles and blossoming, changing our perspectives on what is truly important, being freed from the captivity of worrying about what others think or say about you or your family is being restored doubly. We have more than money could ever buy. For this I am grateful.

All these life experiences have taught me to love unconditionally better and judgment was brutally chiseled away.  My heart breaks for parents when their children make poor choices because I’ve worn that shame and heard the judgmental whispers despite doing everything right, or at least trying my best at the time.

In truth, these moments taught me how what I do as a child of God does reflect poorly on my Father to those who do not know Him. But my bad choices don’t define who God is, they actually reveal where I am in relation to Him (far or close to Him.)  What breaks my Heavenly Father’s heart is seeing the lies I’m choosing to believe about myself, me getting caught in the lies of the world and getting lost, and not embracing how much He loves me . . . I understand all this now for He let my heart get broken as a parent.

I no longer want to be like Job’s friends anymore, judging and assuming why something is happening when only God knows because I’ve experienced that pain from the murderous whispers spoken in ear shot.

I lean towards the “nature” side. Whether the ugly blemishes are hidden within our heart or worn on the outside for everyone to see, it’s all brokenness. It’s in our nature.

The depressions, anxiety and fear I was allowed to battle and endure gives me deep compassion for those with similar stories.

How I view prisoners or drug addicts has taken a 180-degree turn.  Because of the work God has done in my heart, I find myself loving the outcasts, the lost, the wounded, those that the world has given up on and calls losers or zeros.  This was never part of my character before, but our God works miracles!  He loves a ragamuffin like me and He never gives up!

He’s been molding my heart to fit the purpose he designed me for.  My heart beats to know our amazing God better, to teach others about His unending faithfulness, to help others to be strong in their faith during trials and to equip others to stand firm against the spiritual battles we face.  God’s plan to teach this child His ways was not an easy one, but the beauty God has brought from it makes it all worth while.  We serve a great and mighty God.

I’m hoping after meandering through my story you were able to see how God intertwines our S.H.A.P.E. (our spiritual gifts, our heart and passion, our abilities, our personality and our experiences) to create a purpose for us to bring glory to His name. Our purpose isn’t supposed to look like anyone else because He has created us uniquely and specifically for His purpose

God loves us where we are. He doesn’t call us to clean up our act before we come to Him. He loves us, period. He also loves us enough to not leave us in our brokenness. But we don’t need to be afraid or intimidated by how we are going to clean ourselves up…we don’t change us. He’s the one who is on the mission to purify us from the inside out. He is the one who is working strategically behind the scenes to help our hearts line up with our outward actions. Our helper, our advocate, our trainer is His spirit within us…He walks with us, transforms us, reminds us, encourages us, and empowers us to live a different way.

After years of struggling to BE who God wanted I had learned to look the part on the outside to keep up external appearances, to be a great Pharisee of today. While my tattered heart in all it’s ugliness was hidden away. God was after my heart. The heart is where it starts.

God Break My Heart

Posted on by DSilvan

God ignited a burning fire within me like I had never experienced before. He took me on a wild ride that I’ve come to treasure. Like Paul, once the scales were removed Jesus took him into the desert for 3 years to teach Paul His ways…Jesus did that same thing for me. For 4 years, I took four individual bible studies simultaneously, slowing down only during summer to do one. He poured His word into me voraciously almost like a firehose on full blast and was busily replenishing what the locust had eaten over the years. Eventually, leaders noticed my craziness and they encouraged me to stretch myself to lead small groups: one in Stepping Stones and eventually becoming the leader of the Precept Bible Study ministry at Lakeside. I flourished in ways that I’m still trying to put into words because God continues to show me things from the past, that were to prepare me for the future, which is actually now my present. Like I said many times His weaving continues to amaze me. God used this time in my journey to establish His strong foundation and instill in me the strength to walk through the years that were to come. What He poured into me caught me up to speed, transitioned me from milk to solid food, clarified experiences I had walked through, and infused me with the strength to endure the hard travels ahead.

The next portion of my journey is really where the rubber meets the road. It’s where He’s going to give hands and feet to all the knowledge He’s placed within me. The knowledge will morph into wisdom by “doing” what He’s taught not just “knowing” it and collecting dust. At this time, Richard Stearn who wrote A Hole in the Gospel came to our church. I was inspired to take his challenge to pray a simple prayer, “God break my heart for what breaks Yours.” At this time I naively thought I’d be given the task to help in sex trafficking or maybe become active in World Vision. But rarely ever is the image I create in my mind ever the one God has envisioned for me. He began to break my heart in many areas. One place he broke my heart for was in regards to a certain prisoner. I continue to wrestle with God on what He wants me to do and if I heard Him correctly. This man was an elementary teacher in Folsom who was convicted of unthinkable crimes, but God keeps placing him on my heart. I’m still seeking His guidance on what to do because…Why? What am I to say? How? He’s in for life in a federal prison in Illinois? Although he will remain in a physical prison as a consequence to his choices, he could be freed spiritually and then empowered to guide others to Jesus. This adventure is yet to be completed. So I wait.

God continued to do many amazing things, teaching lesson after lesson, showing off with His mighty power, and yet, I reached a time where I acted like Elijah. After God supported me faithfully in so many different areas, I became exhausted and forgot to trust God. I ran away from leading groups after 8 years to hide as I traversed the worst times of my life so far.

 *Return to Faithfulness of God

His Word Heals

Posted on by DSilvan

When I’ve been taken to these dark places of depression, it’s important to understand that all self-confidence is stripped, all security is squashed, doing things alone becomes even more terrifying. So, thinking of jumping into a bible study with other people to be in His word was excruciating. The weekend right after encountering God encouraging me to read His Word, I entered church not really expecting much. But God had “A WORD” for me…specifically 17 words for me.

“For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7

Two days later on a Tuesday morning, I walked up the entrance stairs to Lakeside Church to attend a corporate woman’s Bible study known as Stepping Stones. The entire walk I recited, “I was not given a spirit of timidity but of power and love and discipline” over and over in my head and under my breath. However, I really wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs because all I felt was fear…fear had become my prison cell! Once inside I sat lonely at a table not knowing any one. I was a little town girl who had gone to church with the same 40 people who raised me in Sunday School. Now I was transitioning to a large church that housed 800-1500 at a time with 5 different services. Knowing people in this size of a church was not an easy feat. So when God sent a sweet, gentle soul in her faded blue overalls to welcome me with her carefree spirit, I felt at ease. She wrapped her arm around me and said you can join our group. She became my dearest friend, Shelly. I praise God for placing her in my life because she has helped me traverse the last 12 years of this journey. She is proof that God does have special angels for each of us that minister to our soul.

At some point after I started digesting His word again that suffocating darkness that attempted to swallow me disappeared as fast as it came. The fog dissipated and a renewing and restoring of my soul began . . . reading His word healed my soul. Over the summer I jumped into Beth Moore’s Believing God. And WOW! God had many words for me in that study. He helped me map out my journey with Him from the time I was little. He showed me the godly people He placed in my life to guide me. He showed me how I was living a cyclic life that resembled the Kings — call me Israel. Next, He proceeded to show me how my depressions were all spiritually related and how I resembled Nebuchadnezzar. I went through a time like Nebuchadnezzar where my reasoning would be taken, I’d be made to live as a wild animal, and my splendor would be gone. Only when I raised my eyes to heaven and acknowledged my God Most High would my sanity be given back, my happiness returned and I’d be restored to even greater than I was before. His ways are truly beautiful!

*Return to Faithfulness of God

#41 Words

Posted on by DSilvan

June 30, 2014

At Lakeside Church, Pastor Brad challenged us to write our story in 41 words like Apostle Paul in Galatians 2:20. I challenge you to prepare your #41words story.

Childhood believer, rebellious teen wanders. Wounded by bad choices. Pursued by darkness. Overwhelmed. Lonely. Anxious. Depressed. Suicidal. Demoralized. Awakened by humbling trials. Weeping prodigal encounters Jesus’ mercy. Rededicated. Long-suffering, Faithful God heals. Rescues. Restores. Redeems. Replenishes. Heart created for Prodigals.

Psalm 91:2
This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.

#Peacefilled #Joyful #UnconditionallyLoved #ForeverGrateful

He Never Leaves Nor Forsakes

Posted on by DSilvan

After dating for 4 years my high school sweetheart and I married at age 20, had our first daughter 6 months later and moved to L.A. away from all our family and friends. I was isolated with a newborn while my husband attended Los Angeles State University, played baseball and worked. My small town girl personality didn’t flourish in the big city environment. Seven months later I was hospitalized for 3 weeks with depression, atypical psychosis, and anxiety…basically they couldn’t explain what was happening. They were merely attempting to treat the symptoms.

My grandfather called me every night in the hospital to pray with me and for me. He sent me a small poster of “Footprints” and encouraged me that God was there, reminded me He was teaching me something and reassured me that I would be okay. At this point in time, I feared I would forget my entire family and dissolve into a state of unknowing, so I surrounded myself with their photos and tried to believe all would be okay like my grandfather said. I also experienced overwhelming feelings of needing to end it all, hearing the lie that everyone would be better off without me. At the end of the spring semester we moved back home so family could help us. The doctors placed me on a variety of medicines for 12+ months and sent me to counseling. However, nothing seemed to remove the darkness that had swallowed me.

While I was taking these heavy medications I found out I was pregnant. Life stopped. The doctors told me I had really only one option. I found myself trapped in the midst of a choice that went against God and all I ever believed. I wrestled with God and the doctor’s advice. I remember laying on the ground writhing in turmoil even the night before saying “I can’t do this.” At this place in my existence I believed doctors knew everything…I had to listen to them. Everyone around me was telling me that this was the right thing. No one was counseling me on trusting God and encouraging me to keep our baby. I hadn’t realized that the deep conflict within me, the entity I was wrestling with so strongly was the spirit within me. Therefore, the world won and my heart was left shattered. How could I ever forgive myself?

In brokenness, I ran back to church. During a service, I, the prodigal daughter, realized I had to return. I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. Tears poured down my cheeks as I cried out to my Father above. I didn’t deserve His forgiveness after what I’d done. I didn’t deserve His grace or mercy.  But inside my heart I knew He had never stopped loving me despite my failings. He was not going to leave me, nor forsake me. My fear of walking in front of the entire congregation was consumed and I desired to acknowledge publicly that Jesus was and is my only help…proclaiming Him and His goodness in front of everyone.

Although I had taken my inheritance of eternal life, spent it wildly like the prodigal son in the Bible, this time of difficulty is exactly what a hardheaded, stubborn, rebellious child needed in order to realize my way was vacant of everything I truly was designed for. Within the next few weeks the mysterious dark fog that terrorized me lifted…it left as quickly as it appeared.

I’m so grateful God included stories in the Bible of others who resemble some of the darkest parts of me.  Moses brought redemption to God’s people, led them out of captivity, mediated the Old Covenant, and wrote the Pentateuch (the first 5 books of the Bible)…even after choosing to kill the Egyptian who was beating a Hebrew brother God used him. And, David was an adulterer, a liar and a murderer, yet God called him a “man after His heart.”  In the midst of being a mighty man for God, he chose to do the unthinkable revealing yet again that he was far from being perfect. Although David sinned, he always loved God and would intentionally seek to turn back from his poor choices. I find comfort knowing that these same men struggled in their faith, yet God chose to put in ink how important their role in history is and His unending love for them.

“Thank you Jesus for paving the way with your perfect sacrifice so that I may receive forgiveness and enjoy a relationship with my Heavenly Father. Amen.”

*Return to Faithfulness of God 

 

Childhood Connections

Posted on by DSilvan

 

As a young girl growing up, my family’s conversations didn’t consist of attributing things to God, being taught how to pray to Him, seeking a relationship with Him, nor did we practice acknowledging when His provisions and protections were supplied. Because my father wasn’t a believer we didn’t go to church as a family. Mom didn’t want to go to church alone so she drove me a couple blocks to my grandparent’s church and dropped me off weekly for Sunday school. My grandparents always invited my 4 siblings and me to Christmas and Easter events. They surrounded me in God’s love and spoke to me of His ways while I gardened together with my grandpa, when I did Christmas crafts with my grandma, and while I visited and spent the night with them. I remember one specific time when I was around 5 or 6 years old lounging across the arm of their old blue tweed comfy chair with my feet dangling off the side near the grand piano. I asked them “What happens to everyone when I die? Is everyone still here? Does the world cease to exist? Where do I go?” I had a huge fear of death. Even though this was 44 years ago, I remember this moment as if it were yesterday. Unfortunately I don’t remember their answer, but I remember no longer being afraid of death and reassured all would be okay.

When I was 9 years old I began to have recurring terrifying nightmares. I would be inside my house while ghoulish amorphic beings on the outside would be taunting me, chasing me, terrorizing me, banging on my windows, racing around the house trying to break in. BUT they were NEVER successful. I struggled for years to understand what these nightmares were about and why I was tormented with them for my first 21 years of life.

In writing down God’s faithfulness, He reminded me of another fingerprint in my life. One blustery winter night all the lights had gone out in Folsom. My dad made a fire to give us light where we all could gather in the family room. During this time in my life, I still was haunted by the dark dreams and consequently the surrounding darkness terrified me. As I sat in the family room trying to push away my anxiousness, I glanced down our small hallway that was only 15 feet long. At the end there was a figure, a being that appeared like a human yet not, dressed in a flowing white robe, holding a staff in his right hand with wavy silvery white hair standing there. I couldn’t make out a face because all that was there was radiance, a brightness. Recalling this vision, my mind interprets the image of normal size because the image restrained itself in the height of our hallway, but the feeling emanating from it produced a sense of overwhelming stature, a feeling of transcendence. Peace flowed from Him and my fear dissipated. I still don’t know to this day what that vision was…did we read a scripture that week in Sunday school describing something like this so I imagined it or did God intercede during my time of fear. I don’t know, but after 40+ years it’s like yesterday. I logged it in my journalings as a time of building my faith. He stitches together so intricately the tapestry of our life to show us His activity, why we experienced the things He allowed, and what He wants to use it all for in our life and in the lives of others.

When I attended a Women’s Retreat in 2009 God allowed me to experience evilness again. At this time God revealed and gave me understanding about what happened throughout my earlier years. We traveled up to Zephyr Point Conference Center in Lake Tahoe. In the middle of the second night we were awakened by screaming. We flooded the hallways, called the nurses and began to pray around our beds. A woman had a seizure and her roommate was traumatized. All seemed normal as everyone filtered back to their rooms. Yet my stomach would not stop turning. It was like nothing I’d experienced before. I know what anxiety is. I know what panic is. I prayed for God to calm my soul…no relief. I opened the door to see what was in the hallway and the woman’s roommates were standing in the hallway terrified. I asked if I could pray with them and we did. They were calmed and left with lifted spirits. However, my stomach was not relieved.

I lay down in bed trying to find relief, but as soon as I shut my eyes those same ghoulish amorphic faces from my child hood flew forcefully at me…one right after the other. I was terrified. I was unsure of what was happening. I couldn’t shut my eyes because it wouldn’t stop. I was tossing and turning…I couldn’t sit in my room. My stomach was killing me and I was bothering my roommate. I resorted to walking the hallways when I stumbled across a pastor’s wife who prayed for me. She’d never experienced anything like what I shared. She kept thinking I was experiencing anxiety and just looked at me as if I were crazy…eventually offering to pray for peace since only God knew what was going on. After grabbing my Bible from my room I headed to the cafeteria to intentionally seek God in His word while watching the sun rise over Lake Tahoe.

I met with my small group for breakfast, the ladies I prayed around the bed with last night during the craziness. I shared the after effects I was experiencing and how I’d been awake since the ordeal. My small group leader’s jaw dropped, her eyes opened widely as she shared the nightmare she had involving me. When our other dear friend interjected, saying she had a dream that involved the two of us waging war in battle. We all were a little shaken by what we’d experienced. Suddenly we realized that we were interconnected in a way that we’d never encountered before. We spoke nothing more of it after breakfast.

That day I drove home and I couldn’t shake the intensity of what happened. When I arrived, I quickly darted to the safety of my peaceful and secure room, curling up on the bed. Weeping. Seeking understanding. Bewildered. I shared with my husband what had happened, but words didn’t seem to express nor convey the daunting terror that was left deep in my soul. I resorted to my comfort zone of researching. I bought books on spiritual warfare and began learning about this area I knew little about.

Although I couldn’t explain effectively what occurred, I knew I experienced the presence of darkness. God revealed that I had seen this from my earlier years and I came to understand that my dreams were showing me I’d been sealed with the Holy Spirit. Nothing could break into my home, yet these entities, this dark unseen world would encircle me, torment me, try to terrify me and destroy me, but I would be safe…it or they could never have me. My home, my person, my soul was secure because of my Savior. I understood more clearly than ever before what Paul spoke of in Ephesians 6:12 — 

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Spiritual Warfare came to life to me this weekend, my childhood experiences were brought into crisp focus and the journey to equip myself for battle began. Jesus already defeated our foe, therefore Satan has no power over us. However, we need to know our adversary so we are familiarized with his tactics and can counterattack when challenged. In the name of Jesus, we have the power to overcome the Prince of the air and his army each and every time. We need not fear him.

 Ephesians 1:13-14— And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,  who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

Romans 8:34-39— Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

1 Peter 5:8-9— Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith . . .

 Joel 2:28— And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.

*Return to Faithfulness of God 

Repeated Echoes

Posted on by DSilvan

For 25 years I’ve searched and questioned my purpose here on earth.  Yes, I’m the wife to Bill for the past 28 years (32 if you count the 4 years we dated…high school sweet hearts.)  I embrace and love this role with all of my being and I can’t imagine my life without him.  Absolutely, I’m a mother of 4 amazing children who are young adults now…I’ve survived so far, hallelujah!  I’m grateful for the privilege to be a part of each of their lives and experience the abundant joy and fun they provide.  Amazingly, I’m a grandma, commonly referred to as GiGi.  Oh what a world of blessings this has been and continues to be…I can do cool things with them and send them back to their parents for discipline!  I’m also a decorator (which I love when there’s money); a chef (when inspired); a baker (which my kids & friends encourage me to open a Bakery and where my waistline suffers from my love of sweets, too); a painter/drawer of many of our wall hangings; and an avid student of the Bible along with other Christian writers.  My creativity and love for learning feeds my spirit.  BUT…something has always felt absent.  After all these great things in my life, I was left with an unanswered and lingering feeling of “wanting.”

This past year I began praying about my purpose again.  What was I designed to do?  Why after being so abundantly blessed did I feel a lacking.  I asked God to reveal what He created me for.  I asked Him to show me clearly so I wouldn’t be confused.  I didn’t want to fit in any other box than what He fashioned specifically for me.  I went to a S.H.A.P.E. workshop in February 2015 and began to understand how I was wired.  Secretly I flippantly tossed the idea around that maybe I was supposed to combine my love for creating, with my love for God’s word, along with the teachings I receive through life’s meanderings.  Obviously, to me, not up in front of a large crowd, but in a nonthreatening, behind the computer screen type of format.

In all my insecurity, I still wasn’t sure.  Then 2 months later, out of the blue without revealing to anyone my inward thoughts or having current conversations prompting anyone, strange happenings occurred.  People began to come up to me and say “Denise have you ever thought of writing books?”  “Denise have you ever thought of writing inspirational snapshots for a devotional book?”  “Denise with your gifts and talents I think you should try writing because when you write your emails they are inspiring, thought provoking and well put together.”  One night in reflecting after hearing all these repeated echoes, I looked towards the sky and said “God do you really want me to write?”  Peacefully, He laid down the 2×4 and I imagine there was a gentle giggle…”She heard Me.”

Three months later here I am beginning this journey.  Unsure of what to do because…yes, I’ve never done anything like this before.  However, I’m going to stick the tip of my quivering toe in before figuring it all out and give it a try.  Face my fears of being critiqued while I lay my soul, thoughts and wanderings bare to all.  That doesn’t sound intimidating at all, right?  It’s at this moment I wished I was wrapped in duck feathers so harsh words would roll right off my back like water.  Is it possible for me to slip inside a tortoise shell so any hurtful critiques will bounce right off.  So…I will begin to live out what we preach to our children “It doesn’t matter where you start, it matters where you finish!”  I might start off tattered, rugged, unpolished and inexperienced, but I hope somewhere around the middle and definitely by the end that at least one person will find and meet God in the midst of my words. I hope that they will encounter His gentle teachings and unconditional love for us that is everlasting!